What if we just grossed everybody out?

You know, it's funny. I went to YouTube to find a new Arby's Roastburger commercial that I thought used some particularly clumsy sex appeal. Instead, I found an Arby's Roastburger commercial that uses some particularly repulsive food appeal. Observe:



The commercial starts off strong -- it's a simple, to-the-point explanation of the new (liberally-named) Arby's "burger" versus the competition's fried burger. That's called "product differentiation," and it's a good way to use your marketing dollars, especially in a competition-clustered industry like QSR. But then at the 15 second mark, Arby's goes awry -- by showing this:


I don't care how good that Roastburger looks in the last couple seconds of the ad, all anybody is going to remember from this commercial is the weird teen noisily slathering the grease from a piece of food into his hair. It's like somebody at Arby's just doesn't understand that showing disgusting shit in your commercial isn't a great way to sell food.

Also, who thinks that Roastburger is really grease-free? Arby's is just a giant grease trap, really -- just walk into one sometime, your clothes won't smell the same the rest of the day. Their potato cakes? Curly fries? Mozzarella sticks? You know, if Arby's employees need to grease themselves up, they don't have to wait until their manager brings in a burger from McDonald's -- they've got plenty of oily crap sitting around.

So, roast beef, bacon, melted cheese, Arby's service staff with a hamburger freshly-rubbed into their coifs... I'm thinking maybe I'm not so hungry after all!

Arby's: I'm thinking boner

As we've elucidated on this blog previously, Arby's seems to have a problem connecting their food with anything that's appetizing. Their latest effort has gone down the unfortunate path of food sexualization, which we have covered ad nauseum here at Ad Wizards. So, prepare yourself for ickiness:



Man (on bed, candles lit): Honey, almost ready?

Woman: You know I'm only doing this for your birthday.

Man: I know, and I appreciate it.

In case you paused the video at the 10 second mark, let me just remind you that, yes, this is a fast food commercial. Not, like, lingerie, or anything that's supposed to be sexy.

Woman: (walks into bedroom dressed as an Arby's crew member, holding a tray with a meal)

Man (showing pronounced double chin): Wow.

Sex appeal --the advertising weapon of last resort. Only when you truly have nothing to say about your product do you go for all-out innuendo. What is sexy about a chicken sandwich, fries and a drink? It's food. It should be treated as food, and reacted to as food. It is not sexually exciting. Hunger and sexual desire are just two separate human appetites.

And yes, I get that this is comedically overblown. But It doesn't change the fact that they're linking Arby's sandwiches with sexual attraction. That's not funny, it's just creepy.

Woman: Ta da!

Man: (Arby's sign pops up with cheesy "boing!" noise) Meeeeee likey!

Really? "Me likey?" That is wildly out of date and unoriginal. Why not just have him say "Tubular!"

Also, Arby's gets the award for Least Subtle Boner Reference in a Commercial. Congratulations, Arby's, you had some stiff competition (pun intended.)

Voiceover: It really is a special occasion with Arby's Chicken Cordon Bleu.

I guess if you have some kind of Arby's uniform fetish, then, sure. Otherwise, I think when 99% of people get the Arby's Chicken Cordon Bleu, the occasion is "Tuesday's lunch" or maybe "late night food run with roommate."

Voiceover: They'll have you saying, "I'm thinking Arby's."

Actually, I'm thinking, "hire a new ad agency."

I'm thinking vomitorium

The question you have to ask yourself whenever you see an ad for a food product is, "Did that ad really make me want to eat that product?" The answer, for me, is surprisingly often "No freaking way." Right now, for instance, you have hairy half-apes selling beef jerky, a creepy dude in a plastic mask selling flame-broiled burgers, and my personal favorite, huge ugly animals advocating the slaughter of other ugly animals. In keeping with the trend of using unappetizing images to advertise food, Arby's gives us this offering:



Pop quiz. Which of the following images most makes you want to eat Arby's sandwiches:

A. Ostrich and pigeons eating off the street.
B. Car nearly colliding with herd of zebra.
C. Elephant preparing to impale young girl in bathing suit on tusks.
D. Two pasty zookeepers double-fisting meaty sandwiches.

The correct answer is: This commercial sucks.
Imagine eating TWO Arby's "BBQ Bacon & Jack Melts." And then imagine being such a complete hog that you have to unwrap both sandwiches, pick up one with each hand, and eat them simultaneously. I mean, this sandwich has "classic roast beef," "chopped pepper bacon," some kind of liquefied "Monterey jack cheese" or primer paint (I can't tell), and barbeque sauce. Do you really need two?

Getting back to the concept of the commercial, is there any way this sandwich is good enough to distract zookeepers from locking up animal cages? Why does this zoo apparently only have two zookeepers? Who is amused by the halo-like Arby's hat logos floating atop their heads (again, kind of disturbing and unappetizing)?

Furthermore, are we supposed to believe this dialogue:

Zookeeper 1: Mmm.
Zookeeper 2: Mmm.
Zookeeper 1: Mmm.

Slow down there, I can't keep up with such an informative interchange!

Zookeeper 1: Two BBQ Bacon & Jack Melts.
Zookeeper 2: For three dollars?
Zookeeper 1: Incredible!

Don't editorialize your own shitty commercial, Arby's. Won't the shot of the Elmer's glue globbing onto the sandwich convince the viewer of your deliciousness? Also, wouldn't these guys have had the conversation about what a good deal this is while they were paying, or shortly thereafter?

The lesson is: cheap food isn't always something to celebrate. These zookeepers have more to worry about than their impending pink slips -- their impending coronaries.