Bad ads at Ridgemont High

The Dr. Pepper Ten ad that briefly set the internet on fire last week - including this very blog - was roundly denounced as being sexist. But I don't think that everyone caught that the ad was, really, just as sexist against men as it was against women. Women, in fact, got off pretty easy - all they were told was that Dr. Pepper Ten was not "for" them. (Oh no!) Men, by comparison, were told that they were more or less obligated to like action movies, hate romantic comedies, and refuse to pick up any soda with "diet" in the name - or they simply were not real men.

Well, welcome to Ad World. As many ads as are sexist against women, there are just as many that negatively stereotype the hell out of men. For instance: men cannot cook! No, seriously, men cannot fucking cook. Men are romantically incompetent. Men are total douchebags. Men are slavering pigs who lose control at the sight of an attractive woman. Etc.

The irony, of course, is that while most commercials that are actively sexist against women are marketed towards men, most of the commercials that are actively sexist against men are ALSO marketed towards men. For proof, let's just look at the latest example of this phenomenon, from JC Penney:



I didn't look very closely, but it seems like there's some discussion in the YouTube comments over whether the ad objectifies women.

Yes. It does. I mean, of course it does. How could you even dispute this? In case you don't know, in the film from which the clip is taken, Fast Times at Ridgemont High - by the way, this film is nearly 30 years old, so way to stay relevant there, JC Penney - Phoebe Cates actually opens her bikini for a topless scene which is taking place in the imagination of the main male character, played by Judge Reinhold. For him, she is absolutely a lust object and little more. In the film, however, Reinhold gets his comeuppance when Cates walks in on him masturbating to this fantasy. Nothing like that happens in this ad, nor really could it. So, yes, it's obviously objectification, or at any rate the male viewer is invited to objectify Phoebe Cates.

But - and I'm sure you already guessed that I was going here - the ad is in many ways at least as offensive to men.

Kenny Mayne: "JC Penney understands that you don't like advertising for clothes."

I... I don't? I must admit, this is a new stereotype of men to my ears. Men hate advertising for clothes? They're just making stuff up now, aren't they? "JC Penney understands that you hate oak trees! I mean, fucking acorns, right?"

Mayne: "Who does?"

Honestly, who likes advertising of any kind? Why do you think people get so excited about DVRs and internet browsers with ad-block functions? But really, who thinks enough about advertising for clothes not to like it? There have been about 380 posts in this site's history and I think three of them talk about an ad for any kind of clothing.

Mayne: "Tell you what, though - if you look at these smart fashion choices from Van Heusen, we're gonna show you this. That way everybody wins."

Nine seconds into the spot and out comes the Fast Times footage. Here's the thing, guys: if the expectation is that men will be looking at the footage on the left, that means NO ONE IS LOOKING AT THE FOOTAGE ON THE RIGHT. You really can't focus on two things at once, and if it was true that men hated clothing ads, why would they even bother trying to look back and forth between them? And especially consider that Phoebe Cates is wearing a bright red bikini, whereas the clothes on the right are in fairly nondescript colors and the prices are in white text on a white background! You couldn't sufficiently check out the clothes offered in this ad if you wanted to.

So, sure, it's kind of a sexist ad. But maybe the real problem is not just that it's sexist but that it is so exquisitely committed to being sexist at the expense of even trying to sell the product. There are eight million ways you could make a commercial for men's clothing that featured a hot female sex object, and literally all 7,999,999 others would do less to completely distract the attention away from any and all information about the men's clothing that was ostensibly the point of the spot than this one does.

And that's really where you get into the area of "reverse sexism." Hey, men - you don't care about clothes, right? You'll probably just wear whatever your wife buys you or something. So, we're going to pretend we're running an ad for clothes you might wear - but we both know that's ridiculous. So check out these sweet tits! Don't get me wrong, I like that sort of thing as much as the next (straight) guy, but I know when I'm being pandered to. This ad isn't going to endear me to JC Penney and it does nothing to sell the product in question. And as it turns out, the only thing it was effective at was being quickly pulled from the airwaves due to complaints of sexism.

Mayne: "JC Penney: It is seriously hot in here."

"JC Penney: You are seriously dumb in here."

Could I be any worse of an ad?

I'll take "attacking things your competitors don't do" for $200, Alex.



Wife: "Hey, did you ever find tickets to Hawaii?"
Husband: "Hawaii Five-O! Book 'em, Dano! Aloha! Mele Kalikimaka! Surf lingo! Brah, I was stoked when I caught that tasty barrel!"

I mean, fine, I guess this is supposed to be hyperbole. But it's hyperbole so extreme that it just means nothing. Go to Google and type in "tickets to Hawaii," not that anyone would ever type in so vague a term when they specifically were looking for airline tickets. The first two results are Cheap Tickets and Orbitz, both of which will sell you plane tickets to Hawaii. In case you meant something else, you're also presented on the first page with other links where they sell tickets for University of Hawaii sporting events. Type in "plane tickets to Hawaii" and you get a bunch of sites that sell you plane tickets to Hawaii. I don't know how far you'd have to go in the results for "tickets to Hawaii" to find "Book 'em, Dano," but I'm guessing it's pretty far. Even if you're the kind of idiot who just types in "Hawaii," three of the first four results are tourism-related.

Wife: "Seriously, did you price out tickets?"
Husband: "How to beat a traffic ticket! Ten proven methods traffic courts don't want you to know!"
Wife: "What are you talking about?"
Husband: "Talk turkey!"
Wife: "What?"
Husband: "Talk live with hot singles in your area! They're waiting."
Wife: "Who's waiting?"
Slogan on screen: "What has search overload done to us?"

Uh... nothing? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with this commercial? Just for the hell of it, I also typed "tickets to Hawaii" into Yahoo and Ask.com and got similar results to Google - Yahoo even had all of their top results relating to flights. Then I typed it into Bing.com's engine, and got basically the same results (although fewer of theirs seemed to deal with flights, which is vaguely hilarious).

I realize that not everyone in the world is an internet expert; I'm old enough to remember a time without the internet, but young enough that it's been a major part of most of my life (and certainly my entire adult life). But COME ON. If you know enough to access the internet, I fail to see what Bing.com is doing for you that every other search engine can't. It's like they're trying to trick old people into thinking that this is how Google works. "Hey, boomers! Use Bing.com! Did you know that Google will vomit a stream of tangentially related non-sequiturs like a mental patient if you search using it? It's true! Uh, don't bother trying to verify that, it's just going to lull you into a false sense of security with a successful initial search..." Their use of the term "decision engine" only plays this up all the more. "Are you too old and computer illiterate to browse through a page of search results? We'll decide for you!" Never mind that I've used Bing a couple times now and fail to see where it's "deciding" any more than Google when it gives you... a page of search results. At least Google has the "I'm feeling lucky" button.

This ad is the rough equivalent of Burger King making an ad in which they claim that if you go into a McDonald's and order a hamburger, you'll get a bag of diseased muskrats. (Not that I'd put that past Crispin Porter + Bogusky.) It's also exactly as effective. Anyone who knows anything about the internet knows you're full of shit, Microsoft, and this commercial is enough to send me lunging for the remote every time.

I think you misunderstood the concept of "blogging"

Those of us who write or read blogs probably have some understanding of the ongoing friction between the main stream media, like newspapers (or TV commercials!), and new media, like blogging. If you're not familiar with it, here's a link to the funniest site on the web that illustrates this argument through the narrow lens of sports media criticism. Now I'm going to discuss blogs vs. MSM under the even narrower lens of advertising criticism. So, get excited! (Note: do not actually get excited.)

I haven't had much of a problem with these Twix "Need a moment?" commercials. They seem fine. But then the latest one hit the airwaves, and it made me wonder if maybe I was being kind of mercilessly pandered to:



Girl: (with attitude) Frankly I just feel like some politicians are completely out of touch with 99 percent of society.

Never has such a vague, obviously true statement had so much bluster behind it. Everyone knows that some politicians are out of touch.

Guy: Yeah... and it's like... the mainstream media's fault.

It's the MSM's fault that some politicians are out of touch? Doesn't follow. This is supposed to be like a bullshit answer on the guy's part, but then the girl agrees with him. Ba-whaa?

Girl: You said it! Finally someone who shares my struggle.

Guy: I know, right. Do you wanna go to my apartment?

Girl: What?

Guy: What?

Girl: What kind of girl do you think I am?

"Um, a super sexy one who gets really worked up over everything? What a turn-on!"

Anyway, then our hero chews it over with a Twix, which, by the way, is capable of momentarily stopping time.

Guy: I thought you were a believer. Someone who'd want to blog about our ideals.

Girl: Oh, blogging! I love blogging! (leaves with guy to go blog)

Sigh. That's not how it works. People don't go blogging together. It's not something you do with someone you just met, even in a commercial that's trying to be hip and young and "funny." This is a great example of the mainstream media being their old media selves. "What's going to get young Twix eaters excited? Oh, hey, how about blogs! Maybe they can all go blog together about Twix!"

No one really "loves" blogging. Loving blogging is kind of an absurd idea. It's like loving "typing" or "making copies of a memo" or "cranking a movable type printing press." Blogging is just one of many ways to get your thoughts and feelings heard. It's a communication technology medium. It's not like more fun than a party, or a good date activity, or foreplay or anything like that. Also, just because young people do it doesn't make it cool. Plenty of weird, uncool people blog, too.

Man, it's commercials like these that show how sad and old traditional advertising is starting to sound. Makes me fe --

Tag along with them at Twix.com

Hmm. Okay, I'll bite. I'm into potentially stupid online marketing components... (visits Twix.com...)

Okay, so basically it's like a choose-your-own-adventure story from when you were a kid. That is, if your choose-your-own-adventure-stories involved blatant stereotypes and an overall atmosphere of male chauvinism. So, you're on a date with that girl, and you have to get her home while avoiding a gay cockblocker named "Bruce" and a random Frenchman, "Francois," while all the while hiding your inner inadequacies as a partner. Also, every time you have to choose something you eat a Twix. What would you think if you were on a date and during the conversation your date ate four Twix bars while talking to you? Answer: You would return home and blog about how awesome Twix are. Right?

The final decision you have to make, and the one that will determine whether or not you get anywhere with this chick, is to either "Be honest" or "Keep up the charade." Guess which one of these "gets" you the girl? Hint: it's the same decision Twix made when they decided to develop this whole commercial.