Many, many years ago, back in the deep time of this blog, my old compatriot Quivering P. Landmass wrote a post about a dumbass Beck's commercial where they talk about how their beer doesn't have helium. Quivering referenced an old saying from David Ogilvy about avoiding the use of negatives in ads. Slim Jim apparently hasn't heard this saying.
(That's two 15-second ads, of which we're only dealing with the first, though the second is, I assure you, nearly as idiotic.)
Think about this commercial for a second. I'm not going to go through it with a stopwatch, but given that it's only fifteen seconds long I'd say it spends CLOSE TO as much time on the horrifying male guts as it does on the attractive female midriffs. And that is an ENORMOUS problem. In another post from way back when, we discussed the most nauseating ads we've ever seen on TV. The embedded Starburst ad has gone missing, but don't worry: it's right here. (Note: do not watch that.) I really can't think of a worse thing to include in your ad than something intended to gross out the audience. Are you hoping I change the channel before I have a chance to get your product name drilled into my head?
The issue with the Slim Jim ad in particular is this: aside from the packaging, Slim Jims look EXACTLY THE SAME as whatever other meat stick serves as their competition. And since they don't name that competition in the ad, the only name you're getting from the ad - the ad in which meat sticks are seen being directly correlated with images we are INTENDED to find disgusting - is Slim Jim. Good work, fellas! You've successfully ensured that whenever I see Slim Jims, I will think of this ad, which uses half its allotted time showing me images of bloated male torsos that I am SUPPOSED to be grossed out by. And I definitely will not think of a "tummy party" with two attractive women, because no one in their right mind could possibly believe that Slim Jim will do anything to get them laid.
Honestly. I never liked the "Eat me" Slim Jim ads either - the one at that link, which suggests that eating a Slim Jim will cause you to drown, is particularly moronic - but they're masterpieces of the craft next to this pile of shit.
Showing posts with label totally gross. Show all posts
Showing posts with label totally gross. Show all posts
Thursday, February 26, 2015
Monday, January 31, 2011
Spanish ply
I ordinarily hate posting clips that have text on them promoting someone else's website. You can understand why - it might look like I'm endorsing that site when in fact I've never gone to it and have no intention of vouching for its quality. So with the understanding that this is not an endorsement of the site itself, which I've never visited, I do want to thank whoever is behind "Gallery of the Absurd" for posting this on YouTube, because this Cottonelle ad just cries out for comment.
Gahhhhhh.
Wife: "When you've been together as long as we have-"
Husband [off-screen]: "Honey, where's the-"
Wife: "Top shelf! Life can get a bit... routine. That's why I decided to switch things up..."
The gag, of course, is that you're supposed to think that this is an ad for Viagra, or Cialis, or KY Yours and Mine or something. Something involving sex. Of course, this is actually an ad for toilet paper. And here's where it gets really gross.
Wife: "...with Cottonelle Ultra toilet paper!"
Husband [o.s.]: "Oh, yeah."
Wife: "You see? It's 35% thicker than the Northern brand."
Originally here I wrote a parody of the Beatles' "Only a Northern Song" with the lyrics "It's only the Northern brand," before reminding myself that it's one of their deepest cuts and no one would find it funny. (I had to tell you that just so I could avoid second-guessing not posting it.) Anyway, around the laughable attempt to skirt the mention of their nearest competitor, we can see the commercial going to hell - well, going further into hell - as the husband is enjoying himself way, way too much off-screen.
Husband [o.s.]: "Love it!"
Egad. Really, Cottonelle? Really? Has this guy reached so far up there that he's massaging his own prostate?
Wife: "You might say this one little switch has made all the difference!"
[Husband emerges in some sort of 70s dance outfit.]
Husband: "Veena, get dressed, we're goin' dancing."
Horrifying. Also, is her name really "Veena?" I can't hear it as anything else, but who is named that, other than no one? By the way, this guy apparently successfully finished wiping his ass in under twenty seconds. Is he the Flash? Does he just shit pure water? And speaking of water, I didn't hear a sink. Get the fuck back in there and wash your hands, jackass.
Announcer: "Little switches can make all the difference!"
All what difference? I'm sorry, Cottonelle, but you're not selling me on the idea that using different toilet paper is going to change my life. Much less my sex life.
Knitwear and I were actually talking about this - toilet paper is a hard product to sell. 99% of products you can show people using, but toilet paper is not one of them. So instead we get this endless dance. You can be like Charmin and use cartoon bears so that you can get right up to the line of what's okay - showing pieces of toilet paper stuck to a cartoon bear's ass, something you obviously couldn't show on a human. Or you can be like Cottonelle and, in this ad, not show someone using your product but instead play the sound of someone using your product. The only problem with that is that I don't want to hear someone using your product either, especially not when they're making sounds that make it entirely unclear what is happening in there. And I also don't want to hear that while the guy's dumpy wife is standing outside using language that implies their sex life has improved thanks to cleaner asses. But hey, thanks for that mental image, Cottonelle! Maybe in the sequel the guy could come out in bondage gear. "Veena, put on your mask, grab the whip, and don't forget the safe word is rhubarb!"
Gahhhhhh.
Wife: "When you've been together as long as we have-"
Husband [off-screen]: "Honey, where's the-"
Wife: "Top shelf! Life can get a bit... routine. That's why I decided to switch things up..."
The gag, of course, is that you're supposed to think that this is an ad for Viagra, or Cialis, or KY Yours and Mine or something. Something involving sex. Of course, this is actually an ad for toilet paper. And here's where it gets really gross.
Wife: "...with Cottonelle Ultra toilet paper!"
Husband [o.s.]: "Oh, yeah."
Wife: "You see? It's 35% thicker than the Northern brand."
Originally here I wrote a parody of the Beatles' "Only a Northern Song" with the lyrics "It's only the Northern brand," before reminding myself that it's one of their deepest cuts and no one would find it funny. (I had to tell you that just so I could avoid second-guessing not posting it.) Anyway, around the laughable attempt to skirt the mention of their nearest competitor, we can see the commercial going to hell - well, going further into hell - as the husband is enjoying himself way, way too much off-screen.
Husband [o.s.]: "Love it!"
Egad. Really, Cottonelle? Really? Has this guy reached so far up there that he's massaging his own prostate?
Wife: "You might say this one little switch has made all the difference!"
[Husband emerges in some sort of 70s dance outfit.]
Husband: "Veena, get dressed, we're goin' dancing."
Horrifying. Also, is her name really "Veena?" I can't hear it as anything else, but who is named that, other than no one? By the way, this guy apparently successfully finished wiping his ass in under twenty seconds. Is he the Flash? Does he just shit pure water? And speaking of water, I didn't hear a sink. Get the fuck back in there and wash your hands, jackass.
Announcer: "Little switches can make all the difference!"
All what difference? I'm sorry, Cottonelle, but you're not selling me on the idea that using different toilet paper is going to change my life. Much less my sex life.
Knitwear and I were actually talking about this - toilet paper is a hard product to sell. 99% of products you can show people using, but toilet paper is not one of them. So instead we get this endless dance. You can be like Charmin and use cartoon bears so that you can get right up to the line of what's okay - showing pieces of toilet paper stuck to a cartoon bear's ass, something you obviously couldn't show on a human. Or you can be like Cottonelle and, in this ad, not show someone using your product but instead play the sound of someone using your product. The only problem with that is that I don't want to hear someone using your product either, especially not when they're making sounds that make it entirely unclear what is happening in there. And I also don't want to hear that while the guy's dumpy wife is standing outside using language that implies their sex life has improved thanks to cleaner asses. But hey, thanks for that mental image, Cottonelle! Maybe in the sequel the guy could come out in bondage gear. "Veena, put on your mask, grab the whip, and don't forget the safe word is rhubarb!"
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Shitius Altius Fortius
I'm not even sure what to say.
An anonymous commenter a few posts ago was the first to bring this to my attention, although frankly I would have been just as happy to go the rest of my life without knowing this commercial existed.
We've talked in the past about how commercials dealing with "gross" subjects tend to be somewhat circumspect, with my go-to example being the Metamucil "Beautify your inside" campaign from 2007. This commercial... is the opposite of that.
We open on some sort of shitting contest. I mean, that's actually what is happening here. Three babies are involved in a contest to see who can fill their diaper with the most shit. For real. That is the ad. So the first one goes, and gets scores of 6, 5 and 3. Whoa! Not nearly enough shit in that diaper, Baby #1! You knew this was the World Shitting Championships, right? Step your game up.
Baby #2 steps up and drops a much larger shit - while being recorded on cell phone cameras in the front row - and gets scores of 8, 7 and 8. But Baby #3... he came prepared. His diaper expands with shit until it is nearly as big as he is! Yeahhhhh! All 10s! He is the Nadia Comaneci of shitting!
Voice-over: "What happens in diapers should stay in diapers."
This now presents us with the alternate mental image of some non-Luvs-clad baby taking a monster dump the size of his own body and having excrement fly everywhere. Thanks, Luvs.
Voice-over: "New Luvs Ultra Leakguards with Heavy 'Dooty' Blowout Protection. Outstanding protection for your little 'heavy dooty' champs."
Have you ever seen "dooty" spelled that way before? I have not. Meanwhile, the second and third-place babies are for some reason putting their hands on the winner's still-full diaper, like they're in awe of his shitting prowess and want a little reflected glory. This is really exceedingly vile.
I know this ad is directed at parents. And I know that for the majority of parents, your kid taking a crap and you having to clean it up becomes so commonplace that it ceases to be disgusting; it's just a thing that happens that has to be dealt with, one of the things you sign up for when you decide to have children. (And if you glance over the YouTube comments, it's pretty clear there's an opinion divide between parents and the childless over the merits of the spot.) But even with that in mind, did this commercial really need to be this graphic? These are cartoon babies, after all - you're not actually proving the durability of the diapers by showing the massive shit expansion, so why show it at all? And did you really have to play "Whoomp! There it is!" in the background?
This is the place where I'd normally do some joke about what it would be like if other companies advertised this way. But how can I? There really is no analogous situation to watching a baby (even an animated one) fill its diaper onscreen - only a handful of other products even deal in an area this nasty, and none of them would ever advertise so directly. The only commercial I can think of that's even vaguely similar is the one for Oops, I Crapped My Pants, and that's a joke ad for a product that doesn't exist. So congratulations, Luvs, for being only slightly less gross than a fake ad that's intentionally over the top about its pitch.
You know, as long as we're talking about diapers, I just realized I never dealt with this one:
Eurotrash Voiceover: "My diaper is full! Full of chic!"
Ha ha! It's funny, because "chic" sounds kind of like "shit," which of course is what the diaper is actually full of.
Eurotrash Voiceover: "When it's a #2... I look like #1."
Diaper companies really just don't care, do they? Metamucil talks about primping your colon, but Huggies is just like, "Yeah, whatever! Babies shit all the time, and we all know it. We're not dancing around anything."
Eurotrash Voiceover: "I poo... in blue!"
Good God. Couldn't you try to be even a little cute about what diapers are for? I mean, we all know anyway. It really has to be shoved in our face like this? For good measure, the tagline is "The coolest you'll look pooping your pants." I love the use of the second person as though anyone truly capable of watching and understand this commercial is going to be the one using the product, as opposed to buying it for their child. (By the way: jean diapers? Seriously? This was something that needed to exist? Were there really people complaining that boring ol' white diapers were making their baby look dangerously uncool?)
I know this whole thing is kind of tongue-in-cheek, but I mean, no, it really isn't. You make that product and sell it, you can't really claim ironic license. This is something you want to sell. And again, okay, the people you're trying to sell to probably won't be fazed by all the talk about babies taking craps. But couldn't you think for a second about the non-parents out there, the people who were just hoping to watch television without being confronted with the image of someone taking a dump? We're people too, dammit.
Attention parents: babies are cute. (Most babies.) But they are not as cute to the rest of us as you think they are. And not everything they do is cute just because they're babies. Taking their first steps? Cute. Babbling happily? Cute. Filling a diaper with shit? NOT CUTE. There's a reason why bathroom stalls have doors on them - no one wants to see someone else taking a shit. I don't care how tiny and precious you are, I'm not interested in being informed about what just came out of your ass or where it's now residing. So maybe we could sell diapers without having to talk about how constantly full of shit they are? Is that possible?
An anonymous commenter a few posts ago was the first to bring this to my attention, although frankly I would have been just as happy to go the rest of my life without knowing this commercial existed.
We've talked in the past about how commercials dealing with "gross" subjects tend to be somewhat circumspect, with my go-to example being the Metamucil "Beautify your inside" campaign from 2007. This commercial... is the opposite of that.
We open on some sort of shitting contest. I mean, that's actually what is happening here. Three babies are involved in a contest to see who can fill their diaper with the most shit. For real. That is the ad. So the first one goes, and gets scores of 6, 5 and 3. Whoa! Not nearly enough shit in that diaper, Baby #1! You knew this was the World Shitting Championships, right? Step your game up.
Baby #2 steps up and drops a much larger shit - while being recorded on cell phone cameras in the front row - and gets scores of 8, 7 and 8. But Baby #3... he came prepared. His diaper expands with shit until it is nearly as big as he is! Yeahhhhh! All 10s! He is the Nadia Comaneci of shitting!
Voice-over: "What happens in diapers should stay in diapers."
This now presents us with the alternate mental image of some non-Luvs-clad baby taking a monster dump the size of his own body and having excrement fly everywhere. Thanks, Luvs.
Voice-over: "New Luvs Ultra Leakguards with Heavy 'Dooty' Blowout Protection. Outstanding protection for your little 'heavy dooty' champs."
Have you ever seen "dooty" spelled that way before? I have not. Meanwhile, the second and third-place babies are for some reason putting their hands on the winner's still-full diaper, like they're in awe of his shitting prowess and want a little reflected glory. This is really exceedingly vile.
I know this ad is directed at parents. And I know that for the majority of parents, your kid taking a crap and you having to clean it up becomes so commonplace that it ceases to be disgusting; it's just a thing that happens that has to be dealt with, one of the things you sign up for when you decide to have children. (And if you glance over the YouTube comments, it's pretty clear there's an opinion divide between parents and the childless over the merits of the spot.) But even with that in mind, did this commercial really need to be this graphic? These are cartoon babies, after all - you're not actually proving the durability of the diapers by showing the massive shit expansion, so why show it at all? And did you really have to play "Whoomp! There it is!" in the background?
This is the place where I'd normally do some joke about what it would be like if other companies advertised this way. But how can I? There really is no analogous situation to watching a baby (even an animated one) fill its diaper onscreen - only a handful of other products even deal in an area this nasty, and none of them would ever advertise so directly. The only commercial I can think of that's even vaguely similar is the one for Oops, I Crapped My Pants, and that's a joke ad for a product that doesn't exist. So congratulations, Luvs, for being only slightly less gross than a fake ad that's intentionally over the top about its pitch.
You know, as long as we're talking about diapers, I just realized I never dealt with this one:
Eurotrash Voiceover: "My diaper is full! Full of chic!"
Ha ha! It's funny, because "chic" sounds kind of like "shit," which of course is what the diaper is actually full of.
Eurotrash Voiceover: "When it's a #2... I look like #1."
Diaper companies really just don't care, do they? Metamucil talks about primping your colon, but Huggies is just like, "Yeah, whatever! Babies shit all the time, and we all know it. We're not dancing around anything."
Eurotrash Voiceover: "I poo... in blue!"
Good God. Couldn't you try to be even a little cute about what diapers are for? I mean, we all know anyway. It really has to be shoved in our face like this? For good measure, the tagline is "The coolest you'll look pooping your pants." I love the use of the second person as though anyone truly capable of watching and understand this commercial is going to be the one using the product, as opposed to buying it for their child. (By the way: jean diapers? Seriously? This was something that needed to exist? Were there really people complaining that boring ol' white diapers were making their baby look dangerously uncool?)
I know this whole thing is kind of tongue-in-cheek, but I mean, no, it really isn't. You make that product and sell it, you can't really claim ironic license. This is something you want to sell. And again, okay, the people you're trying to sell to probably won't be fazed by all the talk about babies taking craps. But couldn't you think for a second about the non-parents out there, the people who were just hoping to watch television without being confronted with the image of someone taking a dump? We're people too, dammit.
Attention parents: babies are cute. (Most babies.) But they are not as cute to the rest of us as you think they are. And not everything they do is cute just because they're babies. Taking their first steps? Cute. Babbling happily? Cute. Filling a diaper with shit? NOT CUTE. There's a reason why bathroom stalls have doors on them - no one wants to see someone else taking a shit. I don't care how tiny and precious you are, I'm not interested in being informed about what just came out of your ass or where it's now residing. So maybe we could sell diapers without having to talk about how constantly full of shit they are? Is that possible?
Saturday, January 22, 2011
"Steamer" is right
Quick! Can you identify the product or service that Stanley Steemer provides?
It's kind of a trick question. According to their website, they actually provide a variety of home cleaning and repair services. They'll clean your carpet, your tile, your furniture, your air ducts... they do water damage restoration, sell flooring, clean the interior of your car, boat or RV... there are really quite a lot of services that Stanley Steemer provides.
Unless you learned about Stanley Steemer only from watching this ad:
In which case, Stanley Steemer is a company that cleans up animal shit.
It's kind of a trick question. According to their website, they actually provide a variety of home cleaning and repair services. They'll clean your carpet, your tile, your furniture, your air ducts... they do water damage restoration, sell flooring, clean the interior of your car, boat or RV... there are really quite a lot of services that Stanley Steemer provides.
Unless you learned about Stanley Steemer only from watching this ad:
In which case, Stanley Steemer is a company that cleans up animal shit.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Prince Charmin
There are various reasons why there hasn't been a post here for a while, and I won't bore you with explanations or excuses. But suffice it to say there haven't been a lot of really noteworthy ads to skewer lately, or at least not much to say about the really hateable ones. (We can't stand those Hyundai ads with the insufferable indie band, but how much can you say about that? They're just impossible to sit through.)
Well, leave it to the Charmin bears to bring us out of hibernation.
This commercial opens by implying that the Charmin bears are about to have sex. Sadly, that's the least distasteful thing about it.
[Charmin bear reaches for a square of toilet paper]
Announcer: "When you have a softer bath tissue, you can enjoy going more!"
I assume she means you can enjoy (going) more, but it's funnier to think that she means you can enjoy (going more). "Oh, this bath tissue is so soft, I just can't wait to get back in the bathroom for my next dump! Bring me all the baked beans in the land!"
Announcer: "While still using less."
Then apparently you can snuggle up against the leftover paper because it's just that goddamn soft. Come on, Charmin. It's still paper - I'm not wiping my ass with a silk handkerchief here.
Next it's the typical demonstration of how absorbent the paper is, which is always secretly the most disgusting part of any toilet paper commercial when you think about what it's going to be "absorbing." These commercials probably pass the old Metamucil commercial for "most ridiculous dancing around a subject that no one wants to hear about in a TV commercial, even if it is something everyone does."
Announcer: "Using less never felt so good!"
On the inside of your ass!
Announcer: "New Charmin Ultra Soft: Enjoy the Go."
"Enjoy the Go????" That is so unbelievably gross. Look, Charmin. It's nice that you want to make ass-wiping a more pleasant experience. But enjoy the go? Enjoy it? What the fuck is your problem? Bowel movements are a fact of life, not something that can be turned into an entertaining experience by the addition of a softer toilet paper. If you could make some deal where solid waste would just vanish from your body so you'd never have to take a shit again, wouldn't you do it? Wouldn't most people? Meanwhile, here are the Charmin bears, treating softer toilet paper like it's a fucking free weekend at Disney World. Of course, I suppose it's not as ridiculous as some of the slogans they rejected:
Charmin Ultra Soft: How Sweet It Is
Charmin Ultra Soft: Oh Thank Heaven
Charmin Ultra Soft: Let's Get It On (Your Butt)
Charmin Ultra Soft: And Flights of Angels Sing Thee to Thy Flush
Well, leave it to the Charmin bears to bring us out of hibernation.
This commercial opens by implying that the Charmin bears are about to have sex. Sadly, that's the least distasteful thing about it.
[Charmin bear reaches for a square of toilet paper]
Announcer: "When you have a softer bath tissue, you can enjoy going more!"
I assume she means you can enjoy (going) more, but it's funnier to think that she means you can enjoy (going more). "Oh, this bath tissue is so soft, I just can't wait to get back in the bathroom for my next dump! Bring me all the baked beans in the land!"
Announcer: "While still using less."
Then apparently you can snuggle up against the leftover paper because it's just that goddamn soft. Come on, Charmin. It's still paper - I'm not wiping my ass with a silk handkerchief here.
Next it's the typical demonstration of how absorbent the paper is, which is always secretly the most disgusting part of any toilet paper commercial when you think about what it's going to be "absorbing." These commercials probably pass the old Metamucil commercial for "most ridiculous dancing around a subject that no one wants to hear about in a TV commercial, even if it is something everyone does."
Announcer: "Using less never felt so good!"
On the inside of your ass!
Announcer: "New Charmin Ultra Soft: Enjoy the Go."
"Enjoy the Go????" That is so unbelievably gross. Look, Charmin. It's nice that you want to make ass-wiping a more pleasant experience. But enjoy the go? Enjoy it? What the fuck is your problem? Bowel movements are a fact of life, not something that can be turned into an entertaining experience by the addition of a softer toilet paper. If you could make some deal where solid waste would just vanish from your body so you'd never have to take a shit again, wouldn't you do it? Wouldn't most people? Meanwhile, here are the Charmin bears, treating softer toilet paper like it's a fucking free weekend at Disney World. Of course, I suppose it's not as ridiculous as some of the slogans they rejected:
Charmin Ultra Soft: How Sweet It Is
Charmin Ultra Soft: Oh Thank Heaven
Charmin Ultra Soft: Let's Get It On (Your Butt)
Charmin Ultra Soft: And Flights of Angels Sing Thee to Thy Flush
Monday, September 27, 2010
I'll just stand, thanks
The three and a half years of this blog have seen more than a couple entrants into the field of "most disgusting fast food sandwich," from the BK Stacker to the Baconator to the Bacon Double Homestyle Melt. This one, though, has been notorious ever since it was first announced. KFC, to their credit (maybe?), seems to have embraced the notoriety. But that doesn't really improve things.
Construction Worker: "Today is the day."
Skateboarder: "The day I ignore the voice of reason."
Seriously, that's the pitch? "You know that little voice in the back of your mind telling you that this food item is disgusting and awful? Just block that shit out." I could use the same logic to justify eating a package of Mallomars and washing it down with turkey gravy. You know, in theory.
Office Type: "The day I talk to the girl from accounting."
Not much of a comparable. Unless - is she riddled with STDs? Okay, you win, KFC. This is exactly like working up the nerve to eat your horrible sandwich.
Dude with classic car, for some reason: "The day I ditch the bun."
Okay, not bad - the Atkins diet isn't for everyone, but leaving off a fast food bun, which is a lot of refined white flour, will save you a fair number of calories...
Douchebag on couch: "And demand two meaty fillets!"
Uh oh.
Random guy on street: "Two slices of cheese!"
Guy walking indoors: "And two pieces of bacon."
"And two more notches on your belt." I love how they act like there was actually "demand" for this, like they didn't want to make the Double Down but Joe Back-Fat forced their hand. Does anyone really believe there was some focus group where KFC was testing out a new sandwich, and they kept getting the response "Would be better with entire second chicken fillet and without bun?"
Office Type: "Yeah. I said bacon."
Oh, bacon? Never heard of it. I assume this is some rare ingredient that no one would ever think to put on a fast food sandwich, and thus your extreme emphasis and pride here is not at all mispla- no, no, I'm being told that in fact bacon is quite popular and probably appears on more fast food sandwiches these days than does ketchup.
Construction Worker: "Today's the day... I double down."
And tomorrow is the day you get a stent put in. No, make that two stents! See what I did there?
Voiceover: "The KFC Double Down! Double meat, double cheese, double bacon, double awesome."
Bacon is meat. And this thing really just looks gross. Oh, but it's also in grilled! Sweet, I was worried that two chicken breast fillets plus bacon and cheese might be a smidge too many calories. You do save all of 60 calories (still 480), although astonishingly the grilled version has significantly more cholesterol than the original recipe.
Voiceover: "Get yours today."
Pass.
Douchebag on couch: "So good."
I really don't like this guy. Why is he trying to eye-fuck the camera and only speaking out of one side of his mouth? Fuck him. I have no interest in anything he likes. Anyway, in case you missed him saying "So good," here comes a really obnoxious jingle to spell it out for you. No, seriously:
Jingle: "So S-O, G-Double-O-D Good!"
What the fuck is that stupid bullshit? First of all, "so good" itself is barely an acceptable slogan. Second of all, that is the best you could do for a song? "Hey, let's say the exact same thing twice, except in between the two words we'll spell the whole thing!" Who had to bill KFC for the thirty seconds it took them to write and compose that piece of shit?
This really is the evolution of fatness in America, isn't it? Sure, compared to some other products, the Double Down really isn't that bad - 540 calories and 32 grams of fat in 241 grams, which is absolutely dwarfed by that BK Homestyle Melt (810, 58, 221). But we've gone from "This sandwich needs more meat! Get rid of these vegetables!" to "This sandwich needs more meat! Get rid of this worthless bun!", which is just kind of ridiculous. Can you really even still call it a sandwich if it lacks a bun? And what's next? A chicken fillet with bacon and cheese jammed between two hamburger patties? A whole pork belly between two pieces of chicken? A turducken wrapped in bacon? A chicken fillet in between two entire roast pigs? Don't forget the melted butter for dipping!
Construction Worker: "Today is the day."
Skateboarder: "The day I ignore the voice of reason."
Seriously, that's the pitch? "You know that little voice in the back of your mind telling you that this food item is disgusting and awful? Just block that shit out." I could use the same logic to justify eating a package of Mallomars and washing it down with turkey gravy. You know, in theory.
Office Type: "The day I talk to the girl from accounting."
Not much of a comparable. Unless - is she riddled with STDs? Okay, you win, KFC. This is exactly like working up the nerve to eat your horrible sandwich.
Dude with classic car, for some reason: "The day I ditch the bun."
Okay, not bad - the Atkins diet isn't for everyone, but leaving off a fast food bun, which is a lot of refined white flour, will save you a fair number of calories...
Douchebag on couch: "And demand two meaty fillets!"
Uh oh.
Random guy on street: "Two slices of cheese!"
Guy walking indoors: "And two pieces of bacon."
"And two more notches on your belt." I love how they act like there was actually "demand" for this, like they didn't want to make the Double Down but Joe Back-Fat forced their hand. Does anyone really believe there was some focus group where KFC was testing out a new sandwich, and they kept getting the response "Would be better with entire second chicken fillet and without bun?"
Office Type: "Yeah. I said bacon."
Oh, bacon? Never heard of it. I assume this is some rare ingredient that no one would ever think to put on a fast food sandwich, and thus your extreme emphasis and pride here is not at all mispla- no, no, I'm being told that in fact bacon is quite popular and probably appears on more fast food sandwiches these days than does ketchup.
Construction Worker: "Today's the day... I double down."
And tomorrow is the day you get a stent put in. No, make that two stents! See what I did there?
Voiceover: "The KFC Double Down! Double meat, double cheese, double bacon, double awesome."
Bacon is meat. And this thing really just looks gross. Oh, but it's also in grilled! Sweet, I was worried that two chicken breast fillets plus bacon and cheese might be a smidge too many calories. You do save all of 60 calories (still 480), although astonishingly the grilled version has significantly more cholesterol than the original recipe.
Voiceover: "Get yours today."
Pass.
Douchebag on couch: "So good."
I really don't like this guy. Why is he trying to eye-fuck the camera and only speaking out of one side of his mouth? Fuck him. I have no interest in anything he likes. Anyway, in case you missed him saying "So good," here comes a really obnoxious jingle to spell it out for you. No, seriously:
Jingle: "So S-O, G-Double-O-D Good!"
What the fuck is that stupid bullshit? First of all, "so good" itself is barely an acceptable slogan. Second of all, that is the best you could do for a song? "Hey, let's say the exact same thing twice, except in between the two words we'll spell the whole thing!" Who had to bill KFC for the thirty seconds it took them to write and compose that piece of shit?
This really is the evolution of fatness in America, isn't it? Sure, compared to some other products, the Double Down really isn't that bad - 540 calories and 32 grams of fat in 241 grams, which is absolutely dwarfed by that BK Homestyle Melt (810, 58, 221). But we've gone from "This sandwich needs more meat! Get rid of these vegetables!" to "This sandwich needs more meat! Get rid of this worthless bun!", which is just kind of ridiculous. Can you really even still call it a sandwich if it lacks a bun? And what's next? A chicken fillet with bacon and cheese jammed between two hamburger patties? A whole pork belly between two pieces of chicken? A turducken wrapped in bacon? A chicken fillet in between two entire roast pigs? Don't forget the melted butter for dipping!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Boosting the ick factor
When you're down the ladder in terms of market share, I suppose I can see why you might feel a need to do something "out there" to get people's attention. But when you're doing something like this? Something so repugnant it just makes me want to look away and change the channel as fast as possible (and long before you've gotten your product name out there)? I'm not sure what you're really going for with that.
How bad is this ad? Bad enough that the first place I saw reference to it was in the comments section of this very blog, in a comment by reader Capewood. What did he say about it? Well, here's his first sentence: "I don't remember the company but some cell phone service provider is running a commercial with a woman and a guy riding a bicycle." (Bolding mine.) Sounds like a memorable ad! Good thing Boost Mobile went for the "hook" of a horrific image that no one wants to look at!
At least it's in service of a hilarious, hilarious joke, right?
Girl on bike: "What, you think this is wrong? It's a little gift from Mother Nature. I'll tell you what's wrong - it's cell phone companies charging hidden fees."
*spits out water* Pahahaha! Oh man, Boost Mobile. You got me. You told me what was wrong. I thought I knew what was wrong, but I was wrong! Oh man! There it is again! The wrongness!
I don't think Boost has gone far enough, though, if they really want to catch people's attention. How about... animal cannibalism? Oh, you did that. Not gross enough, right? You need humans involved. Well, how about a coroner eating food that was just sitting on a dead body? Man, that would be pretty out there... oh. You also did that. Well, I've got one suggestion left. But be warned: it's comedy gold.
[Setting: a suburban living room. The doorbell rings.]
Girl's voice: Come on in!
[A 35-year-old man enters through the front door. He is carrying a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice.]
Man: Katie?
Girl's voice: I'll be out in a second! Make yourself at home.
[The man sits down on the couch. Suddenly, Chris Hansen walks out from the kitchen.
Chris Hansen: What are you doing here?
Man: Uh, well, I just came to... uh...
Chris Hansen: To have sex with a 15-year-old girl.
Man: What, you think that's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong - cell phone companies that charge hidden fees!
Chris Hansen: You do realize you're on Dateline NBC right now.
Man: Heck yeah - I just looked you up using my sweet web-enabled phone.
Chris Hansen: Well, you're free to go.
Man: I will go - go call my lawyer on this awesome unlimited plan from Boost Mobile!
[As the man leaves the house, he is tackled by twelve police officers.]
Boost Mobile - where you at? Hopefully not a 15-year-old girl's house.
How bad is this ad? Bad enough that the first place I saw reference to it was in the comments section of this very blog, in a comment by reader Capewood. What did he say about it? Well, here's his first sentence: "I don't remember the company but some cell phone service provider is running a commercial with a woman and a guy riding a bicycle." (Bolding mine.) Sounds like a memorable ad! Good thing Boost Mobile went for the "hook" of a horrific image that no one wants to look at!
At least it's in service of a hilarious, hilarious joke, right?
Girl on bike: "What, you think this is wrong? It's a little gift from Mother Nature. I'll tell you what's wrong - it's cell phone companies charging hidden fees."
*spits out water* Pahahaha! Oh man, Boost Mobile. You got me. You told me what was wrong. I thought I knew what was wrong, but I was wrong! Oh man! There it is again! The wrongness!
I don't think Boost has gone far enough, though, if they really want to catch people's attention. How about... animal cannibalism? Oh, you did that. Not gross enough, right? You need humans involved. Well, how about a coroner eating food that was just sitting on a dead body? Man, that would be pretty out there... oh. You also did that. Well, I've got one suggestion left. But be warned: it's comedy gold.
[Setting: a suburban living room. The doorbell rings.]
Girl's voice: Come on in!
[A 35-year-old man enters through the front door. He is carrying a six-pack of Smirnoff Ice.]
Man: Katie?
Girl's voice: I'll be out in a second! Make yourself at home.
[The man sits down on the couch. Suddenly, Chris Hansen walks out from the kitchen.
Chris Hansen: What are you doing here?
Man: Uh, well, I just came to... uh...
Chris Hansen: To have sex with a 15-year-old girl.
Man: What, you think that's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong - cell phone companies that charge hidden fees!
Chris Hansen: You do realize you're on Dateline NBC right now.
Man: Heck yeah - I just looked you up using my sweet web-enabled phone.
Chris Hansen: Well, you're free to go.
Man: I will go - go call my lawyer on this awesome unlimited plan from Boost Mobile!
[As the man leaves the house, he is tackled by twelve police officers.]
Boost Mobile - where you at? Hopefully not a 15-year-old girl's house.
Monday, January 26, 2009
A Dew in the ointment
Hey. Mountain Dew. What have we said about not putting disgusting shit in ads for food products?
Okay, Mountain Dew is sort of gross on its own terms, but it's still something the public is expected to consume. It's not some sort of industrial solvent. So maybe going with the huge nasty splash of bug guts, I don't know, wasn't the way to get us all excited to drink your soda?
But what kills me about this commercial is the bizarre coda, in which Mountain Dew suddenly gets all defensive about their stupid ad:
Announcer [reading onscreen text]: "Drinking Mountain Dew Voltage will not actually electrify you. This was simply a metaphor, an admittedly weak metaphor, to suggest it is intense. We hope you enjoyed it but fully understand if you did not."
You know, if you have to apologize for the commercial you just ran, maybe you should have come up with another idea. Was there a pitch meeting where someone tossed out the bug guts idea, and half the room loved it but half the room thought it would be too gross? So then someone, the Henry Clay of advertising, stands up. "Gentlemen," he says, "I propose that we show the bug guts. But!" (Here he raises his voice slightly and holds up his hand to quiet the throng of anti-guts admen who have already begun to grumble their objections.) "But... I suggest that at the end, we admit that it was a shitty ad."
The admen look around at each other, unsure how to react.
"That's right," Henry says. "I understand that it goes against your every instinct, that it flies in the face of everything you've learned in your career. But we can have it both ways. We can get the laughs of the 15-year-old kids who think bug guts are hilarious. And we can also get grudging acceptance from the people who think that shit is nasty, by admitting that we know the ad we've just shown them was kind of terrible."
A wave of muttered acceptance sweeps the room. A triumphant smile crosses Henry's face.
***
That's the pre-credits sequence of the screenplay I'm writing, tentatively entitled The Voltage Spot. The rest of the film is 90 minutes of me finding out who green-lighted this shit, going to their houses and punching them in the junk.
Okay, Mountain Dew is sort of gross on its own terms, but it's still something the public is expected to consume. It's not some sort of industrial solvent. So maybe going with the huge nasty splash of bug guts, I don't know, wasn't the way to get us all excited to drink your soda?
But what kills me about this commercial is the bizarre coda, in which Mountain Dew suddenly gets all defensive about their stupid ad:
Announcer [reading onscreen text]: "Drinking Mountain Dew Voltage will not actually electrify you. This was simply a metaphor, an admittedly weak metaphor, to suggest it is intense. We hope you enjoyed it but fully understand if you did not."
You know, if you have to apologize for the commercial you just ran, maybe you should have come up with another idea. Was there a pitch meeting where someone tossed out the bug guts idea, and half the room loved it but half the room thought it would be too gross? So then someone, the Henry Clay of advertising, stands up. "Gentlemen," he says, "I propose that we show the bug guts. But!" (Here he raises his voice slightly and holds up his hand to quiet the throng of anti-guts admen who have already begun to grumble their objections.) "But... I suggest that at the end, we admit that it was a shitty ad."
The admen look around at each other, unsure how to react.
"That's right," Henry says. "I understand that it goes against your every instinct, that it flies in the face of everything you've learned in your career. But we can have it both ways. We can get the laughs of the 15-year-old kids who think bug guts are hilarious. And we can also get grudging acceptance from the people who think that shit is nasty, by admitting that we know the ad we've just shown them was kind of terrible."
A wave of muttered acceptance sweeps the room. A triumphant smile crosses Henry's face.
***
That's the pre-credits sequence of the screenplay I'm writing, tentatively entitled The Voltage Spot. The rest of the film is 90 minutes of me finding out who green-lighted this shit, going to their houses and punching them in the junk.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Ass-bear-ger's Syndrome
Is Charmin going to make more bad commercials? Does a bear shit in the woods?
Please, Charmin. I'm begging you to stop doing this.
Bear: "Down... set... YIKES!"
First of all, I wish they would decide whether or not the bears' mouths move when they speak. Second of all... the thing that the bear is worried about here is not something that would ever happen to a human. Because we wear pants. And underwear. If I were bending over in front of you to snap a football and you could see pieces of toilet paper sticking to my ass, there would be a much bigger problem going on than that.
Voiceover: "No one likes a bath tissue that leaves little white pieces behind!"
I mean, I guess. It's not really that big of a deal, is it? Oh, apparently it is. So much so that we needed to devote an entire product to the idea.
Voiceover: "Fortunately, there's Charmin Extra Strong!"
That just sounds... problematic. But give that bear a pom-pom! This is very exciting!
Voiceover: "Only Charmin Extra Strong has FlexWeave, uniquely woven fibers with extra strength!"
Wow, Extra Strong Charmin has extra strength? I'm glad you were willing to clear that up. Seriously, buy a fucking thesaurus.
Voiceover: "Extra strength, so when compared to the ultra rippled brand, it holds up better!"
Hey, say "extra strength" again. I'm not able to parse "extra strong" from adjective form into noun form all by myself. Also, I suppose I get the point of this demonstration, but somehow showing a three-pound weight dragging a piece of wet toilet paper across a table doesn't totally sell me on the paper's real use.
Voiceover: "Fewer pieces left behind, plus all the softness you expect from Charmin!"
Is it? Is it really? Or is it like wiping your ass with a paper towel? Because I actually looked at this stuff at the store recently and it looks exactly like a paper towel. And "extra strong" just sounds kind of unpleasant, really.
Voiceover: "Charmin Extra Strong. Look for it in the red package."
This explains a lot. The reason this ad makes a big deal about something that bears should be most concerned about is that this ad is actually aimed at bears. Why else would they assume that the viewer can't read and would need to remember the color of the package? (And yes, bears can see color.) Maybe Lowe's and Charmin could do some kind of cross-promotion. "How do you like your ass, Bill? 'Rawr?' Rubbed raw by extra strong Charmin? Check."
Seriously, how gross are these commercials? I know that it's hard to advertise a product like this, but couldn't they go the Metamucil route and dance around it? Sure, that sucks, but it sucks less than cartoon pieces of cartoon toilet paper on cartoon bears' asses. I think we can all be thankful that, unlike our animal friends, we don't live in a world where the issues revolving around other people's toilet paper problems are on constant public display.
Please, Charmin. I'm begging you to stop doing this.
Bear: "Down... set... YIKES!"
First of all, I wish they would decide whether or not the bears' mouths move when they speak. Second of all... the thing that the bear is worried about here is not something that would ever happen to a human. Because we wear pants. And underwear. If I were bending over in front of you to snap a football and you could see pieces of toilet paper sticking to my ass, there would be a much bigger problem going on than that.
Voiceover: "No one likes a bath tissue that leaves little white pieces behind!"
I mean, I guess. It's not really that big of a deal, is it? Oh, apparently it is. So much so that we needed to devote an entire product to the idea.
Voiceover: "Fortunately, there's Charmin Extra Strong!"
That just sounds... problematic. But give that bear a pom-pom! This is very exciting!
Voiceover: "Only Charmin Extra Strong has FlexWeave, uniquely woven fibers with extra strength!"
Wow, Extra Strong Charmin has extra strength? I'm glad you were willing to clear that up. Seriously, buy a fucking thesaurus.
Voiceover: "Extra strength, so when compared to the ultra rippled brand, it holds up better!"
Hey, say "extra strength" again. I'm not able to parse "extra strong" from adjective form into noun form all by myself. Also, I suppose I get the point of this demonstration, but somehow showing a three-pound weight dragging a piece of wet toilet paper across a table doesn't totally sell me on the paper's real use.
Voiceover: "Fewer pieces left behind, plus all the softness you expect from Charmin!"
Is it? Is it really? Or is it like wiping your ass with a paper towel? Because I actually looked at this stuff at the store recently and it looks exactly like a paper towel. And "extra strong" just sounds kind of unpleasant, really.
Voiceover: "Charmin Extra Strong. Look for it in the red package."
This explains a lot. The reason this ad makes a big deal about something that bears should be most concerned about is that this ad is actually aimed at bears. Why else would they assume that the viewer can't read and would need to remember the color of the package? (And yes, bears can see color.) Maybe Lowe's and Charmin could do some kind of cross-promotion. "How do you like your ass, Bill? 'Rawr?' Rubbed raw by extra strong Charmin? Check."
Seriously, how gross are these commercials? I know that it's hard to advertise a product like this, but couldn't they go the Metamucil route and dance around it? Sure, that sucks, but it sucks less than cartoon pieces of cartoon toilet paper on cartoon bears' asses. I think we can all be thankful that, unlike our animal friends, we don't live in a world where the issues revolving around other people's toilet paper problems are on constant public display.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Shock and Vomit
What audience, exactly, is Cars.com targeting with their latest spot?
Wife: And I didn't have to resort to Plan B.
We are only at 10 seconds (1/3 of the way through the spot), and you are already done telling me anything about your product. Not one more second of this commercial is useful to consumers or relevant to marketing Cars.com.
Salesman: Oh, what's Plan B?
Wife: In order to get you to agree to my terms quickly, I was going to have you eat these brownies which I mixed with horse laxative.
Um, what? Weren't we just talking about comparing car prices? Then I see skeevy looking food and hear the word "laxative" preceded by the word "horse." First of all, why did they go to extreme gross-out measures with a cheap laxative joke? Secondly, why does it have to be horse laxative? Regular human laxative wouldn't do the trick?
Let me just point something out: How old is this couple? They look to be around mid to late 30's, possibly early 40's. That's about the target age range for Cars.com, I'd guess. Now, remind me, who laughs at jokes about laxatives? Oh yeah, not 40 year-olds. I bet this commercial went over great with the pre-Driver's license audience.
Husband: (stomach grumbles, brownie crumbs reveal themselves on chin) Excuse me.
Sweet! Bonus diarrhea jokes! Thank you to the Farrelly brothers for writing this ad.
Wife: My husband kinda has a sweet tooth.
The comedic double whammy! Not only did you dump horse laxative in there, but you let your husband eat it! Woohoo! This is the payoff line to which all future payoff lines will be compared..... if it were funny at all.
If you just took the first 10 seconds of this commercial, here's what you'd have: A straightforward selling message of the benefits of Cars.com without the stomach-churning shit jokes and lowest-common-denominator humor. But you would also have a boring ad. I guess the question for companies that can't come up with a good, original commercial is: Is it better to possibly bore your customers, or to make them want to throw up? Unfortunately, Cars.com seems to know where they want to go.
Wife: And I didn't have to resort to Plan B.
We are only at 10 seconds (1/3 of the way through the spot), and you are already done telling me anything about your product. Not one more second of this commercial is useful to consumers or relevant to marketing Cars.com.
Salesman: Oh, what's Plan B?
Wife: In order to get you to agree to my terms quickly, I was going to have you eat these brownies which I mixed with horse laxative.
Um, what? Weren't we just talking about comparing car prices? Then I see skeevy looking food and hear the word "laxative" preceded by the word "horse." First of all, why did they go to extreme gross-out measures with a cheap laxative joke? Secondly, why does it have to be horse laxative? Regular human laxative wouldn't do the trick?
Let me just point something out: How old is this couple? They look to be around mid to late 30's, possibly early 40's. That's about the target age range for Cars.com, I'd guess. Now, remind me, who laughs at jokes about laxatives? Oh yeah, not 40 year-olds. I bet this commercial went over great with the pre-Driver's license audience.
Husband: (stomach grumbles, brownie crumbs reveal themselves on chin) Excuse me.
Sweet! Bonus diarrhea jokes! Thank you to the Farrelly brothers for writing this ad.
Wife: My husband kinda has a sweet tooth.
The comedic double whammy! Not only did you dump horse laxative in there, but you let your husband eat it! Woohoo! This is the payoff line to which all future payoff lines will be compared..... if it were funny at all.
If you just took the first 10 seconds of this commercial, here's what you'd have: A straightforward selling message of the benefits of Cars.com without the stomach-churning shit jokes and lowest-common-denominator humor. But you would also have a boring ad. I guess the question for companies that can't come up with a good, original commercial is: Is it better to possibly bore your customers, or to make them want to throw up? Unfortunately, Cars.com seems to know where they want to go.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Red Bull gives you nightmares
Red Bull's ads have long bothered me. The off-putting animation style, the emphasis on sex as though they were Viagra ads, the potentially dangerous implication that the more Red Bull you drink, the more focused you'll be... the list goes on. This one, though? It's just kind of gross.
So, which part was your favorite? Was it:
* The visually-indicated dog lust?
* Once again, the suggestion that Red Bull is some sort of male enhancer?
* The least subtle erection reference in advertising history?
* The thought that a dog has been drinking can after can of a product that even humans shouldn't gulp down in such quantities?
* The idea that the small dog is apparently going to fly up and hover in mid-air so as to have sex with the large dog?
* The idea that a litter full of puppies is about to be forced to watch their parents have sex right in front of them?
* The fact that the only way the artist came up with to denote the large dog's femininity was to draw six pointy teats on her?
* Red Bull's insistence on spelling it "wiiings" in their official slogan?
Who can choose? Personally I feel bad for those puppies, since it looks like they get stuck watching Mom and Dad get it on almost constantly. Maybe this wouldn't be such a bad thing if the dogs weren't vaguely anthropomorphized - note that Dad grabs the Red Bull like he has fingers. Perhaps all the energy drinks he's consumed have actually mutated him into the next stage of evolution.
I've often wondered how Red Bull gets away with these ads, though. It's not like there aren't ads that hint at sex on television all the time, but this one does way more than hint. It's probably not even the most egregious one in the series, but I can't find the video of the one where clothes drop into frame from the top of the screen and we hear various pleasured sounds. What the hell? Isn't Red Bull mostly consumed by college students cramming for finals? Why would anyone associate it with getting laid? Also, it tastes like fucking cough syrup. If I have to give Red Bull credit, it's for building up their brand to a point where people want to drink it even though, compared to most of its competitors, it kind of sucks.
But that doesn't make me any less baffled as to how an ad like this sells Red Bull. "Oh, well, if those dogs would use it as a marital aid..." Other ads in the series, where they at least give the "vitalizes body and mind" spiel - a gross exaggeration if ever there was one, but at least a claim about the product - make more sense. This one's just "Red Bull might help you fuck, if you're a dog, and if you take the 'wings' slogan seriously, which no one would." Great.
So, which part was your favorite? Was it:
* The visually-indicated dog lust?
* Once again, the suggestion that Red Bull is some sort of male enhancer?
* The least subtle erection reference in advertising history?
* The thought that a dog has been drinking can after can of a product that even humans shouldn't gulp down in such quantities?
* The idea that the small dog is apparently going to fly up and hover in mid-air so as to have sex with the large dog?
* The idea that a litter full of puppies is about to be forced to watch their parents have sex right in front of them?
* The fact that the only way the artist came up with to denote the large dog's femininity was to draw six pointy teats on her?
* Red Bull's insistence on spelling it "wiiings" in their official slogan?
Who can choose? Personally I feel bad for those puppies, since it looks like they get stuck watching Mom and Dad get it on almost constantly. Maybe this wouldn't be such a bad thing if the dogs weren't vaguely anthropomorphized - note that Dad grabs the Red Bull like he has fingers. Perhaps all the energy drinks he's consumed have actually mutated him into the next stage of evolution.
I've often wondered how Red Bull gets away with these ads, though. It's not like there aren't ads that hint at sex on television all the time, but this one does way more than hint. It's probably not even the most egregious one in the series, but I can't find the video of the one where clothes drop into frame from the top of the screen and we hear various pleasured sounds. What the hell? Isn't Red Bull mostly consumed by college students cramming for finals? Why would anyone associate it with getting laid? Also, it tastes like fucking cough syrup. If I have to give Red Bull credit, it's for building up their brand to a point where people want to drink it even though, compared to most of its competitors, it kind of sucks.
But that doesn't make me any less baffled as to how an ad like this sells Red Bull. "Oh, well, if those dogs would use it as a marital aid..." Other ads in the series, where they at least give the "vitalizes body and mind" spiel - a gross exaggeration if ever there was one, but at least a claim about the product - make more sense. This one's just "Red Bull might help you fuck, if you're a dog, and if you take the 'wings' slogan seriously, which no one would." Great.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
You Can Do That on Television, You Just Shouldn't: The Most Disgusting Ads of All-Time
Hi, everyone. Windier E. Megatons here. Recently, I saw an ad that got me to thinking, "What are the most disgusting ads ever produced?" Below are the top three choices that Quivering P. Landmass and I came up with from our television watching and travels around YouTube. Without further ado:
#3 - All-Bran
W.E.M.: To start with, the notion of this being a "challenge" is a little strange. "I dare you to shit on a regular basis!" But of course the key component of this ad is the way they dance around the fact that it's about shitting, like with every ad for fiber products. For something that actually aired on television, though, it seems a little on-the-nose. Compare it to Metamucil's "gussy up your insides" euphemism, for example. They actually show barrels rolling like they're tumbling out of this guy's ass. I'm okay with the dump truck, but that part is just creepily graphic.
Q.P.L.: It's pretty clear this is intended to be tongue-in-cheek, but this ad crosses the line of good taste and good humor. What's most bothersome to me is the repeated jokes -- this construction worker has three metaphorical bowel movements within 25 seconds. I'm not so sure that's "regular" at that point. Also, we get the joke, guys -- stuff's coming out of his ass. Why do you keep coming to me with the same joke? Vary it up a little. And don't talk with your mouth full, either!
W.E.M.: Plus, as a construction worker, doesn't he need to be on his feet all day? I don't know if running off to the bathroom every few hours to extrude some bran by-product from your colon is going to be terribly beneficial in that line of work. And I'm sorry, the way the voice-over guy at the end says "Feel it" is just terrifying. He's really pushing all his energy into the word "feel." "You're gonna feel yourself taking a dump. I can't emphasize this enough. Here it comes, dude. Unggggh." Sickening.
#2 - Starburst
W.E.M.: When you combine this with that atrocious Berries and Cream ad, Starburst's commercials seem to follow the Family Guy method: take something that isn't funny (and that is, preferably, either gross or weird) and repeat it several times in rapid succession. Instant comedy! Say "wetsuits" again, dude!
Q.P.L.: Here's the thing about food -- it doesn't go with vomit. Or with feces, either. If you're selling candy or cereal or whatever, shouldn't you concentrate on the taste? Or the texture, or something other than toilet humor?
W.E.M.: I mean, I guess they pointed out that the Starburst was juicy, even if that's a gross exaggeration of the positive attributes of a Starburst. But they're basically tying in "juicy" with the image of a whale horking fish onto its handlers. When I'm perusing the impulse-purchase candy rack at the grocery store checkout, I doubt I'm going to reach for the candy that calls up the mental image of a beluga being sick, no matter how funny it was. Which it wasn't.
#1 - Marmite
Q.P.L.: The vomit scene lasts for more than 7 seconds in this commercial. A fifth of your commercial is taken up by an infant throwing up an impossible amount of liquid. The concept for this ad is "a child barfs after it ingests our product." Well, it's a good thing Marmite is a pharmaceutical product that induces vomiting! Oh, no, that's right -- it's a FOOD product. Everything is repulsive here: the color of the puke, the hideous sound of the vomiting, the length of the upchuck, and even the product "Squeezy Marmite" -- do you want to eat a Squeezy anything? And do you want to eat it after this?
W.E.M.: I mean, kudos to Marmite for having the stones to admit that some people find their product completely disgusting. It's certainly not a technique you could get away with in the States, I don't think. But this takes that concept way too far. It's one thing to show someone not caring for the taste; to show them throwing up as a result, even if it is just a baby, is insanity. You want people associating your product with vomit? Might as well just put the puking baby on the label and stamp every jar with "Marmite: You'll Probably Hate It." What's with the orgasmic look the mom has when she bites into the toast, by the way? I guarantee you there's no way anyone likes Marmite that fucking much, even if they can keep it down.
Q.P.L.: Yeah, I'll give them credit on the tagline. They took a risk on this ad, and I think they lost. Just one opinion. As for the mother's reaction to the Marmite itself -- I guess some people just really enjoy yeast extract created as by-products of beer brewing.
There they are, folks: the three most disgusting ads in the world, as selected by our "distinguished panel." I think these are hard to top, but if you've got an ad that made you sick, feel free to volunteer your disgust in the comments.
#3 - All-Bran
W.E.M.: To start with, the notion of this being a "challenge" is a little strange. "I dare you to shit on a regular basis!" But of course the key component of this ad is the way they dance around the fact that it's about shitting, like with every ad for fiber products. For something that actually aired on television, though, it seems a little on-the-nose. Compare it to Metamucil's "gussy up your insides" euphemism, for example. They actually show barrels rolling like they're tumbling out of this guy's ass. I'm okay with the dump truck, but that part is just creepily graphic.
Q.P.L.: It's pretty clear this is intended to be tongue-in-cheek, but this ad crosses the line of good taste and good humor. What's most bothersome to me is the repeated jokes -- this construction worker has three metaphorical bowel movements within 25 seconds. I'm not so sure that's "regular" at that point. Also, we get the joke, guys -- stuff's coming out of his ass. Why do you keep coming to me with the same joke? Vary it up a little. And don't talk with your mouth full, either!
W.E.M.: Plus, as a construction worker, doesn't he need to be on his feet all day? I don't know if running off to the bathroom every few hours to extrude some bran by-product from your colon is going to be terribly beneficial in that line of work. And I'm sorry, the way the voice-over guy at the end says "Feel it" is just terrifying. He's really pushing all his energy into the word "feel." "You're gonna feel yourself taking a dump. I can't emphasize this enough. Here it comes, dude. Unggggh." Sickening.
#2 - Starburst
W.E.M.: When you combine this with that atrocious Berries and Cream ad, Starburst's commercials seem to follow the Family Guy method: take something that isn't funny (and that is, preferably, either gross or weird) and repeat it several times in rapid succession. Instant comedy! Say "wetsuits" again, dude!
Q.P.L.: Here's the thing about food -- it doesn't go with vomit. Or with feces, either. If you're selling candy or cereal or whatever, shouldn't you concentrate on the taste? Or the texture, or something other than toilet humor?
W.E.M.: I mean, I guess they pointed out that the Starburst was juicy, even if that's a gross exaggeration of the positive attributes of a Starburst. But they're basically tying in "juicy" with the image of a whale horking fish onto its handlers. When I'm perusing the impulse-purchase candy rack at the grocery store checkout, I doubt I'm going to reach for the candy that calls up the mental image of a beluga being sick, no matter how funny it was. Which it wasn't.
#1 - Marmite
Q.P.L.: The vomit scene lasts for more than 7 seconds in this commercial. A fifth of your commercial is taken up by an infant throwing up an impossible amount of liquid. The concept for this ad is "a child barfs after it ingests our product." Well, it's a good thing Marmite is a pharmaceutical product that induces vomiting! Oh, no, that's right -- it's a FOOD product. Everything is repulsive here: the color of the puke, the hideous sound of the vomiting, the length of the upchuck, and even the product "Squeezy Marmite" -- do you want to eat a Squeezy anything? And do you want to eat it after this?
W.E.M.: I mean, kudos to Marmite for having the stones to admit that some people find their product completely disgusting. It's certainly not a technique you could get away with in the States, I don't think. But this takes that concept way too far. It's one thing to show someone not caring for the taste; to show them throwing up as a result, even if it is just a baby, is insanity. You want people associating your product with vomit? Might as well just put the puking baby on the label and stamp every jar with "Marmite: You'll Probably Hate It." What's with the orgasmic look the mom has when she bites into the toast, by the way? I guarantee you there's no way anyone likes Marmite that fucking much, even if they can keep it down.
Q.P.L.: Yeah, I'll give them credit on the tagline. They took a risk on this ad, and I think they lost. Just one opinion. As for the mother's reaction to the Marmite itself -- I guess some people just really enjoy yeast extract created as by-products of beer brewing.
There they are, folks: the three most disgusting ads in the world, as selected by our "distinguished panel." I think these are hard to top, but if you've got an ad that made you sick, feel free to volunteer your disgust in the comments.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
No, it's Snickers that satisfies you.
Where, exactly, is Sally Kellerman planning to put that Milky Way? And do you take it out of the wrapper for something like that?
Saturday, October 27, 2007
It is so creepy
You know how when you eat meat, you don't really want to run into a big piece of fat or tendon or anything, not just because it's gross, but because it reminds you that you're eating what used to be a living animal? I kind of feel the same way about yogurt.
It's one thing to know there's live cultures in your yogurt. It's another thing to see them animated (awkwardly) and running amok on your TV screen. This is the best way they had to get the point across? Hey, live and active cultures! The voice-over woman even makes sure to put extra stress on "live" and "active" when she says them for the second time in five seconds. "Get it? Active! Look, they're dancing around!" And spinning plates to "Sabre Dance" in what seems like an homage to the Ed Sullivan Show, because this is 1965 and everyone will get that joke. They'll also definitely get the reference to the films of Busby Berkeley that follows, because this is 1936 and his career is at its peak. Maybe in the follow-up to this ad we can see the cultures dressed in leisure suits, dancing to "Stayin' Alive." You know, 'cause they're live cultures? Oh man, this is pure gold!
Maybe the problem is the way the cultures are depicted. They look like little pink squishy pigs, except they stand on two feet and have defined limbs. That's just kind of horrifying. Can you imagine if you were watching one of those old Beef: It's What's For Dinner ads and a CGI cow jumped off the stove and started dancing around to "Hoedown" while the voice-over suggested various ways to prepare the meat? Frankly, that's not even close to as bad because at least you can see cows with the naked eye. I'm fine with live cultures when I can't see them. When they're doing backflips into my yogurt like I'm about to eat a cup of strawberry-flavored ants, I think that's where I stop being very hungry.
It's one thing to know there's live cultures in your yogurt. It's another thing to see them animated (awkwardly) and running amok on your TV screen. This is the best way they had to get the point across? Hey, live and active cultures! The voice-over woman even makes sure to put extra stress on "live" and "active" when she says them for the second time in five seconds. "Get it? Active! Look, they're dancing around!" And spinning plates to "Sabre Dance" in what seems like an homage to the Ed Sullivan Show, because this is 1965 and everyone will get that joke. They'll also definitely get the reference to the films of Busby Berkeley that follows, because this is 1936 and his career is at its peak. Maybe in the follow-up to this ad we can see the cultures dressed in leisure suits, dancing to "Stayin' Alive." You know, 'cause they're live cultures? Oh man, this is pure gold!
Maybe the problem is the way the cultures are depicted. They look like little pink squishy pigs, except they stand on two feet and have defined limbs. That's just kind of horrifying. Can you imagine if you were watching one of those old Beef: It's What's For Dinner ads and a CGI cow jumped off the stove and started dancing around to "Hoedown" while the voice-over suggested various ways to prepare the meat? Frankly, that's not even close to as bad because at least you can see cows with the naked eye. I'm fine with live cultures when I can't see them. When they're doing backflips into my yogurt like I'm about to eat a cup of strawberry-flavored ants, I think that's where I stop being very hungry.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Em-bear-ass-ing
This isn't a political blog, so I'm not going to touch the possibility that this commercial is intended to reinforce the "Republicans = strong while Democrats = soft" agenda with a ten-foot pole. Fortunately I don't have to, because that's not really why it sucks.
Truly, Charmin's obsession with bears - specifically, with bears shitting - has hit an all-time low. At least in previous ads it sort of made sense - first of all, the bears were depicted in the woods, and second of all, the slogan used to be "Best for Bear Bottoms." Sure, the bears could communicate telepathically, which is kind of creepy, but at least it all fit together.
Now, however, the bears are pulled completely out of their element. They're running down the beach in a clear Chariots of Fire homage, although Handel's Messiah is playing since that's in the public domain while Vangelis' score for Chariots is not, and if you were Vangelis, would you allow the licensing rights to your most enduring work to be sold for an ad that was going to play it over bear asses?
Also, they're running down the beach, kind of heavily lumbering and looking uncomfortable. If you have to shit as much as these bears evidently do, why would you attempt to run, especially on an uneven surface like sand? And wouldn't it make way more sense for the "Hallelujah" chorus to kick in after they see the outhouses? Instead you've got the choir rolling over the inexplicable gyrating-cartoon-bear-asses shot that made me profoundly uncomfortable. I know Charmin makes toilet paper and there's got to be some reference to how one uses their product in their ads, but given how the copy itself always tippy-toes around its specific function - kind of Metamucil-esque - I'm routinely confounded by the insistence on making direct visual references to pre-shit (and sometimes mid-shit) bears.
Speaking of copy:
Announcer: "Introducing a new world of Charmin!"
A new world? Aren't we overstating it just a bit? If they were playing Dvořák's Ninth Symphony I might accept this as just the most erudite reference in advertising history, but they're not.
Announcer: "New Charmin Ultra Strong, for those who want a little more strength, and Charmin Ultra Soft, for those who want a little more softness."
They couldn't have diversified their word choices even a little more than that? "Strong for strength! Soft for softness! For those who want a little more!" I'm glad you were able to work so much information on the product in there.
Announcer: "Rediscover Charmin. Choose the one that's best for you!"
Frankly, I'm a little worried by someone who wants to use something "stronger" on their most sensitive areas while in the bathroom. "Say, Mabel, hand me that sandpaper, will ya? Yeah, I really need something with a little more strength when I'm wiping... OH GOD! SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK! WHY AM I DOING THIS??? Ah, all clean."
[cartoon bears pound fists]
Wait a minute - was that Charmin actually trying to work some street cred in there? Good try, but it might work better if the chamber music and outhouses didn't peg the rest of the commercial at somewhere around the year 1750.
You really have to love the combination of the Messiah oratorio with the heavenly beam of light when the bears near the portable toilets, though. Two new types of toilet paper, one slightly stronger and one slightly softer. That's about on par with the return of Christ in glory, isn't it?
Truly, Charmin's obsession with bears - specifically, with bears shitting - has hit an all-time low. At least in previous ads it sort of made sense - first of all, the bears were depicted in the woods, and second of all, the slogan used to be "Best for Bear Bottoms." Sure, the bears could communicate telepathically, which is kind of creepy, but at least it all fit together.
Now, however, the bears are pulled completely out of their element. They're running down the beach in a clear Chariots of Fire homage, although Handel's Messiah is playing since that's in the public domain while Vangelis' score for Chariots is not, and if you were Vangelis, would you allow the licensing rights to your most enduring work to be sold for an ad that was going to play it over bear asses?
Also, they're running down the beach, kind of heavily lumbering and looking uncomfortable. If you have to shit as much as these bears evidently do, why would you attempt to run, especially on an uneven surface like sand? And wouldn't it make way more sense for the "Hallelujah" chorus to kick in after they see the outhouses? Instead you've got the choir rolling over the inexplicable gyrating-cartoon-bear-asses shot that made me profoundly uncomfortable. I know Charmin makes toilet paper and there's got to be some reference to how one uses their product in their ads, but given how the copy itself always tippy-toes around its specific function - kind of Metamucil-esque - I'm routinely confounded by the insistence on making direct visual references to pre-shit (and sometimes mid-shit) bears.
Speaking of copy:
Announcer: "Introducing a new world of Charmin!"
A new world? Aren't we overstating it just a bit? If they were playing Dvořák's Ninth Symphony I might accept this as just the most erudite reference in advertising history, but they're not.
Announcer: "New Charmin Ultra Strong, for those who want a little more strength, and Charmin Ultra Soft, for those who want a little more softness."
They couldn't have diversified their word choices even a little more than that? "Strong for strength! Soft for softness! For those who want a little more!" I'm glad you were able to work so much information on the product in there.
Announcer: "Rediscover Charmin. Choose the one that's best for you!"
Frankly, I'm a little worried by someone who wants to use something "stronger" on their most sensitive areas while in the bathroom. "Say, Mabel, hand me that sandpaper, will ya? Yeah, I really need something with a little more strength when I'm wiping... OH GOD! SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK! WHY AM I DOING THIS??? Ah, all clean."
[cartoon bears pound fists]
Wait a minute - was that Charmin actually trying to work some street cred in there? Good try, but it might work better if the chamber music and outhouses didn't peg the rest of the commercial at somewhere around the year 1750.
You really have to love the combination of the Messiah oratorio with the heavenly beam of light when the bears near the portable toilets, though. Two new types of toilet paper, one slightly stronger and one slightly softer. That's about on par with the return of Christ in glory, isn't it?
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