Sky Captain and the Mall of Tomorrow, Part II

I had too much stuff to fit into one post. Here's the second one.



"Mary, no! You had so much to live for! Oh, she's not dead, she's just relieving back pain in the most awkward, glassy-eyed way possible." With that kind of facial expression, are we sure this is helping her back pain?



Remember when you got married, and the entire wedding party was crushed by a runaway train? Relive the moment forever with Fucking Weird Photo Paintings™!

I love the bubble in the top right corner - "Makes a thoughtful anniversary gift!" If you had to tell the guy (it's always the guy) to buy it, no, it's not a thoughtful anniversary gift. Can't you just picture someone frantically flipping through SkyMall at 11:59 PM the night before his anniversary? "Come on, come on! Oh, Fucking Weird Photo Paintings™! That's so true, this would be thoughtful of me!"



If you actually hang this on the wall in your house, it's going to be "No sex for you," too.

(Seriously, no one is actually this big of a Seinfeld fan, right? Or is there just one guy who has a whole wall of autographed pictures of Seinfeld bit characters? "This is so great! I'm putting the Soup Nazi right between the Bubble Boy's 'It's Moors, you idiot!' picture and the picture of the Fusilli Jerry autographed by Jerry Stiller! This is so much better than having a girlfriend!")



Man, calm the fuck down. Can you imagine spending 200 dollars on a baseball autographed by someone with three career wins? Also, even when he was a reliever - when this copy was written, I assume - "Joba Time" never meant the end for the opposing team because he was a setup guy, not a closer (that job being held by Mariano Rivera). Maybe I'm biased, since I hate the Yankees, but come on - he has 42 career appearances. Isn't there some Little Leaguer somewhere that I can get a framed photo of?



This is the nerdiest fucking thing I have seen in my life. And I like geography. But this is barely a rung above buying one of those AT&T shirts, and then only because you're not paying a company to tacitly advertise for them.

Shirt-Wearer: Hi, everyone!
Friend: Uh, Bill, what the hell are you wearing?
Shirt-Wearer: Heh, yeah, pretty cool, huh? "Oh, check out my latitude!" Heh.
Friend: I'm sorry, are you my grandmother? I can't think of anyone else in the world who would wear that.
Shirt-Wearer: But it's like, my zip code... I'm, um, representing...
Friend: Okay, you know what? You are hereby uninvited from my bachelor party, as of right now.
Shirt-Wearer: Wait, dude, wait. Okay. If the stripper thinks it's cute, I get to stay.
Friend: Get out.



Finally, a couple bits of stupidity from Rosetta Stone, the language software. I just love how awkwardly that box is Photoshopped in there. Could it be any more obvious that he's not really holding it? Also, where is he supposed to be meeting this supermodel? Is he going to leave the farm, travel to Rome, and then stalk her? Or is her car going to "conveniently" break down in front of his farm, thanks to his payoffs to the guy at the toll booth who gave her directions and the guy at the filling station who let just enough air out of her tires? Next year we're going to see this exact same ad, except "Italian" will be replaced with "French," and this kid's shirt will, if you look closely, be made of human skin.



Nothing too horrible here, but I love the way they punctuated Phelps' endorsement, which makes it look like he was tricked into giving it.

Reporter: Michael, I understand you wanted to learn Chinese for the 2008 Beijing Olympics.
Phelps: That's right, and I discovered a way to learn Chinese in record time!
Reporter: And how was that?
Phelps: Well, I hired a private tutor, and she worked with me five days a week, and I worked really hard at my lessons.
PR Guy Posing as a Reporter: Uh, Michael, I understand you're an amateur historian. Can you tell us how the French scholar Jean-François Champollion was able to crack the code of Egyptian hieroglyphics?
Phelps: Uh, well, thanks to the Rosetta Stone, he could see that -
PR Guy: [clicks off tape recorder] Got it.

Sky Captain and the Mall of Tomorrow

SkyMall: the perfect catalog for lazy and/or tacky people with huge amounts of disposable income. Let's make fun of it yet again, shall we?



This is - absolutely without question - the ugliest fucking thing I have ever seen in my life. The ugliest watch, anyway. "Most unique?" Unique in how terrible it is, sure. Polymer clay beads with faces painted on? Who the fuck thought of this? This is like the sort of thing where your kid makes you a horrible clay bead bracelet in art class and brings it home for you to wear. And you go, "Oh, sweetie, it's wonderful!" And then you wear it in front of them once, and then you hide it in a drawer for the rest of eternity. Because it's fucking horrible. And now they want you to pay $59 for it. This might be the biggest insult to the intelligence ever to appear in SkyMall.



"Five simple rules for living." And the first one is: "Live." If it went on to be like, "Breathe," "Eat," and "Drink Enough Water," maybe I'd buy it. Also, the fifth rule is: "Life." What the hell? First of all, that's not a verb; second of all, even if it were, it implies the same thing as "Live." I almost feel like this wasn't supposed to be five rules and the copywriter just fucked it up. Either way, I can't imagine that anyone who actually needed to be reminded of these little truisms would ever hang this kitschy piece of shit in their house at all, much less for $120.



Learn how to play the guitar... by not learning how to play the guitar. I'm not one of those guys who gets all whiny about "Guitar Hero" and complains that if you're going to spend all that time you should learn how to play a real guitar. But you know what? If you're going to spend all that time with a real guitar, maybe you should learn how to play it. Instead, this turns a real guitar into "Guitar Hero," except without the benefit of having thousands of screaming CGI fans. Who are you going to impress with this? If there was someone walking around at a party with this thing, I'd give them "just one finger." See if you can guess which.



Even more unabashed laziness. "Too tired to shake a glass back and forth? Do we have the product for you!" If you're not capable of shaking your own martini, you probably shouldn't be drinking one.



"It's D.I.Y. for D.U.I.?" I don't think those are quite the abbreviations you wanted. "Help yourself drive drunk using this classy device, which merely tells you if you're likely to be arrested if pulled over!" It's worth noting that there's probably very little difference between a "legal" BAC of, say, .072, and the United States limit of .08 when it comes to slowed reactions behind the wheel. So I can't say I'm really okay with this thing giving you a sanction to drive under the influence. Oh, but it says at the bottom: "Remember: Never drink and drive." Of course! Because there are... other reasons I would need to know my BAC? "Just curious, man, you know."

I also love that the device records up to 0.40, which in addition to being five times the legal limit is considered to be the median lethal dose for alcohol. If that number is appearing on the screen, there's almost no chance you're going to be able to read it; you probably wouldn't even have been able to blow into the device without passing out.



Yes, help keep your bags from being stolen by making them too embarrassing for anyone else to take!

Airport Guard: Sir, is that your bag?
Man: Of course.
Airport Guard: The one that says "Who are you calling an old bag?" on the side?
Man: Oh. Oh FUCK. No. That is not my bag.
Airport Guard: You just said...
Man: I was trying to steal it, okay? Look, just arrest me. I'd rather go to jail than have you think I bought and used that piece of shit.

Just a very brief note to say...

You're next, SkyMall.

The only sad part will be the loss of printed ads to mock.

Advertising from 40,000 feet, Part the Funf

Here's what gets me about SkyMall product descriptions: no matter how insane or useless something is, the writers are unwaveringly earnest. They have zero sense of humor - they just try to sell, sell, sell.

So, who's the bigger fool, the one who writes stupid copy for SkyMall, or the one who snarkily blogs about them? I guess you can decide for yourself.

***

Here's a new one for those of you who enjoy the lack of self-respect that comes with wearing a muumuu, but wish there were something that kept you a little warmer....

Yes, someone has created a product called a "Slanket." Before anyone gets any ideas, that name is already trademarked. Apparently the Slanket people have chosen for their model the nerdiest man on the planet, and they pictured him hanging out completely alone, possibly talking to himself, at what appears to be Fenway Park. I know they're illustrating the "outdoor use," but can you see someone wearing that in front of tens of thousands of people?

Also, when you give your product a name like "Slanket," I think you cannot reasonably expect consumers to order it in colors like "Blue Limoges," "Moss Green," or "Pink Lavender." Those are a little haughty even for Martha Stewart.

***

I like candy, but sometimes I really want to feel like I've earned it....

Everybody Loves The Arcade "Claw" Machine!

Oh, yeah. Everybody loved that thing. That's what the kids were lining up for at Chuck E. Cheese. Wasting quarter after quarter not winning prizes? That was so much more fun than, like, actual video games that lasted more than five seconds.

Maneuver the claw to grab a treat and move it to the chute before the music stops!

It sounds like so much fun! I love games where I maneuver claws and drop things down chutes under a time limit.

Teachers and parents love to use it to reward a job well done.

Or, if The Sweet Machine is anything like actual arcade claw machines, NOT reward a job well done.

Simply the best gift idea ever!

Simply the most comically absurd overstatement from SkyMall ever!

***

This next item is up for the championship round in an online SkyMall Madness useless product tournament. Not hard to see why....

When you only need to know what day it is

Let me tell you something. If you're someone who only needs to know what day it is, you're going to need a lot more than a Day Clock. Like, for instance, a Month Clock. Or a clock that tells you who's President. Or maybe a clock that tells you if you're a man or a woman. This kind of stuff can all be easy to forget.

I'd like to know what kind of pot-addled high-school dropout uses this Day Clock. How would it come into play? "Oh man, what day... is -- oh, wait, it's only Tuesday? Dude, I wasn't planning on waking up until Friday..."

***

I believe in fire safety, but I need my fire escapes to be convenient and discreet....

"Be careful jumping the windowsill onto that flimsy rope ladder, three year-old daughter! Mommy will be safely on the ground waiting for you!"

***

Designed for the horticulture-inclined Cryptozoologist...

Reader Tyler also pointed out this gem. What's key about Big Foot Garden Sculpture is not its unblushing ugliness, but rather the fact that it's two feet tall. Who cares if it has big feet at that point? This is a pygmy Yeti!

Finely hand-painted for startling realism

Startling realism if you lack depth perception. And what is there to finely hand-paint here? It's all ape-brown!

***

Hey, if Barbie can use a toy bank card, then so can responsible adults!

Sound effects make it fun to save money!

Yep. That's my main motivation for having savings. Awesome sound effects.

When coins or bills are deposited, this savings bank adds them up!

Does it also add up the interest you're not getting by keeping your money in a plastic piggy bank rather than a savings account?

Like a real bank, it won't allow overdraws, and the "vault" is protected by a combination lock.

Except that most real banks allow overdraws (they just charge you a massive fee for them), and their vaults are protected by laser security systems, cameras and armed guards.

The best part about this product was that it was nowhere near the kids section in the catalog. This is seriously marketed towards grown adults. I wonder how many ATM Bank owners have ever kept more money inside the "vault" than the $30 they spent on the product itself ?

***

I hope I don't have to fly anywhere again soon. I think the Spring SkyMall is about to be issued, and I just don't think I can handle it.

Advertising from 40,000 feet, Part the Whatever

I have a feeling SkyMall knows how easy it is to make fun of them. Other sites lampoon their products, too. So, I don't feel bad about these kind of posts. Without further ado....


Ohhh. Yes, please do. Let's take a look at some of these catalog items to see what we can use that thoughtful gift certificate on....

***

Do you crave the delicious taste of convenience store food without the inconvenient drive?

So glad this is finally available. I often cook 8 hot dogs at a time and think to myself, "Why can't there be a easier, goofier way to do this?"

1950s diner-style dogs roll in from the past!

So... this is some kind of culinary time machine, too? Or does it come with relic hot dogs from the 1950's?

***

Do you suffer from muscle tension? Try our patented Neckpro Traction Device, new from Kevorkian Home Solutions Enterprises....

"Noooo! Don't significantly reduce neck pain, Harold! You have so much to live for!"

***

SkyMall has delivered us from the indignity of getting hammered on luke-warm alcohol....

Nothing goes down smoother than an ice-cold shot of your favorite liquor.

Nothing. That shot's going down smoother than a Sig Ep's pickup line. Even mineral water is going to taste like hot tar compared to fifteen-degree SoCo, baby.

Features LED illumination for an eye-catching bottle display.

And you'll be too shit-faced to notice that the eye-catching bottle display is upside down.

Simply attach your bottle of choice and let the liquor drop to a temperature colder than ice

Gee, sounds even simpler than placing your bottle of choice into your freezer, which would have the same effect.

Does the name "Lil' Chill Shot" sounds a little too like a Polly Pocket toy for something that could dispense 190-proof Everclear at a frat party?

***

Reality check: This man is unironically wearing a neon electric guitar-emblazoned jump suit....

Day-omn. That dude is getting the lad-ies! I hope they have baby blue Smurf Jammerz in adult sizes, too.

***

For the high-street man-about-town with more than one, but fewer than six, designer timepieces....
Protect Your Expensive Watches...
.... by placing them in this easy-to-steal, convenient carrying case for the burglar with an eye for fine wrist-wear.

Looks great on dresser, too.

Sometimes even SkyMall simply runs out of things to say. "Looks great next to clarinet case in late afternoon sunlight on a windowsill of a Connecticut farm house."

***

So, still not sure what to do with that SkyMall gift certificate? When faced with the choice between worthless crap, and hilarious worthless crap, I think the only thing to do is: regift the gift certificate.

Whymall?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I know that SkyMall posts are kind of Quivering's thing, but he's not the only one who gets on a plane from time to time. And SkyMall posts are so easy - there's fish in a barrel, and then there's frozen fish fillets that you get at the supermarket, take into your backyard, allow to defrost, then drop on the ground and blast with a shotgun. That's SkyMall.



Jesus, finally. You know how many times I've been setting up a puppet show and thinking, "This bulky wooden theater requires too large a dedicated space and definitely too extensive a setup?" Put it this way: if I had a nickel for every time that happened, I'd have something on the order of zero nickels. But those days are history thanks to this incredibly useful product, which in no way appeals to only ten people on the entire planet. I love how they open with "This is the puppet theater that fits into a doorway as small as 28" in seconds." The puppet theater. "Oh yeah, I heard about that! It was the lead story on the news last week - someone finally invented a puppet theater that fits into a doorway as small as 28" in seconds! And this is the puppet theater they were talking about! I can't believe SkyMall got the rights to it!"



I guess I would believe that children will find a way to spill onto just about anything, but the placement of this forkful of spaghetti and meatballs really has me wondering. Wasn't the kid sitting on the chair? How on earth did that food end up in a location that should have been, I don't know, directly underneath the kid's butt?

Mom: Gosh, it only just occurred to me, Paul - we could probably save a lot of messes if we actually allowed the kids to sit on the chairs, rather than eating their dinner while standing over them.
Dad: No need, Diane. I got these 12-dollar pieces of plastic from SkyMall. We're eating just how we always eat.
Mom: Oh, Paul! I love you!



I'm pretty sure that "no need to leave your case of wine behind when traveling" refers to people who buy wine while on trips and have a hard time getting it home, but I think it's a lot funnier - since it's not especially clear - to read it the other way.

Businessman 1: If you think I'm going on this business trip without my twelve bottles of wine, you're crazy.
Businessman 2: Wait, Jim! Check out this SkyMall catalog!
Businessman 1: Well, it's about time someone met my embarrassing, drunken needs! San Diego Airport Hilton, here we come!



There is a serious problem with the scale in this picture. If the machine is actually next to the pile of what I'm taking to be regular-sized donuts at the left, then the mini-donuts at the right are probably about the size of a fingernail. You're going to sell these?

Kid: Mister! Mister! Want to support my basketball team by buying this Ziploc bag full of donuts?
Man: You mean those twelve tiny donuts that are each about the size of a dime? Uh, okay, how much?
Kid: Four dollars. ... Hey, where are you going?



This one kills me, because it's been in the SkyMall catalog for years and either no one has noticed the mistake or they just refuse to admit it's wrong.



Jackson apostrophe S. That's right. Apostrophe S. No! That is not how it works! Multiple Jacksons live at 1735 Highland Blvd, clearly. Either you want just The Jacksons, or to indicate possession you want The Jacksons'. The Jackson's doesn't mean anything unless one person lives there and his name is The Jackson. Which I really doubt. And it's not like SkyMall just hasn't changed the picture - I saw one of these signs in real life a few weeks ago and it had the misplaced apostrophe just like in the picture. Ye gods. Spellcheck is sending this country's grammar to hell in a handbasket.



Infomercial Straight Man: I love cats, but they're so much work. Can't I get all the benefits of owning a cat - food and veterinary expenses, nasty litterbox smells, hair all over the furniture - without any of the hassle of playing with one?
Infomercial Pitch Man: Now you can, with the revolutionary Safe Laser Beam Toy! It'll keep your cat busy playing for hours, freeing you to do other things until the next time you have to bend over and scoop his shit into a bag.
Infomercial Straight Man: Finally, a product that works for me! [gives camera a thumbs-up]

Advertising from 40,000 feet, Part the Thrice

More traveling..... reading SkyMall again.... fish in a barrel... blah, blah, blah.... let's get to work:

SkyMall.... solutions
This is on the upper right of every fourth page or so throughout the catalog. Are these offerings, in fact, "solutions"? And, if so, solutions to which everyday problems and/or needs? Email me your answers in essay form after you've read the post.

Reason #1 why Will Shortz should not go into interior design:


The World's Largest Crossword Puzzle. Holding a Guinness record for its size, this crossword hangs on a full 7' by 7' of wall space and has 28,000 clues for over 91,000 squares.

It looks like something Rain Man would make in quilting class.

It's a challenge that can take months, even up to a year, to complete.

Who doesn't enjoy a leisurely, year-long puzzle?

For the lone wordsmith, it folds for lap or tabletop solving.

Man #1: Hey dude, whatcha working on?

Man #2: 91,000-square crossword puzzle.

Man #1: (backs away slowly)

Crossword can be taped or tacked to the wall.

Crossword can also be crumpled, spat on, set fire to, and heaved into dumpster.


Remember how you always wanted your home to have that "dusty, decrepit old library" feel?


Wooden CD Cabinet reminiscent of your library's old card catalog. Remember those big wooden card catalogs in your local library, where you searched for books before computers came on the scene?

Yes! I totally remember that! Those were so awesome. I remember thumbing through old index cards, trying to navigate the Dewey decimal system and taking minutes and minutes to find what I was looking for. Now it takes milliseconds with the internet. What a fantastic memory you just brought back! And now I can have that same outmoded symbol of bureaucracy right in my own home.

This sturdy cabinet has that same high-quality appearance, but you'll find your CDs inside, not index cards!

Take that, card catalog! We've repurposed your homely design to store our modern technologies. Are you insulted yet? We've also added a "hand-rubbed espresso finish" - whatever that means. But it involves espresso! Which you probably never heard of because you're from the medieval ages!

Holds up to 88 VHSs

"Our new replica Ticker Tape Machine provides storage for up to 74 8-Tracks!"


This holiday season, get Junior the toy gun that best captures his favorite bodily function:


The Classic Ball-Shooting "Burp" Gun. This toy gun uses the same patented design as the classic toy that entertained children in the 1950s.

I have never heard my parents talking about this gun before. I guess it's classic. I love that they patented it. "Quick! Call the lawyers! Before someone else invents a burp gun!"

Because the air gun is powered by pump action instead of batteries, it provides uninterrupted play.

Parents, rejoice! Save money on batteries! Also, prepare for 4 hours of non-stop belching noises.


Wanted: Wire-haired dachshund for awkward, undignified photo shoot.


The Pet Ramp and Staircase.

Gee, Rover looks so relaxed in that picture. Looks like climbing up on the bed is about to become a breeze!


From the "Seriously, don't wear that in public" section of SkyMall:

The iWear AV920 is the newest mobile video eyewear from Vuzix - formerly Icuiti. Featuring a virtual 62" big-screen and weighing just 2.9 oz, iWear allows for a comforable viewing experience for up to 5 hours.

It's about time somebody capitalized on the hot fashion trend started 20 years ago by LeVar Burton. Those glasses are hip! So hip, in fact, that you can wear them just walking around, hair blown back, backpack casually slung over one shoulder, not a care in the world as to whatever you may be walking into. Hard to imagine 62" of screen being represented while wearing these glasses. Then again, it's hard to imagine anyone actually putting these on unironically.


Does anybody really know what time it is? Not in any house where this clock appears:



The Color Pattern Clock. ... Counting the colored squares in each of the four separate sections reveals the time (12:45 is shown.)

SkyMall Employee #1: Hey, what time is it?

SkyMall Employee #2: It's 5 red dots and 4 blue dots past the 2 green dots!

SkyMall Employee #1: Oh, thanks! (kills self)

Hey, I just had an idea for a new watch. As each minute elapses, a new calculus problem appears on the digital screen. You have 60 seconds to calculate the derivative of y by writing y as an explicit function of x. The result will give you a very near approximation of the correct time. Available in black, red and biscuit.


And finally..... I love that SkyMall says this is "Exclusive":



Improvements! Quick & Clever Problem Solvers!

Image: Holy family Nativity scene

What, exactly, are you implying, SkyMall?!

Advertising from 40,000 feet, Part the Second

More travel recently, which means more time spent thumbing through my favorite source of utter nonsense -- SkyMall. I know this is basically fish in a barrel, but I can't resist delving into some of the more unforgivably stupid offerings in this catalog.


What matter of man are you if you don't own a Chair Valet?


Every gentleman deserves a personal Valet at his service...this one even offers a Chair!

Offers a chair? It is a chair. In fact, that's basically all it is.

Unique valet includes a 16.5" x 16" padded leather chair you can sit on while putting socks and shoes on!

Finally! Someone invents a chair I can sit on. I've been doing hand-stands on my chairs for far too long. And are you telling me I no longer need to put socks and shoes on while levitating? Sold!

Tie, belt or suspenders hang at the sides on two extendable posts.

Sweet. I do enjoy transferring accessories that are already hanging in my closet somewhere else where I can rehang them.

Includes a 4.5"-deep drawer beneath the seat for additional storage.

Can I puke into the drawer, too, when I realize how insane this chair is that I just bought?

Please specify light walnut or dark mahogany finish.

There is no way anyone buying this could possibly care about matching wood shades.

$189.99

Hahahaha. Good Lord.


Under most circumstances, I would respect a product called the Hot Diggity Dogger. Shows a sense of humor. This, however, is going a bit too far...


Pop-up Hot Dog Cooker

Hey, sometimes a pop-up hot dog cooker is just a pop-up hot dog cooker.

Simply drop hot dogs in the center basket, and the buns in the two warming chambers

Gee, that does sound simple. Also, delicious.

on either side: the 660-watt heating coil has time settings so you can heat to your taste preference.

My taste prefernce is usually "cooked." I know there are roughly 14,560 wrong things with this "unique kitchen appliance" (appliance!?), but is anyone else completely skeeved by the fact that a toaster is cooking both a meat tube and a bread product together? Also, you better be a ballpark concessionaire or be some kind of teenage hot dog-hoarding ogre in order to make this product worth the $50.


Somewhere, Auguste Rodin is weeping...


Thinking Out of the Box

Isn't the phrase "thinking outside the box"?

Only those who see the invisible can do the impossible.

You know what makes me brainstorm my best ideas? Hackneyed, fortune cookie-quality aphorisms. The only reason I called this product out specifically is -- look at that thing! That is one of the most poorly-rendered ... anything... I've ever seen. I could have created a better likeness of The Thinker with a coat hanger and a refrigerator magnet.


Finally, let's bring it on home with some myopic motivational bullshit...


Determination (Grand Slam)

Ahh yeah... a picture of a hitter putting some serious wood on that ball. "Outta here!" Hah ha -- yes! Just one thing, though -- what if you're a pitcher?

Next post I promise to take an especially bad, big budget television commercial to task.

Advertising from 40,000 feet

I've been doing some traveling recently, and I've spent a good amount of time bored on planes. Air travel brings out the best (e.g. Southwest "Wanna get away?" ads) and worst (e.g. entire SkyMall catalog) in advertising, so here is an example of one thing the airlines got right, and one thing that went horribly, horribly wrong.

This is a simple package of peanuts on the low cost carrier AirTran:



The front of the package says, "How to Eat Gourmet Pretzels on a Low-Fare Airline." Kind of an odd message on a bag of in-flight snacks, and it made me turn the package over to read the "Complete Details." I couldn't get a good photo or scan of the back of the package, so here's what it says:

EATING INSTRUCTIONS
1. Think about our wonderful low fares at airtran.com as you open packet.
2. Place a pretzel in mouth. With each crunch, be reminded of our low fares.
3. As you swallow, remember again just how low the fares are.
4. Repeat until pretzel packet is empty.
5. Keep empty packet to remind yourself to book at airtran.com for our lowest fares and no booking fees.

Pretty clever. I like the idea of giving pretzel-eating instructions. The copy is intentionally hard-hitting, but if you do take the time to read the packet, you are indeed reminded that AirTran is a low-cost airline. That's the whole point: getting one message (i.e. "Our flights are cheap at airtran.com") across to the consumer in a simple, direct way. It's free advertising, too -- AirTran is guaranteed that every one of its customers sees this pretzel package, and they made sure it carried their message. The light-hearted delivery even makes it enjoyable to read.

Now, for the bad. This is an ad in the in-flight magazine on the same AirTran flight:



Who doesn't want to place a slab of meat on something called the Big Green EGG? And if the idea of grilling up the family Fourth-of-July meal on an EGG appeals to you, I hope you like the color green. Because that's apparently what you're getting.

The supporting copy is hard to read on this photo, so here are some highlights:

What's Different About The EGG? Space-Age Ceramics Make It EGGstraordinary
Okay, you totally called it "Big Green EGG" just so you could use that "EGGstraordinary" bit. I have to give it up, that's a good one! I'm sold. May I also add that this Big Green EGG is made "EGGspecially for you"? Or that it grills "EGGceedingly well"? Incidentally, do puns in headlines ever sell products? EGGsactly.

Also, "Space-Age" ceramics? If anyone believes this, I've got a Space-Aged bridge to sell you.

Natural lump charcoal gives food terrific taste
What does this have to do with the EGG, exactly? Excuse me, EGGsactly? Natural lump charcoal is something you'd buy separately and put into this grill, or smoker, or whatever it is. This would be like an ad for a typewriter claiming that writing the great American novel would be terrific.

Double-wall high-tech ceramics make it durable and fuel efficient (sic on the lack of hyphenation)
There we go again with this new-fangled ceramics. Did an alien infuse the ceramic shell with invisible grilling rays? Is there a force-field around the EGG that reconstitutes the material if it falls over and breaks? This is ceramics we're talking about, not an iPhone.

Bakes better than a brick oven - pizza, bread, even dessert
"Honey, the steaks and scones are ready out here on the grill!"

Turkey, ribs, chicken, burgers, fish & veggies - the EGG does them all effortlessly
Ostrich, alpaca, turtle giblets, carrier pigeon, dolphin shanks & Dippin' Dots - the EGG does them all. Whatever "does" means.

Ahh, poorly-written ads just make in-flight magazines EGGstra special.