She aches just like a woman, but she breaks just like a GPS

Guys, you can stop wondering. The mystery of what women want has been solved... by Jared.



That's right: women want diamonds. All women. In fact, even GPS devices, which lack a gender aside from the sex of the person who recorded their canned audio tracks, want diamonds, provided you've got the female voice setting on. I guess if this guy had the male voice switched on it would have demanded he go out for brewskis and presented directions to the nearest bar. Because in ad world, every member of a group is exactly the same, even when that member is not even a person and therefore not even actually a member of the group in question.

GPS: "Navigation system activated. Oh, look - he went to Jared."
Guy: "Ex... cuse me?"

That is also the reaction I would have if my GPS started talking in sentient fashion. Fair enough so far... I guess.

GPS: "What's in the bag, Dave?"

How did the GPS know his name? (I know, it's a reference to 2001, please don't tell me how I missed the joke in the comments.) Come to think of it, how does the GPS know what Jared is? How is the GPS capable of "seeing" objects in the car? Also, we can see in the next shot that the GPS's perspective is aimed at Dave's face. How did it even see the bag?

I know, I know - these are trifling questions, really. But I can't stand commercials that refuse to stand on even the smallest shred of believability. If I can't trust the agency to have thought of obvious things in the plot - such as why, for even one second, it would matter whether or not a reindeer had a "map" - why should I buy into what they're selling? Isn't the whole point of most television commercials to present a short story that in some way indicates why I would want a product?

Dave: "A diamond necklace?"
GPS: "May I see it?"

Women! Right? Even when it's not really a woman! It's a piece of machinery, but it has a woman's voice, and therefore it has the craven desire for expensive jewelry of which all women are possessed!

Dave: "Uh, can I just get directions, please?"

Okay, where is this guy going that he even needs the GPS? He's buying a diamond necklace at Jared, at - according to the GPS's screen - 12:23 pm. He's wearing a shirt and tie, which means it's probably a weekday and he came from work. So... he probably has to go back to work! Does he really need directions to retrace the exact path he already took to get to the Jared in the first place? Also, if he had to ask directions to get to the Jared, shouldn't the GPS already have known where he was going?

GPS: "I'm sorry, Dave. I'm afraid I can't do that."
[doors lock]

Because GPS systems are wired directly into a car's power locks, too. Also, does the GPS realize it can be turned off via a button on the front? This isn't exactly Dave Bowman floating around in HAL's core here. On the bright side, if you're this dude, looks like you just found yourself a way to get your GPS to give it up.

Voiceover: "The Hearts Desire collection at Jared uses only ideal-cut diamonds, to best see the diamonds' true inner fire."

Um, what? This is some grade-A diamond-merchant bullshit, right here. "True inner fire?" I know, that's a technical diamond term... which the diamond people conjured up in an attempt to ascribe passion and emotion to a fucking piece of rock. I hate everything about this. It's light reflecting. Since when is that worth thousands of dollars? How about we just go outside and I'll spray the garden hose in the direction of a light source? It's real purty.

Also, Hearts Desire! Diamonds aren't just "a girl's best friend," they're her "heart's desire" - literally what she truly loves, wants and needs. She doesn't love you - she loves the expensive diamond jewelry your masculine earning power can provide! Even if "she" is a normally inanimate piece of machinery.

Dave: "Now can we go?"
GPS [with the necklace draped over it]: "Oh, Dave. You shouldn't have."

Later, the GPS gave Dave the best blow job he'd ever had. The end.

"You shouldn't have?" He didn't! That necklace isn't for you, GPS. (Good thing he bought a necklace, too, since most other common types of jewelry wouldn't fit on a GPS.) What am I supposed to come out of this ad thinking? That when I walk out of a Jared holding a bag I will instantly be mauled by every woman in the vicinity, each desperate to be the recipient of the shiny, shiny rocks I just purchased? Will empty cars, steered by female-voiced GPS systems, follow me through the parking lot? Because hey - if it looks or sounds female, it's a woman, and if it's a woman, it wants diamonds. And how do we know that? Because companies trying to sell diamonds keep telling us. Makes sense to me!

She'll pretty much have to

It's the holiday season, which means it must be time for an overload of the two types of commercials I hate possibly more than any others: luxury car ads where people walk into their driveway to find a Lexus with a bow on it, and ads for diamonds which suggest that literally the only way to appropriately express love for your girlfriend or wife is to shower her in expensive jewelry.



(There are far, far more egregious examples of bad diamond jewelry advertising, but I've been having a hard time finding them online, so this will have to do.)

I know that you always want a gift to be a surprise, but could this guy really not have found a better time to deliver this present than at a traffic light? This is a holiday ad - what's wrong with setting it in a living room like a normal person would? Or, you know, somewhere where the resulting show of affection wouldn't bother other people? Maybe I'm crazy.

Mercifully, this ad doesn't go anywhere near the all-too-frequent trope in diamond advertising of suggesting that anything less than an enormous rock is virtually cause for divorce. But it certainly does suggest that (a) there is no present better than a diamond of some sort (it doesn't even matter what! Engagement ring? Perfect! Necklace? Great! Odd-looking circle pendant? Whatever, it has diamonds on it!) and (b) diamonds = love. Remember, this is the industry that brainwashed a generation of television viewers into thinking that an engagement ring should cost two months' salary. Because nothing says "I love you" like "I just compromised our future financial security by spending 17% of my entire year's wages on this one ring," right?

Just look at slogans like "Every kiss begins with Kay." I mean, how fucking despicable is that? "If you want her to love you, or at least to show it, diamonds to the rescue!" Or the "He went to Jared" ads where men are shamed not for failing to buy diamonds but for failing to buy diamonds that are awesome enough for the status-hungry women they're dating or married to. Recently I've heard radio ads in which a woman tells her husband that if he's going to buy her a diamond, he'd better make sure he talks to an expert. Diamonds: When it's no longer the thought that counts! And of course let's not forget that even though "a diamond is forever," it should apparently be replaced with a newer, more expensive model every couple of years. Diamonds: When saying "I love you" isn't good enough, give her the shiny, costly gift she can brag to her friends about. Sickening.

Shopping Mall Cowboys

Your typical diamond commercial usually pressures men into buying jewelry for sexual benefit, best illustrated in cartoon form here. Zales' Valentine's Day spot from last year takes a different, more indirect approach:



Are these guys supposed to be men's men? Because that is the weakest, most delicate-sounding high five ever caught on tape. Consider this: these guys are high fiving each other because they saw the other one carrying a tiny black plastic bag. I guess the first guy was thinking, "Dude, that guy totally got his wife something at Zales, too! What should I do? Kiss him right on the face? Nah, a little too obvious. Maybe I'll give him just a vaguely homoerotic wave, then slap him some skin in front of a crowded mall for apparently no reason."

I also love when retailers make an ad that tries to sell just one particular product, in this case the relatively tacky Diamond Heart Pendant. Basically what this commercial is trying to say is:

"Have no idea what to get your lady friend for Valentine's Day? Want to spend a lot of money without having to think about stuff? Get something with a lot of shitty-quality diamonds that's shaped like a heart. Hearts mean you love her!"

I mean, yeah, it's diamonds, but it's $200 worth of diamonds. Who would buy something like that? A rugged, stubbly, high-fivin', mini-bag-carryin' manly man, that's who.

"Zales - Yee-haw."