"Raisin Bran Crunch? I hate Raisin Bran Crunch!"

I've said it before and I'll say it again - is the intelligent pitch for a product one in which two of your three spokespeople hate one aspect of the product and the third is a moron?



Obnoxious Loser #1: "You know what I just noticed? This box is really well designed!"

That'll get 'em running out to the stores, I'm sure. "Did you see that latest RBC ad?" (I understand that this is what all the kids call Raisin Bran Crunch.) "Yeah, man, I'm down with that design too! Let's score a couple boxes!"

OL1: "I mean, it totally communicates the raisin."
OL2: "It's designed to protect the granola clusters and the flakes. [shakes box] Hear that crunchy conga?"

I've already talked about this series of ads using language that no one in human history has ever used, nor would ever use. "Hear that crunchy conga?" isn't quite as appalling as "That's the money right there," but come on.

OL1: "Hmm, maybe you haven't heard it - 'two scoops of crun-'... no. Two scoops of raisins."

And, once again, the idea of these guys fighting over the good part of Raisin Bran Crunch just makes me sad. You are promoting a cereal that contains raisins and bran crunch. You're not a 20-year-old Miller Lite ad, which means there is no excuse for this "Tastes Great/Less Filling" style of debate. Especially since your guys aren't even arguing over the best thing about it, but more like the only good thing. Note how Obnoxious Loser #2 implies that the raisins - the first word in the cereal's name! - are little more than glorified packing peanuts. Now I'm ready for some fucking breakfast.

OL2: "The only reason the raisins are in there is like, to be little tiny shock absorbers for the flakes."

Did I say "implies" just now? Never mind. He actually just says it. Get me a bowl and some milk, Ma, and pour me a heapin' helping of Styrofoam Crisp!

OL3 [out of nowhere, as usual]: "Hey, it's got B12 in it! I didn't know that 'B4'!" [flashes idiotic goofy smile]

Raisin Bran Crunch is, in fact, fortified with 25% of your vitamin B12 requirement per serving. And now, I will send 500 bucks to anyone reading this blog who knows off the top of their head what benefits vitamin B12 provides, aside from serving as the setup to unfunny, non-sequitur puns.

That last line seems like it came out of the blue, but it served an important purpose in the commercial before the script was rewritten - namely, to help defuse the overwhelming tension between Obnoxious Losers 1 and 2 in the original script, which was a lot more vicious than in the finished, aired version.

OL1: "You know what I just noticed? This box is really well-designed!"
OL2: "Yeah, because the word 'Crunch' is in the biggest letters."
OL1: "Excuse me?"
OL2: "You heard me, you raisin-loving queer. We all know this cereal would be a thousand times better if it contained only flakes and granola clusters."
OL1: "I hate to break it to you, asshole, but raisins are the foundation of this cereal. And every time I bite into a granola cluster? It feels like a bird just shit right into my open mouth."
OL2: "I'd sooner be forced at gunpoint to drink a gallon of my own urine than eat one more fucking raisin!!!"
OL1: "EVERY TIME MY TONGUE TOUCHES A BRAN FLAKE IT FEELS LIKE SATAN HIMSELF IS DRIVING A CACTUS INTO MY EYE SOCKET WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER!!!!!!"
[OL2 lunges at OL1 and they begin to roll on the ground punching each other]
OL3: "Hey, it's got B12 in it! I didn't know that 'B4'!"

Two scoops of idiocy

I get the idea behind having wacky characters who say weird things in your commercials. Really, I do. If people laugh, maybe that helps them remember your brand; whatever gets people talking about a product is good. But for God's sake, do they have to be this stupid?



I mean, I guess there are things about this ad that are kind of funny. But there are way more that are incredibly annoying.

Tool #1: "I had this dream last night, there were no raisins. So I went to the store to buy Raisin Bran Crunch? Just Bran Crunch."
Tool #2: "Well, at least you still had the crunchy flakes and granola clusters. I mean, that's the money right there."
Tool #1: "Nightmare! No raisins!"
Tool #2: "As long as Mrs. Flake and Mr. Granola are coming to Crunch Town, it's a great time."

Okay. I realize that you want people to mention the attributes of your cereal and why they're enjoyable. This is the best you could do? Why don't people in commercials ever talk like actual people? "That's the money right there?" "It's a great time?" These sound like something that was shit out as a result of focus group over-testing, to say nothing of the fact that Mrs. Flake and Mr. Granola Are Coming to Crunch Town sounds like the title of some insane promotional children's story that Raisin Bran Crunch made up to sell more cereal.

Also, I'm pretty sure there are cereals out there that consist of crunchy flakes and granola clusters or at least very close facsimiles (Honey Bunches of Oats, anyone?). Why would you let one of the characters in your commercial suggest that your cereal has no need for one of its main constituents? "Man, Raisin Bran Crunch is pretty good. I sure wish it didn't have all these raisins, though."

Tool #3: "I had this dream where Sunny and I, we, uh, we went dancing at this club, we had a little [some noises that are apparently supposed to sound like the inside of a club]..."
[Tools #1 and #2 stare at Tool #3]

Ha ha ha! That guy has a homoerotic crush on the Raisin Bran mascot!

I like that when the guy says "Sunny," he has to point to the box and we have to cut to a closer shot so we can get a good look at Sunny himself. I know it's been a while since Raisin Bran actually made the sun the focus of their advertising, but did we need to go quite that far?

This ad epitomizes one of my biggest pet peeves, which is ads that have a character say something completely stupid or insane, and then other characters in the ad give him a "that was stupid or insane" look. You can't have it both ways. If you're going to create a character, and have him say something completely insane, you have to sort of run with that, not turn it into "Why would someone say something like that???" You told him to say it. You thought it would be funny. It's really not. If it's funny at all, it's only because it's not funny, and that just sucks. You couldn't have spent a little more money to get an actual joke in there?

Announcer: "There are plenty of reasons to love Kellogg's Raisin Bran Crunch. What's yours?"

Not the ads for it, that's for damn sure. Seriously - there are enough cereals out there that if you only like part of Raisin Bran Crunch, you can find another cereal that is just that part. "Bran Crunch" pretty much exists, albeit under a different name. This isn't some weird alternate universe where there's only one cereal, and dreams where parts of it are gone constitute a peek into a strange new world. There might be plenty of reasons to love Raisin Bran Crunch, but if you don't love all of them, you're probably not going to buy it. The implications behind this ad are completely counterproductive, Kellogg's. Try a little harder.