First you think of an idea that has already been done, then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like

You know what I like a lot? Cheese. I really, really enjoy cheese. Swiss, cheddar, parmesan, provolone... cheese is pretty awesome.

You know what I don't like? This presentation of it:



First of all, "Melt With You" was used in a Burger King commercial, like, ten years ago. Am I saying that it can never be used in another ad again? Well, the fact that I remember the BK ad means it was probably fairly memorable (although, granted, I co-write this blog so I probably remember ads longer than most people). So yes. Yes, I am saying that.

More importantly, is it me or is this commercial really kind of disgusting? I just can't see those people stretching that cheese to hideous lengths without thinking of some sort of mucus is being pulled out of their mouths. Honestly, I can't even watch this thing anymore. And what kind of name is "Cheesy Beefy Melt"? Did the CEO's five-year-old daughter come up with that one? "Cheesy" is one thing. "Beefy" is not an adjective I have ever heard applied to food, except in those old Beefaroni commercials that annoyed me even as a kid. "Beefy" is used to describe heavyset guys, not food I'm planning on consuming. This is probably top five worst names for a fast food item ever.

Also, I think the whole "cautionary fine print" craze is going a bit too far when we need a "Professional skateboarders! Do not attempt!" warning for a shot that simply has skateboarders in it. As pointed out in the YouTube comments for the video, what exactly is anyone in that shot doing? Going down a couple steps, and while wearing appropriate safety gear? Oh NO! You would have to be crazy to try a stunt like that! By the way, I didn't even notice there was any skateboarding in that shot until the comments mentioned it. But I appreciate how zealous the Taco Bell lawyers are, inserting that text just in case some kid is watching the backgrounds of commercials looking for unsafe things to attempt. I get the feeling eating a couple Cheesy Beefy Melts is way more problematic for your body than falling off a skateboard while wearing a helmet and kneepads.

Is there a doctor in the pancake house?

The International House of Pancakes, not known for epic storytelling in their advertising, has disgorged a shockingly complex :15 spot. It's a tale of suspense, disappointment, elation, sumptuous climax, and denouement with a surprising medical twist. Take a look:



Setting: A doctor's waiting room.

Well, I'm hungry. Big beige room, dull, forgettable corporate art on the walls, medical journals strewn about, graphic anatomy posters. Man, you know what sounds good right now? French toast and a side of hash browns.

Nurse: Desmond!

Desmond and People in Waiting Room: (hold up forks)

It's like Paula Deen guest-directed an episode of ER. Obviously, this scene is unspeakably stupid. But the strangest thing to me is, why does everyone get excited when the nurse calls out Desmond's name? They're all hoping the nurse confuses them with Desmond?

Nurse: - the doctor will see you now.

Ahh, okay. The pancake doctor. Making more sense now.

Announcer: It's Fruit Crepe Fever.

People suffering from fruit crepe fever have come to the IHOP Clinic to see the waffle doctor. That is the concept of this commercial. Read it one more time. That is the motherhumping concept of this commercial. Think of all the people who had to see this ad before it saw air time -- ad agency people, IHOP people, film production people, actors, actresses, Desmond, media buying people, lawyers, general pancake practitioners. No one, not even a quality control person, said "Wait a second, this commercial is like Luis Bunuel-absurd" or "This makes me embarrassed to be alive" or "People will sue IHOP when their eyes fall out after watching this."

NOTE: For purposes of this close-reading of IHOP's ad, I'm ignoring the mispronunciation of "crepe." CRAPE is, sadly, the accepted Americanized way to pronounce "crepe," as seen, for instance, in the GE Cafe Range "webisode," so I'm not going to bother harping on it.

Announcer: Sweet cream cheese, luscious fruit and delectable crepes

It bothers me when ads editorialize like this, especially food ads. Why can't you say "Cream cheese, fruit and golden crepes" or something less salesman-like? The audience can ascertain that the fruit is luscious and the crepes delectable from your presentation of them in the video. Just be sensible, and let your viewers think for themselves for a while...

Aw, fuck it --

"Jaw-droppingly delicious, extra-thick creamy cream cheese, tongue-strokingly flavorful, mouth-gushing, ambrosia-like fruit, all wrapped up in a bacchanalian, syrup-drunk, tooth-ramming crepe orgy."

Announcer: Served with all your favorites, only at IHOP. (Desmond's temperature is checked by the IHOP waitress/doctor and nurse.)

So this man's medical treatment by the aforementioned "doctor" is a pile of fruit and cream cheese crepes, a breakfast plate of hash browns, eggs, and three kinds of meat (bacon, ham and sausage), a pot of coffee, a jug of OJ, and a pitcher of water, presumably all to himself. Doesn't it go beyond just stupid to downright wrong to even suggest that a trip to IHOP might be medically beneficial? I probably don't need to convince you that that meal is a coronary, and that's a good thing -- because I have no nutritional info. For some reason, fast food companies are required to post things like fat, calories and the like for all of their products, but a company that claims it serves 700 million pancakes a year gets a free nutritional pass. Here I quote from ihop.com:

» Is nutritional information available?

IHOP offers a wide variety of food that should allow most people to choose a meal that suits their dietary needs. We do not maintain nutritional data on our food.

That is not right.

From what I can gather on other diet sites, one 2oz crepe, with no butter, syrup, sweet cream chesse or luscious fruit is 120 calories and 6 grams of fat. Now add in the other ingredients. Now multiply it by three. Now combine that with all the other food and drink they showed on Desmond's table. Now vomit.

There exist people out there in America who lack the resources to know how bad that meal is for them, because IHOP won't tell anyone. Because they do not maintain nutritional data on their food.

"Dear Acme Poison Co., is safety information available?"

"Acme Poison Co. offers a wide variety of poison that should allow most people to choose a poison that suits their safety needs. We do not maintain safety data on our poison."

Announcer: Come hungry, leave happy.

And remember, folks: a cream-filled pancake drenched-in-sugar a day keeps the doctor away!

One word.

[We finally found the ad online, so I've edited it into the post. It's only the longer, "Shyeah"-less version, sadly. - W.E.M.]



This commercial for the new Taco Bell Chili Cheese Nachos BellGrande that would have been otherwise unremarkable has one word that made me completely tune out. See if you can spot it.

Big Brother: It's time to teach you the rules.

Little Brother: Rules?

Big Brother: Shyeah! Always, ALWAYS get chili on your Nachos BellGrande.

Just embarrassing. Must be why they overdubbed it in the longer version of the commercial. But wait, here's the alternate dialogue:

Big Brother: (unnaturally high pitched) Yeah! (then, in a normal voice) One: Real men don't own lap dogs. Two: Never date girls with dragon tattoos. C: And this is the biggie- Always, ALWAYS get chili on your Nachos BellGrande.

If this was a bid for "relevance," F--. If this was a bid for "retro nostalgia" (for both Wayne's World and the doofus older brother in Home Alone, I guess) F---.

Get spyware! Get spyware! Get spyware! Get spyware!

You know, I'd really like to get a cartoon picture of myself that can represent me online while looking nothing like me at all. Where could I get such a thing?



Sweet! I can make it look nothing like me! Leather pants, "bling" (oh, Zwinky, you're so cool), maybe some red hair? Gosh, I can "be anyone!" In some stupid cartoon avatar. That I should apparently spend all day fucking around with.

Fake Online Avatar Guy 1: "Are the girls ready yet?"
Fake Online Avatar Guy 2: "Nah, they're gettin' zwinky with it."

"Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" was released ten years ago. We're well past the point where you can reference it, even in oblique fashion as here, and have any credibility whatsoever. (That was approximately three weeks after the song hit MTV.) And this ad wants to be cool, so what were they thinking? I guess a world in which "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" is still a hip reference is the same world where women hang out in their rooms changing the clothing on their virtual selves rather than go out with their boyfriends. And where those boyfriends are actually willing to tolerate such ridiculous behavior, rather than immediately going out to find smarter girlfriends.

Song: "Zwinkies are free and fun and hot!"

Well, they're certainly free. Sort of. What does that fine print say?

Fine Print: "Zwinky is free with download of toolbar."

Well, well, well. The catch. What toolbar is that? Oh, the MySearchWeb toolbar. Well, I'm sure there's nothing sinister about this at all. There's no way there could be anything money-making involved. I mean, this stuff is usually all philanthropic.

Oh, it isn't? Huh. That is shocking. I am shocked.

At best Zwinky runs ads on your computer. Even its backers will admit that. At worst it's spyware, tricking you into installing it by offering a "product" for nothing, and then sending data about your web habits back to its corporate masters. How do you think these guys afford ad space?

Spyware is bad enough when it sneaks itself onto your computer. But when it tricks you into installing it by making you think you're getting something cool out of the deal? That's just offensive. Frankly, I don't know why they allow these guys to buy ad space. Would you let some dude buy an ad for his pyramid scheme? "Hey folks, I'm Crazy Carl, and if you want to be rich, send a dollar to me and then buy one of these ads! Tell your friends - I'm on Channel 37 every morning at 4:30!"

This Commercial Contains No Arsenic

When the only thing you have to say about your product is what is doesn't contain, you have a marketing problem:



Scene: (Guys singing a drinking song in squeaky high-pitched voices and swilling fictional "Beck's with Helium.")

Voiceover: We could have put strange things in our beer, but we didn't.

High-pitched voices are hilarious to people over the age of 21, no question about that. But this is an interesting concept; the idea of stuff your product doesn't have. Why haven't other companies used this in their commercials?

Apple: We could have put minced garlic inside our iPod Nanos, but we didn't.

Ford: We could have made our pick-ups out of styrofoam, but we didn't.

Coca-Cola: We could have called our cola "Pepsi," but we didn't.

GE: We could have made watchable commercials, but we didn't.

Voiceover: Beck's -- choosing to use only 4 all-natural ingredients for over 125 years.

Nice. It's a good thing they put this in their ad, because Beck's is the only do-gooder who uses natural ingredients. Hey Budweiser! PWNED! Beck's is on to your little game and all that chemical waste you pump into your beers! You hillbillies probably use something disgusting like, uh, chicken hearts or something in your beer! Nasty, dude, just nas - wait, I'm being told there's not actually any chicken hearts, or for that matter, any artificial ingredients involved in Budweiser. Well, try doing it for 125 years, assholes!.... oooohhhh, shit... It's apparently been 131.

Well, how about fellow European brewer Heineken? What's in your beer, you big fakers. You nerdy Dutch chemists with your genetically-modified tulips and your -- oh, wait, what? You're using water, malted barley, hops and yeast to brew your beer? Well, whatever, Beck's only uses FOUR, dude! Four ingredi - oh wait, that is only four ingredients....

I wonder how the Beer Drinker demographic crosses over into the All-Natural Foods demographic, anyway.


The lesson here is not to advertise your product by what it isn't. The title of this post refers to an old adage from Ye Olde Ad Man David Ogilvy that you should avoid using negatives in your ads (his book used to be obligatory reading material in college marketing classes.) The danger is that the consumer could miss the negative altogether -- in Ogilvy's example, if you're a salt company and your headline is "Our salt contains no arsenic," people perusing a magazine or flipping through channels could read it as "This salt contains arsenic." And in Ogilvy's time, you got a lot more of the consumer's attention, because there was a lot less advertising out there.

Just think about what you're competing with now -- talking about what your product isn't will confuse people when you've only got a tiny fraction of their attention. Best case scenario, your consumers will get a little laugh. Worst case, your audience will think you're selling something you're not.

Now why can't I find that new Beck's with Helium at the liquor store...

Spot the hidden message!

The message of any given deodorant ad is "This product will get you laid." See if you can spot the subtle ways in which Old Spice has chosen to deliver this information:



Woman: "I waited too long to try an Old Spice man."

(Sexually.)

Woman: "The Old Spice man performs great."

(Sexually.)

Woman: "Plus he's really long-lasting."

(Sexually.)

What's with the horse in this ad? The guy appears to be checking it out while the woman is talking. And then there's that uncomfortable neighing at the end. Was Mr. Hands an Old Spice man, too?

Rich Hall must be rolling around in his grave

Hey, remember Sniglets? You know, "words that should be in the dictionary, but aren't?" I can't tell if Comcast is hoping you do or hoping you don't:



Oh man, Comcast. Let me see if I can identify all the reasons this commercial is absolutely retarded:

1) It fails to get to the point for the first 23 seconds of a 30 second ad. Instead, we get treated to a discussion of "cankles" - also a Sniglet of sorts! - and a guy looking annoyed because, you know, women and the way they talk on the phone to other women right when something manly like a big movie explosion is about to happen.

2) It becomes approximately the 45,372,986th ad in history to use a ludicrously broad stereotype of one sex or the other for laughs. (I'm sorry, "laffs.")

3) It suggests that the ability to use a TV and phone at the same time is somehow a feature that is only made possible by Comcast service. Here are some other things besides the Comcast Triple Play that I'm pretty sure will get the "entertainment + communication" job done, however:

* DVD player, cell phone
* VCR, rotary phone
* Betamax, tin cans with a string between them
* Zoopraxiscope, Aldis lamp

Those wacky females! Always tapping away on the telegraph while I'm attempting to watch the latest Edison short! Worse still, the pause button won't be invented for nearly a century! I'm never going to find out whether the moon gets that rocket out of its face or not.

4) The ad was clearly written by someone with a minimal grasp of the rules of English. Let's take a look at what's on that definition screen:

Phoruption (phor•up•shen) v.
1. Pausing an On Demand movie to take a phone call.

The only problem One of the many problems, but the most glaring when it comes to the fact that the entire commercial is building itself around this faux dictionary definition, is that "phoruption," if it were a real word, would not be a verb. The obvious basis for this is the word "interruption," which, in case you didn't pass third grade, is a fucking noun. Then, of course, the definition is worded as if for a verb. Would it have been that hard to make this "phorupting" instead? What about this was difficult? Don't college graduates work in advertising?

Oddly, this may be the least obnoxious ad of the three I've seen in this campaign, if only because they don't try to actually have the actors work the fake word into conversation as though it were some interesting new bit of slang.



Haw haw! We crammed the three products we offer into one awkward word that's so long and clunky no one would ever, ever use it in real life! We're geniuses! Note that in this ad, they don't even list a part of speech, like they couldn't figure out what it was supposed to be and were unwilling to risk a wrong guess. Maybe the slightly smarter people at the agency worked on that one.

Please also note the Youtube username that posted these clips: "comcastslanguage." These aren't just goofy one-offs. They would seriously love it if people started using these fake, stupid-sounding, unfunny and unnecessary words to describe the wholly mundane activities in which they can partake due to - unusually! - having a television, computer, and phone in their house. Maybe we should coin a new word to describe such awkward attempts at hipness. I'd say it's a tossup between "lamebarrassing" and "stupathetarded."

Barista not included

Commercials for appliances tend to suck. Perhaps it's because you're glorifying something that most people don't want to have to think about, or maybe the technical jargon makes them sound stilted and dull. Whatever the reason, General Electric's latest offering is just another foul addition pinched into the toilet of major appliance marketing.

Here is a national TV spot for their new Cafe line. Oh, "Cafe"! Sophisticated.....



You know what the first thing is that I look for when I enter a cafe? The kind of appliances they have. It just makes sense. Do you want the milk for your skim latte to come out of a 30 year-old Magic Chef refrigerator? I think not. Appliances are key components of cafes, and they're the number one thing everyone notices each and every time we go into our neighborhood coffee shop.

Man: (resigned) It's your turn.

Totally unoriginal opening and a cheap dramatic device that only serves to tell the audience that a recurring event is about to take place. Off to a good start.

Woman: (to a huge group of people in her kitchen) I don't know who you people are, but it's 12:30.

Come on, people. 12:30? And you're using the appliances in my kitchen as though this were some kind of bistro or coffee shop or, I dunno, cafe? That's insane. Breaking into my home and staying until 11:00? Fine. 11:30, I can understand. 12:00, you're pushing it a little. And 12:30, well, that's just rude.

Voiceover: The new Cafe line of appliances from GE. Bring the warm feeling of an authentic cafe into your own home.

Was this line written for a different commercial? The whole premise of this commercial is that you don't want a cafe in your own home, however authentic it is. That woman was not "warmed," she was pissed off, and as well she should be, that a crowd of people were running a freaking cafe in her kitchen.

Also, the warm feeling that people get when they're in a cafe? That doesn't come from the appliances! In fact, I've never noticed an appliance at any point during any visit to a cafe.

Woman: (to musician) Show's over, let's go.

See, it's funny because he's got a harmonica. Right? This is the part where we laugh!


Okay, so they're stretching big time with the "Cafe" name, and the commercial is unforgivably stupid and confused. At least it ends there. At least they didn't go out and shoot some uber-fake attempts at "viral" marketing. At least they didn't pretend that people stand around and gas on about the awesome features of their applia -- oh wait, there's more from GE on YouTube? Oh, God....



Lunch time on the set of the new GE Cafe Range commercial...

Just a casual lunch time scene. Everyone's just riffin', talking like normal people. No scripts anywhere to be found. You know -- chillaxin'. Making some good old home cookin' on these bitchin' new appliances from a little up-and-coming company called General Electric. Never heard of them? Not surprised. They're pretty avant-garde. Kind of a fringe company, a David among Goliaths, the little multi-multi-billion dollar, Dow Jones Industrial Average-component corporation that could.

Man (or, Kevin, apparently): Whatcha cooking?
Woman (Melissa, I guess): This is the GE Cafe Range.

Did not answer his question. Instead, started talking about the product they just shot the commercial for.

"Melissa": Five burners. The middle one has this griddle where you can make like really cool stuff like crepes almondine.

Dude, you know, like cool stuff like EFFETE GOURMET DISH X. Or you can, like, rock the oven with some super fun recipes like PASTRY CHEF DESSERT Z.

"Melissa": And the lower oven is just about, I think like, bigger than a cubic foot?

Oh my God, she's right! How could she have known that so precisely? "Oh, the Power Boil burner? I dunno, maybe it has, like, maybe, just like, around 18,000 BTU and 140 degree simmer? Silly goose! (giggles)"

But seriously, "apricot quail"? Come off it, GE. This is some seriously fake shit. This is not selling anybody on anything.


To sum up, what we have here is a poorly-conceived commercial that barely even shows the appliances GE is selling, paired with some viral marketing that would make infomercial directors blush. And altogether it only cost like, probably, $10 million. Brilliant.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some leftover foie gras roulades with fig compote to put back into my new bottom-mount, double-door Frigidaire stainless steel refrigerator. What? It's a just a late night snack that I make all the time. Big deal.

A man in the kitchen? What is this, Opposite Day?

Watch enough family-oriented fast food commercials and the endlessly repetitive world of advertising will drill two things into your head: men can't cook, and they'll always cover this up by ordering fast food.



Older daughter: "Dad's making dinner?"
Younger daughter: [scoffs disgustedly]

Dad's making dinner? Oh no. Sweet merciful crap. God, why have you forsaken us? You see, our father is a staggering incompetent, incapable of even the most rudimentary culinary achievements, such as boiling water. Men, huh? Am I right, ladies?

Wife: "Oh, it'll be fine! Maybe."

Say, question: if the entire rest of the family has such little confidence in Dad's cooking skills, why do they leave him in charge of it?

Kids: "Yes! No way! Wow!" etc.

No way? No way??? "Holy shit, this is unbelievable! Pizza, here in our house! I thought a feast of such staggering proportions - not one but two pizzas, breadsticks, two liters of soda - was available only to the richest Americans, but now I discover that our family can also live the life of Riley! Thanks, Dad! Thanks, Pizza Hut!"

Husband: "Who's the man?"

Let me just check "use of severely dated catchphrase that has moved into unironic use by middle-aged white men and therefore should immediately be retired" off my list of Ten Trademark Signs You're Watching a Shitty Commercial.

Wife: "I love you!"

Wait until you see the four false starts at meatloaf he left in the kitchen for you to clean up. Because men can't cook! Wa ha ha! They earn their wives' love by having pizza delivered!

Announcer: "Pizza Hut's Family Value Meal is easy!"

"Forget the significantly healthier meal you could put together at half the price! Call now and we'll throw in a couple Doughy Fat-Starch Balls for just $1.99!"

Dad: "Who says I can't cook?"

A host of lazy, hackneyed, unfunny ads like this one.

Wait, what's down there in that tiny print?

Fine print in commercials is usually pretty useless. "Do not attempt at home." "Professional driver on closed course." Pretty standard stuff, which I imagine most people glaze over at this point. Maybe that's why GlaxoSmithKline thought they could sneak this one through.

That Veramyst sounds like a great product. It's going to relieve my allergies. I'm just a layman, so I don't know exactly how it's doing that, but I mean, surely the sophisticated scientists at GlaxoSmithKline know what they're doing.

Wait. What did that fine print say? Down there at the bottom?

Hmm. That seems pretty standard. I don't think that was what I saw... keep going...

No, that's a pretty standard disclaimer. I'm just not sure what...

Wait! Freeze it right there!

What? Seriously, what the fuck kind of disclaimer is that? You have no idea how it alleviates allergies, it just does? That's supposed to be good enough? I don't even understand how this got approved by the FDA. Do you just go in there, tell them you've come up with this new drug that cures cancer by harnessing the magic of unicorns and pixies, and boom, overnight millionaire? Because if so, I think tomorrow I'm going to be "developing some miraculous new medicines," if you know what I'm saying.*

The best part about this commercial is that they had to put this fine print up because the announcer actually is telling you how Veramyst is purported to work. He claims, "Veramyst is the kind of medicine that works on a whole range of chemicals that lead to your allergy symptoms." Note the ridiculously vague language there, of course. The kind of medicine? A whole range of chemicals? I can hardly wait for the scandal caused when ten people die and it turns out that due to insufficient funds, the clinical trial was actually conducted in a high school chem class. Not the AP or honors classes, either. Level three.

*putting Tic Tacs into prescription bottles labeled "fixaidsia"