Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Dear Customers, You are retarded. Love, Wendy's

You're an idiot. Did you know that? You don't understand polysyllabic words or subtlety or anything outside of beef and beer. You're an undereducated, blue collar Joe Sixpack with just enough brains to navigate the local fast food drive-thru. Here, just check out this Wendy's commercial:

On-screen: "The reviews are in:", classical music plays in the background

Welder: Garlic sauteed portobello mushroom caress the taste buds.

On-screen: I love a good mushroom. - Rick, welder

See? This is why you're stupid. Because Wendy's has to translate things for you. You can't comprehend words like "sautee" or "portobello" or "caress" -- just one-, maybe two-syllable words is all your can wrap your tiny heads around. Especially if you're some shit-for-brains welder.

Security Guard: Punctuated by the boundless possibility of hickory-smoked bacon

On-screen: Bacon tastes good. - Stanley, parking security

Oh man, security guards are so stupid! Just like you. Doesn't the phrase "punctuated by the boundless possibility of" just sound awesome? Like Shakespeare wrote it or something? Don't you wish you could understand it? Ah, that's okay, Wendy's translated it again for you. "BACON=GOOD" -- can you at least grasp that? Maybe it would have been better if Wendy's had just shown a 30-second shot of sizzling bacon, then cut to a fat guy giving the camera a "thumbs up," then, boom, Wendy's logo. You know, in case you're completely illiterate.

Office Admin: Fresh beef is the canvas on which this hot and juicy masterpiece is painted.

On-screen: I like fresh beef. - Sonya, administrator

Hahaha. See, it's funny! Just the idea of a secretary being able to talk like that is hilarious. Of course, this woman isn't actually a secretary. She's an actress with two Rhodes Scholarship and eight Fields Medals. Wendy's paid her a lot of money to dress up like a stupid secretary and deliver that line of sheer fucking poetry.

Voiceover: There's a little gourmet in all of us.

Haha. This is another joke, actually. There's not really a gourmet in all of you. Wendy's just wants you to pretend like you have a brain because maybe that would make it easier to buy this burger. Anyway, stop being offended already, and get your fat, stupid ass down to your local Wendy's! Or, as you would say, "ME LIKEY BACON!" Haha. Moron!


stringer bell said...

I dislike this commercial, but part of it works: they actually mention the features of the product advertised. Sure, it's poorly done and borderline insulting, but it's clear they're trying to sell a hot beef sandwich with bacon and mushrooms. That's actually a rarity in commercials nowadays.

TRichter said...

Ah, my least favorite commercial currently running. It's not the less than subtle jab at the intelligence of the audience via the captions that annoys me; rather, it's the notion that the fancy-speak™ they churned out is supposed to be in any way representative of the speech patterns of a sophisticated, well-spoken individual. It comes across more like how you might hear someone try to speak well outside the bounds of their vocabulary and level of intelligence to impress an unfamiliar audience, or perhaps the product of a child that spent half an hour with a thesaurus. No one, not even the most pretentious literary critic, speaks like this.

Not to mention the security guard's line is a sentence fragment, and is totally illogical. What is punctuated by this purported "boundless possibility"? Presumably the burger, but who knows? And when did bacon, even the hickory smoked variety, suddenly represent unlimited potential? I like bacon as much as the next person, but I'm mostly concerned that it fulfills my criteria as a salty breakfast side, not with how I might, say, form several strips into a charming bacon-craft hat. I'm fairly certain bacon is relatively limited in terms of what might be accomplished with its combination of meat, fat and (in the case of Wendy's, surely) nitrates.

Quivering P. Landmass said...

Completely agreed. In trying to sound erudite, whoever wrote the ad just ends up writing a bunch of unconnected nonsense. Amateurs.

Patrick said...

Hey, I like this blog a lot, but I have to say, TRichter, you did an even better job of eviscerating this stupid commercial than they did. I could say your post was "punctuated by the boundless possibility of insight and wit", but I wouldn't want to sound like some kind of smarty-pants over here, lest I become the subject of a Wendy's commercial.