Oh, what the FUCK, you guys.
Honestly, how much sillier would this commercial have to be before you would just think it was a spoof? Maybe five percent?
[Action film stuff is happening. Big tough army guy is running through the jungle.]
Tough Guy: "Hey, ladies. Enjoying the film? Of course not!"
Of course not! Women don't like action movies, or so goes the stereotype. And this commercial does nothing if not ridiculously pander to stereotypes.
Tough Guy: "Because this is our movie!"
Here we go again.
In a time where ABC's fall comedy lineup includes not one but TWO sitcoms premised entirely around the idea that the "male identity" is under some kind of confusing external threat, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised by ads like this. And yet I am, every single time. Because in the world I live in - rather than the one depicted in TV commercials - you can be a man and have no interest in muscle cars. You can be a woman and enjoy watching action movies. And, for fuck's sake, you can be a man and pick up a can of soda that says "Diet" on it without recoiling like it was an erect penis. (Because no homo, you guys, seriously.)
Tough Guy: "And Dr. Pepper Ten is our soda!"
No, I guess you can't. "Hey, I know Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper, but fuck THAT shit. Diets are for women."
Tough Guy: "It's only ten manly calories, but with all 23 flavors of Dr. Pepper."
Diet Dr. Pepper also has those flavors. It's a key part of your advertisements for that product. So the difference between men and women isn't taste - no, it's TEN CALORIES. High fructose corn syrup - which is the sugar component in Dr. Pepper Ten - is four calories a gram (as carbohydrates are). So the difference between the manliest soda alive and a diet drink that's just for GIRLS is a big two and a half grams of sugar.
Wait a second... two and a half grams... Two and a Half Men... are you guys thinking what I'm thinking here? Cross-promotion! The original manly men's sitcom (it's right in the theme song!) and the new manly men's soda.
Tough Guy: "It's what guys want!"
Yeah, aren't you always hanging out with your bros, and then one of them starts complaining that there's only Dr. Pepper and Diet Dr. Pepper in the cooler, and that as a MAN who is totally super MANLY but is ALSO concerned about his calorie intake, what he wants is the incredibly masculine taste of Dr. Pepper Ten? And then you pointed out that he was the one who brought the cooler full of nothing but Dr. Pepper in the first place, and that you all know that he's Dr. Pepper's brand manager and could he please just talk about something else for two goddamn minutes.
Tough Guy: "Like this!"
[throws can, springs trap on pursuing motorcyclists]
Tough Guy: "Catchphrase!"
By the way, Dr. Pepper, don't think it's not obvious how much of this ad was clearly ripped from those Old Spice commercials everyone liked.
Tough Guy: "So you can keep the romantic comedies and lady drinks. We're good."
Diet Dr. Pepper: lady drink. Do not ever purchase this product again, people with a Y chromosome, or Dr. Pepper executives will be waiting at the checkout to call you a fag.
Tough Guy: "Dr. Pepper Ten: It's not for women!"
Hear that, more than half of the US population? Don't even THINK about buying our product! We are marketing exclusively to tough guys who are worried about their weight and also totally insecure about their masculinity and who ALSO love Dr. Pepper and refuse to drink anything else. So to Steve Johnson of Seattle, Washington and Bill Smith of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania: there's finally a soda for you! Get to the store right now and pick up some Dr. Pepper Ten, before this ridiculously clumsy sales pitch ensures it vanishes from shelves forever!