Admiration of a black hat

I've noticed some grumbling that this ad is kind of racist. Can you see why?



Okay, we all know that, for starters, this should not be a minute long. But fine, they shoot ads long at first so they can be chopped into various 30-second installments later; whatever. The meat of the problem, of course, is the cavalcade of Japanese stereotypes, from the horde of cameras to the big yellow font on the TV screen to the slightly fractured English over the New Era logo at the end, which doesn't seem to have been terribly necessary.

Here's what seems to be even more of the problem, to me - does this show how authentic the hat is? The extreme difference of the Japanese culture makes it seem more like they're easily confused; that may not have been the point, but wouldn't it have been a lot more effective to set the ad in Boston and have a group of Red Sox fans in a bar getting confused? It conveys the message a lot better, I think, and has the added advantage of not looking like it's making fun of the Japanese. "Look how stupid the Japanese are - they will mistake literally anyone in a Red Sox cap for David Ortiz! Those silly Asians and their judgment of people based on hats!"

Or here's another way this ad could have been funnier - have David Ortiz and a random guy in a Red Sox hat walking through an airport, and the guy in the hat gets mobbed while Ortiz passes through unnoticed. (You could even potentially repeat the hat-getting-knocked-off gag, with the crowd perhaps having its spell broken and realizing who the real Ortiz is, followed by Ortiz dashing in the other direction to escape the horde.) And then everyone in the crowd could pull out their cameras, take a turn at Dance Dance Revolution, eat some sushi, and finally commit seppuku. Japan! It's so wacky!

Advertising from 40,000 feet, Part the Second

More travel recently, which means more time spent thumbing through my favorite source of utter nonsense -- SkyMall. I know this is basically fish in a barrel, but I can't resist delving into some of the more unforgivably stupid offerings in this catalog.


What matter of man are you if you don't own a Chair Valet?


Every gentleman deserves a personal Valet at his service...this one even offers a Chair!

Offers a chair? It is a chair. In fact, that's basically all it is.

Unique valet includes a 16.5" x 16" padded leather chair you can sit on while putting socks and shoes on!

Finally! Someone invents a chair I can sit on. I've been doing hand-stands on my chairs for far too long. And are you telling me I no longer need to put socks and shoes on while levitating? Sold!

Tie, belt or suspenders hang at the sides on two extendable posts.

Sweet. I do enjoy transferring accessories that are already hanging in my closet somewhere else where I can rehang them.

Includes a 4.5"-deep drawer beneath the seat for additional storage.

Can I puke into the drawer, too, when I realize how insane this chair is that I just bought?

Please specify light walnut or dark mahogany finish.

There is no way anyone buying this could possibly care about matching wood shades.

$189.99

Hahahaha. Good Lord.


Under most circumstances, I would respect a product called the Hot Diggity Dogger. Shows a sense of humor. This, however, is going a bit too far...


Pop-up Hot Dog Cooker

Hey, sometimes a pop-up hot dog cooker is just a pop-up hot dog cooker.

Simply drop hot dogs in the center basket, and the buns in the two warming chambers

Gee, that does sound simple. Also, delicious.

on either side: the 660-watt heating coil has time settings so you can heat to your taste preference.

My taste prefernce is usually "cooked." I know there are roughly 14,560 wrong things with this "unique kitchen appliance" (appliance!?), but is anyone else completely skeeved by the fact that a toaster is cooking both a meat tube and a bread product together? Also, you better be a ballpark concessionaire or be some kind of teenage hot dog-hoarding ogre in order to make this product worth the $50.


Somewhere, Auguste Rodin is weeping...


Thinking Out of the Box

Isn't the phrase "thinking outside the box"?

Only those who see the invisible can do the impossible.

You know what makes me brainstorm my best ideas? Hackneyed, fortune cookie-quality aphorisms. The only reason I called this product out specifically is -- look at that thing! That is one of the most poorly-rendered ... anything... I've ever seen. I could have created a better likeness of The Thinker with a coat hanger and a refrigerator magnet.


Finally, let's bring it on home with some myopic motivational bullshit...


Determination (Grand Slam)

Ahh yeah... a picture of a hitter putting some serious wood on that ball. "Outta here!" Hah ha -- yes! Just one thing, though -- what if you're a pitcher?

Next post I promise to take an especially bad, big budget television commercial to task.

You dream it, I rag on it

I know, I know -- regular folks need to advertise, too. But why can't they just hire an agency once in a while? This example of local advertising comes to us from some Chicago-area brothers who had a dream one day of selling furniture to all of Chicagoland. The other part of that dream was annoying the shit out of anyone who watches television.



Smithe Brother 1: The Chicago Cubs have hired Walter E. Smithe Furniture to do an extreme makeover. Come on inside.

Cubs... furniture... Extreme Makeover... wait, which part of American culture are you trying to co-opt -- baseball, or the concept of "extreme makeovers?" Oh, both? In 30 seconds? And you're going to try to advertise furniture? This ought to be clean and elegant.

Smithe Brother 2 (through megaphone): Play ball!

Or... run onto the field in business suits not playing ball.

Smithe Brother 3: Tim, I'm really thinking of plaid on second base.
Smithe Brother 1: Brilliant.

Laying a piece of fabric on top of something? Man, this makeover really is extreme.

Woman: Should we update the seat colors to a sage?
Other Woman: Or a taupe?

They're already green, so "sage" wouldn't be much of an update. Also, this is stupid.

Some Other Woman: Mark, I've chosen this great red fabric for the visitor's bullpen.

Red would totally clash with taupe seats. I mean, come on.

Yet Another Woman: For the Cubs dugout, I want the players to feel comfortable, so we're going to do this great baseball leather and a red baseball stitching.

Ok, now I'm getting into the concept. Baseball+extreme makeover+furniture+pandering to local audience? How can this lose? Wait a second, I remember reading somewhere (I think it was Reader's Digest) that men aren't the only people who see commercials. In fact, women might be watching television, too. And they might account for 94% of all home furnishing purchase decisions. Well, I'm sure old white guys out on a baseball field advertising furniture works for everyone.

Also, Note the "SMITHE" ad in the bullpen. I'm sure this is there regularly.

God, Still Another Character In This Commercial: Based on the shape of the field, I think a diamond would look best.

Did you catch the pun there? That's a little bonus for the careful viewer. Does anyone else think these women are these guys' daughters and/or wives?

I'm Going To Stop Differentiating Between Characters: Tim, the bushes have to go.

Are you talking about the IVY? It's IVY, not bushes.

Did We Get Everybody Related To The Smithes In This Ad Yet?: I'm thinking this sporty red leather for the locker room and, does the ivy really have to be green?

Good call. The ivy could look a little too "Christmas-y" next to that sporty red. Can we get someone on this green ivy problem stat? Can't it be a nice coral instead?

Hey, before you guys wrap up the commercial, did you want to talk about a particular product, or a sale you have going on, or make a promise about the quality of your wares? Or mention where your store is? No? Suit yourself.

Get it, got it, now get your ads off the air

Ahh, yes. The irony of a television ad for TiVo. Utilizing the very medium you're obsolescing. Targeting the last bastion of regular TV viewers who lack the TiVos they need in order to fast forward through TiVo ads. Haven't you harmed television advertising enough, TiVo? Haven't you wrought enough pain on the business of marketing? Apparently not, because you went and did this:



Does your television "get" you? I mean, does it really "get" you? In that special way only an electronics product can "get" you? Does it "get" you in the sense that only a super-nebulous, super-unmeaningful word like "get" "gets" you? If not, you should consider "getting" a TiVo. And you should consider using the word "get" 5 times in 30 seconds.

This baseball version is the most egregious of the campaign's many ads, particularly for people who like baseball. It just leaves you with a sour taste for the sport.

(My Tivo) knows that I like baseball, so it records everything with the word 'baseball' in it.

"All right, my TiVo gets me and it recorded the Giants game. They're my team. And it recorded Baseball Tonight, too. I love Baseball Tonight. Man, I am being seriously gotten by my TiVo. Oh wait, it also recorded the A's game. I hate the A's. Oh, and the Braves game on TBS. And the Cubs game on WGN. What the hell, I didn't realize that when I set it to record everything with the word 'baseball' in it that it would actually record everything with the word 'baseball' in it. I thought my TiVo was a sentient being that was capable of understanding my television desires, or, more simply put, "getting" me!"

Do you seriously have data that show people use this feature, TiVo?

Woman (come-hitherly): Honey...
Man (raising eyebrows and TiVo 'antennae' or whatever they are): ... and I can pause anytime.

Are you sure you want to pause? You haven't given your TiVo a chance to "get" your sexual appetite.

And the whole antennae thing. Not much to mention except this it's just sort of gross and fake-looking. I can't wait until TiVo starts paying people to wear black antennae and pass out coupons in the street. Or maybe direct marketing is too cutting-edge for them -- after all, they're happy to put their ad dollars into :30 spots.

Tagline (in voiceover and on screen): My Tivo gets me.

Was this necessary? We "got" the message the first 4 times you said it.

There are more of these ads, including one randomly featuring Gene Shalit, to prattle on about, but, why?