Gray's anathema

Move over, SalesGenie "Puppies" ad. I think we may have a new winner for "Most Revoltingly Manipulative Ad Involving Children."



It's a slight departure from Just for Men's usual pitch, which tends to be much more blatantly "Get rid of that gray hair if you want to get laid, Grandpa." But I'm not sure it's a good departure.

Older Daughter [shoving the younger daughter forward]: "Let's go."

Man, take some responsibility. You know she's pushing the younger kid forward just in case Dad hates what they're about to say. "Dad, you need to dye your hair." "WHAT???" "It was Kaitlyn's idea! And she says you should punish her by giving me her allowance!"

Older Daughter: "Dad?"
Dad: "Hm?"
Older Daughter: "It's time."

So far this could be about anything. Old Yeller needs to be put down?

Younger Daughter [with the most nauseatingly cute line reading in history]: "You'd be a really nice catch for somebody!"

"Anybody. Seriously. We don't care who, as long as they can cook. I've eaten Hot Pockets every night for the last two years and it's gotta stop."

I love the shocked/horrified look the dad gives as he lowers the paper. It's like he thinks they're here to drag him off to Carousel or something. Which, in a way, they sort of are.

Daughters [producing a package of Just for Men]: "Pleeeeease?"

God, the music in this ad. Is this a Just for Men commercial or an episode of The Waltons?

Announcer: "Just for Men takes five easy minutes, targets only the gray hair, and can start... something great."

Just for the record, I don't think I believe that it "targets only the gray hair." How the hell would it know? Just for Men doesn't contain tiny gnomes with paint brushes... or does it? (No.)

Dad [taking picture of himself with woman]: "For my girls."

"Hey, uh, no pressure, lady, but they're expecting a new mommy. Be prepared for a full and intense scrutiny of your looks, demeanor, and overall parenting skills until they leave for college."

Daughters [upon seeing photo]: "Yes!!" [high five]

Um, did he leave those kids home alone? The older one can't be older than, what, 10 or 11? Was she really left in charge? No wonder this guy needs a woman so badly; he clearly has the worst parental decision-making skills in history. "Okay, girls, while I'm off on my date you be good. Lindsey, there's some chicken in the fridge; I wrote down how to operate the fryer. Remember, if a grease fire starts, you can't pour water on it, okay? Love you!"

Older Daughter: "I'm glad we did it!"

The "Yes!" and high-five weren't enough of a tip-off, apparently. Is this commercial even aimed at men, or is it aimed at nosy little girls looking for hair dye products for Dad? "I'm glad we did it - and you could be glad too, other nine-year-olds! If your dad's getting laid, he'll probably buy you more toys! I mean, I'm a little girl and apparently I have a cell phone!"

Announcer: "Just for Men." [tagline: "Stay in the game."]

For the record, the guy they used in this ad didn't exactly seem to have the grayest hair in the world. But either way, I've always hated the way the Just for Men ads imply that gray hair is somehow appalling and repulsive. There's another one of these ads out now where a guy is forced to dye his hair to get a better job so he can spend more time with his kid - also incredibly manipulative - and most of them focus on how women are going to reject any guy with gray hair. Which is why it kills me that they're now advertising "Just for Men Touch of Gray," the ad for which shows guys with gray hair doing all the things that every other Just for Men ad would tell you can't be done by guys with gray hair. Make up your fucking mind, Just for Men. Is gray hair so pathetic and embarrassing that your daughters have to shame you into getting rid of it so you can get a date, or is it cool and hip and watch me on this surfboard? Say... you wouldn't be crassly pandering to both sides of the issue, would you?

I do have one good thing to say about these new Just for Men ads, though: at least Keith Hernandez and Walt "Clyde" Frazier are nowhere near them.

Pierce uses everybody.

This is so blatantly manipulative that I'm surprised that it isn't an SNL parody commercial.



If the kid is savvy enough to know that she should whisper the line "He's making a lot more money," I don't for a second believe that she's simperingly naïve enough to refer to the website as "this thing called SalesGenie.com" (which her mommy "gave" to her father) rather than saying "my mommy told my daddy about a website called SalesGenie.com." She's gonna be a sleazy snake oil peddler when she grows up, just like dad!

Does the salesman look familiar to you? Remember this?



Say, little lady, does your mommy know that your daddy is running around on her? Did she see the generic blonde getting out of your daddy's sports car in the last three seconds of the commercial? And to add insult to injury, does your mommy know that your daddy is passing off SalesGenie as his own "work smarter" idea, instead of telling his young protegé that his wife bailed his ass out of the ignominious hell of low-tier salesmanship?

Also, he's just rolled up in a burgundy SUV. Did he sell the sports car to cover his ass? Wait a minute, that white gabled house isn't even the same McMansion we saw in the last commercial! He's got a whole other secret life.

Sorry, I got distracted by the details. Psst, kid, the audience might not have heard how excited you are about the puppies, and that's the money shot. Say it again! "Puppy! Puppy!" Then again, there *are* two of them. Maybe I'm being too cynical and she's just showing off her puppy counting abilities.

My God... it's full of mirrors

I kind of get the feeling that DLP is talking down to me.



Girl: [gasps] "How is it possible?"

You mean the beam of light shooting into the air that has nothing to do with television? Or the appearance of the elephant behind you that also has nothing to do with television?

Girl: "Millions of tiny mirrors on something so small?"

Perhaps you'll tell me. What's that? You're going to do the opposite of telling me?

Girl: "I've never seen anything so colorful... so clear... so real."

"But you don't have to take my word for it! Actually, you do have to take my word for it, because I'll be damned if this commercial is going to show you something besides a kid in a field with an elephant."

Girl: [turning to elephant] "Have you?"

The elephant is not going to answer your question, sweetheart.

Girl: "It's amazing! It's the mirrors. We have to show everyone!"

Perhaps you should, since up to now all we've seen is a girl looking into a box. And as impressive as "millions of tiny mirrors" sounds, it's not like it means anything to the casual viewer. Frankly, it just sounds like I'm going to look at my new TV and see a big picture of myself.

Announcer: "HDTV powered by DLP. See how millions of tiny mirrors make the picture amazing."

For those of you scoring at home, that's two "amazing"s (excellent adjective variation) and three "mirrors." It's also zero explanations of how these mirrors might work at making the picture so good, in favor of one long patronizing "awestruck eight-year-old" speech. Call me crazy, but I'm not really impressed by a $5,000 TV whose main selling point is that it can distract a third-grader. Sure, the DLP's colors are great now, but in eight hours when she's wrapping Ken dolls in aluminum foil to play "Barbie in Space," I think Dad's going to wish he hadn't pulled out the credit card at Circuit City just because Mackenzie and her elephant had never seen anything so real before.