Spanish ply

I ordinarily hate posting clips that have text on them promoting someone else's website. You can understand why - it might look like I'm endorsing that site when in fact I've never gone to it and have no intention of vouching for its quality. So with the understanding that this is not an endorsement of the site itself, which I've never visited, I do want to thank whoever is behind "Gallery of the Absurd" for posting this on YouTube, because this Cottonelle ad just cries out for comment.



Gahhhhhh.

Wife: "When you've been together as long as we have-"
Husband [off-screen]: "Honey, where's the-"
Wife: "Top shelf! Life can get a bit... routine. That's why I decided to switch things up..."

The gag, of course, is that you're supposed to think that this is an ad for Viagra, or Cialis, or KY Yours and Mine or something. Something involving sex. Of course, this is actually an ad for toilet paper. And here's where it gets really gross.

Wife: "...with Cottonelle Ultra toilet paper!"
Husband [o.s.]: "Oh, yeah."
Wife: "You see? It's 35% thicker than the Northern brand."

Originally here I wrote a parody of the Beatles' "Only a Northern Song" with the lyrics "It's only the Northern brand," before reminding myself that it's one of their deepest cuts and no one would find it funny. (I had to tell you that just so I could avoid second-guessing not posting it.) Anyway, around the laughable attempt to skirt the mention of their nearest competitor, we can see the commercial going to hell - well, going further into hell - as the husband is enjoying himself way, way too much off-screen.

Husband [o.s.]: "Love it!"

Egad. Really, Cottonelle? Really? Has this guy reached so far up there that he's massaging his own prostate?

Wife: "You might say this one little switch has made all the difference!"
[Husband emerges in some sort of 70s dance outfit.]
Husband: "Veena, get dressed, we're goin' dancing."

Horrifying. Also, is her name really "Veena?" I can't hear it as anything else, but who is named that, other than no one? By the way, this guy apparently successfully finished wiping his ass in under twenty seconds. Is he the Flash? Does he just shit pure water? And speaking of water, I didn't hear a sink. Get the fuck back in there and wash your hands, jackass.

Announcer: "Little switches can make all the difference!"

All what difference? I'm sorry, Cottonelle, but you're not selling me on the idea that using different toilet paper is going to change my life. Much less my sex life.

Knitwear and I were actually talking about this - toilet paper is a hard product to sell. 99% of products you can show people using, but toilet paper is not one of them. So instead we get this endless dance. You can be like Charmin and use cartoon bears so that you can get right up to the line of what's okay - showing pieces of toilet paper stuck to a cartoon bear's ass, something you obviously couldn't show on a human. Or you can be like Cottonelle and, in this ad, not show someone using your product but instead play the sound of someone using your product. The only problem with that is that I don't want to hear someone using your product either, especially not when they're making sounds that make it entirely unclear what is happening in there. And I also don't want to hear that while the guy's dumpy wife is standing outside using language that implies their sex life has improved thanks to cleaner asses. But hey, thanks for that mental image, Cottonelle! Maybe in the sequel the guy could come out in bondage gear. "Veena, put on your mask, grab the whip, and don't forget the safe word is rhubarb!"

The Art of Subtlety

This dog has a bit of an idee fixe, can you tell what it is?



Clearly, this puppy is concerned about people's ass comfort. But are these situations really all that painful? Let us take a look at a couple of these peoples' positions that are just freaking this dog out:

People sitting on a ledge

Really? Doesn't seem that bad. Sitting on a stone ledge is a novelty -- it's better than, say, taking a seat on a pitchfork.

A kid squatting on a soccer ball

Actually, this wouldn't cause much ass pain. It might, however, be difficult to balance.

Someone falling while roller-blading

I'll give them the falling down thing. But, isn't falling down from roller-blading a more gluteal kind of pain, rather than the inner-ass pain you get from wiping with one-ply TP?

Family riding a see-saw

This is supposed to be a fun activity, and any posterior discomfort should be mitigated by the overall enjoyment of the ride.

A seated statue

FYI to Cottonelle: Statues do not feel pain.

Look, I appreciate the fact that you have to dance around certain subjects when you're advertising a personal care product like toilet paper. Clearly, other companies are guilty of the same approach. But having a puppy fetishisticly obsess over minor butt pain? The first time I saw this ad, I had no idea what the commercial was for until it ended. After I found out what it was for, I had no idea what the puppy's mission had to do with the "be kind to your behind" message.

Then there's the dog himself. Why did we need to give a perfectly adorable puppy such a cloyingly tacky voiceover? I can't find the "Mute" button fast enough when this commercial comes on. If you want to show a puppy because he's cute and soft, like your toilet paper, fine with me. But, for cripe's sake, don't make him out to be some butt perv -- just mention that your product won't tear up my ass, and let's get on with our lives.