Puns and Ammo (hey, meta-pun!)

What do you get when you mix the hilarity of predictable puns with the glitz of low-budget CGI? You end up with a sparkling gem like this (EDIT: The :60 disappeared, so here's the :30 that's not as egregious, but gives you a taste of how bad this commercial truly was.  Also, I know now that they used an actual bear on a greenscreen, not CGI.  Man, bears are weird looking.):



A grizzly bear walks into a Lowe's

Whoa, is anyone familiar with bear safety? What these folks need to be doing right now is crouching down, avoiding eye contact, and walking away slowly from this enormous wild animal. Grizzlies are the largest land predators on Earth. What the Lowe's people don't need to be doing is trying to sell this thing a grill.

Salesman (to bear): Hello, welcome to Lowe's. Grills? Grills are right over here.

No, you idiot! Get out your bear mace, play dead, and tell everyone else to walk calmly out of the store!

Salesman: Can you say "grilled salmon"? I can.

So now we've gone from selling a bear a grill to making stupid bear puns?

And let me put this out there -- how is it that a bear can walk into a Lowe's and instantly find a sales associate? Every time I've been to a Lowe's, there's like one guy out on the floor, and he's usually selling washers and dryers to somebody with a huge line queuing behind him.

Salesman: I think you're a big eater, am I wrong?

Please eat the salesman, bear. Please. Do us all a favor.

Salesman (imitating bear grunts): Ow.... ow..... outdoor furniture, right this way -- come on.

Oh, why didn't you just eat his face, bear...

I wonder if there is something that is professionally made that is clumsier and more retarded than this hack-tastic segue. And if there is, I don't know that I could even bring myself to blog about it. This is comedy at its most insipid and most demoralizing.

Salesman: Oh, you like this? Go ahead, sniff it.

Please get to the point. We're like 30 seconds into this and we just do not get the concept. What is the objective of putting the stupid bear in this ad?

Salesman: Is there a Mrs. Bear? Because we haven't talked about that. Couple cubs?

Are you hitting on the grizzly bear? Because that's what it sounds like. Is Lowe's a cover for a creepy bestiality ring or something?

I love the "we haven't talk about that" line. Spare me, Lowe's. You do not chummily converse with Lowe's sales associates (assuming you can find one) -- there's like one per store and you're lucky if you get 10 seconds to spit out your question.

Salesman (to bear who's looking at decking wood): Oh, I see you're looking at the Trex. Trex is the way to go. Yeah.

This is the only manufacturer plug in the commercial, and it's for a brand of wood. Do most people insist on trading up to name brand wood? Oh, and, hey sales guy -- any particular reason why Trex is the "way to go"? Remember, this isn't just an absurd 1-minute comedy about a bear buying shit at a store, it's also a commercial -- don't be afraid to sell me on something.

Voiceover: Time to come out of hibernation and head over for all your outdoor living needs.

Finally, we get to the point. It was just a man who was in hibernation! And he was dressed as a bear, or something. Or maybe he actually was a bear and then transformed into a human, like a weird Ovid poem. But, I generally get the idea. Finally.

Anyway, flimsy concept. What Lowe's was trying to say was, "It's Spring! Time to head to Lowe's to buy what you need to spruce up your outdoor space!" Instead, they went with, "It's Spring! You know what's funny? Bears! Here, we spent a bunch of money to poorly animate one walking through our store! Hope you like cornball puns!!"

Bear turned Man (to neighbor who is now a bear): How do you like your steak? (bear growls) Rawr? Oh, rare.

Oh man! Another pun! Everybody wins! That's almost as good as the "Ow...outdoor furniture" one! How do you guys come up with this stuff?!


So, you may not learn a single interesting thing about Lowe's or what they sell from this commercial, but I will give Lowe's this much: they really hit hard on the bear message. Their bear marketing sense is top-fucking-notch. That is a bear no one is soon to forget. What is it, I wonder, about a cheaply-animated bear that makes an ad so... incombearable?

Advertising from 40,000 feet

I've been doing some traveling recently, and I've spent a good amount of time bored on planes. Air travel brings out the best (e.g. Southwest "Wanna get away?" ads) and worst (e.g. entire SkyMall catalog) in advertising, so here is an example of one thing the airlines got right, and one thing that went horribly, horribly wrong.

This is a simple package of peanuts on the low cost carrier AirTran:



The front of the package says, "How to Eat Gourmet Pretzels on a Low-Fare Airline." Kind of an odd message on a bag of in-flight snacks, and it made me turn the package over to read the "Complete Details." I couldn't get a good photo or scan of the back of the package, so here's what it says:

EATING INSTRUCTIONS
1. Think about our wonderful low fares at airtran.com as you open packet.
2. Place a pretzel in mouth. With each crunch, be reminded of our low fares.
3. As you swallow, remember again just how low the fares are.
4. Repeat until pretzel packet is empty.
5. Keep empty packet to remind yourself to book at airtran.com for our lowest fares and no booking fees.

Pretty clever. I like the idea of giving pretzel-eating instructions. The copy is intentionally hard-hitting, but if you do take the time to read the packet, you are indeed reminded that AirTran is a low-cost airline. That's the whole point: getting one message (i.e. "Our flights are cheap at airtran.com") across to the consumer in a simple, direct way. It's free advertising, too -- AirTran is guaranteed that every one of its customers sees this pretzel package, and they made sure it carried their message. The light-hearted delivery even makes it enjoyable to read.

Now, for the bad. This is an ad in the in-flight magazine on the same AirTran flight:



Who doesn't want to place a slab of meat on something called the Big Green EGG? And if the idea of grilling up the family Fourth-of-July meal on an EGG appeals to you, I hope you like the color green. Because that's apparently what you're getting.

The supporting copy is hard to read on this photo, so here are some highlights:

What's Different About The EGG? Space-Age Ceramics Make It EGGstraordinary
Okay, you totally called it "Big Green EGG" just so you could use that "EGGstraordinary" bit. I have to give it up, that's a good one! I'm sold. May I also add that this Big Green EGG is made "EGGspecially for you"? Or that it grills "EGGceedingly well"? Incidentally, do puns in headlines ever sell products? EGGsactly.

Also, "Space-Age" ceramics? If anyone believes this, I've got a Space-Aged bridge to sell you.

Natural lump charcoal gives food terrific taste
What does this have to do with the EGG, exactly? Excuse me, EGGsactly? Natural lump charcoal is something you'd buy separately and put into this grill, or smoker, or whatever it is. This would be like an ad for a typewriter claiming that writing the great American novel would be terrific.

Double-wall high-tech ceramics make it durable and fuel efficient (sic on the lack of hyphenation)
There we go again with this new-fangled ceramics. Did an alien infuse the ceramic shell with invisible grilling rays? Is there a force-field around the EGG that reconstitutes the material if it falls over and breaks? This is ceramics we're talking about, not an iPhone.

Bakes better than a brick oven - pizza, bread, even dessert
"Honey, the steaks and scones are ready out here on the grill!"

Turkey, ribs, chicken, burgers, fish & veggies - the EGG does them all effortlessly
Ostrich, alpaca, turtle giblets, carrier pigeon, dolphin shanks & Dippin' Dots - the EGG does them all. Whatever "does" means.

Ahh, poorly-written ads just make in-flight magazines EGGstra special.