Advertising from 40,000 feet, Part the Funf

Here's what gets me about SkyMall product descriptions: no matter how insane or useless something is, the writers are unwaveringly earnest. They have zero sense of humor - they just try to sell, sell, sell.

So, who's the bigger fool, the one who writes stupid copy for SkyMall, or the one who snarkily blogs about them? I guess you can decide for yourself.

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Here's a new one for those of you who enjoy the lack of self-respect that comes with wearing a muumuu, but wish there were something that kept you a little warmer....

Yes, someone has created a product called a "Slanket." Before anyone gets any ideas, that name is already trademarked. Apparently the Slanket people have chosen for their model the nerdiest man on the planet, and they pictured him hanging out completely alone, possibly talking to himself, at what appears to be Fenway Park. I know they're illustrating the "outdoor use," but can you see someone wearing that in front of tens of thousands of people?

Also, when you give your product a name like "Slanket," I think you cannot reasonably expect consumers to order it in colors like "Blue Limoges," "Moss Green," or "Pink Lavender." Those are a little haughty even for Martha Stewart.

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I like candy, but sometimes I really want to feel like I've earned it....

Everybody Loves The Arcade "Claw" Machine!

Oh, yeah. Everybody loved that thing. That's what the kids were lining up for at Chuck E. Cheese. Wasting quarter after quarter not winning prizes? That was so much more fun than, like, actual video games that lasted more than five seconds.

Maneuver the claw to grab a treat and move it to the chute before the music stops!

It sounds like so much fun! I love games where I maneuver claws and drop things down chutes under a time limit.

Teachers and parents love to use it to reward a job well done.

Or, if The Sweet Machine is anything like actual arcade claw machines, NOT reward a job well done.

Simply the best gift idea ever!

Simply the most comically absurd overstatement from SkyMall ever!

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This next item is up for the championship round in an online SkyMall Madness useless product tournament. Not hard to see why....

When you only need to know what day it is

Let me tell you something. If you're someone who only needs to know what day it is, you're going to need a lot more than a Day Clock. Like, for instance, a Month Clock. Or a clock that tells you who's President. Or maybe a clock that tells you if you're a man or a woman. This kind of stuff can all be easy to forget.

I'd like to know what kind of pot-addled high-school dropout uses this Day Clock. How would it come into play? "Oh man, what day... is -- oh, wait, it's only Tuesday? Dude, I wasn't planning on waking up until Friday..."

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I believe in fire safety, but I need my fire escapes to be convenient and discreet....

"Be careful jumping the windowsill onto that flimsy rope ladder, three year-old daughter! Mommy will be safely on the ground waiting for you!"

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Designed for the horticulture-inclined Cryptozoologist...

Reader Tyler also pointed out this gem. What's key about Big Foot Garden Sculpture is not its unblushing ugliness, but rather the fact that it's two feet tall. Who cares if it has big feet at that point? This is a pygmy Yeti!

Finely hand-painted for startling realism

Startling realism if you lack depth perception. And what is there to finely hand-paint here? It's all ape-brown!

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Hey, if Barbie can use a toy bank card, then so can responsible adults!

Sound effects make it fun to save money!

Yep. That's my main motivation for having savings. Awesome sound effects.

When coins or bills are deposited, this savings bank adds them up!

Does it also add up the interest you're not getting by keeping your money in a plastic piggy bank rather than a savings account?

Like a real bank, it won't allow overdraws, and the "vault" is protected by a combination lock.

Except that most real banks allow overdraws (they just charge you a massive fee for them), and their vaults are protected by laser security systems, cameras and armed guards.

The best part about this product was that it was nowhere near the kids section in the catalog. This is seriously marketed towards grown adults. I wonder how many ATM Bank owners have ever kept more money inside the "vault" than the $30 they spent on the product itself ?

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I hope I don't have to fly anywhere again soon. I think the Spring SkyMall is about to be issued, and I just don't think I can handle it.

Just like in real life!

I remember when the major complaint most people had with Barbie was that the doll's figure was unrealistic.



At first, it actually seems like this commercial is preaching financial responsibility.

Voiceover: "Shopping Boutique is a whole store with 11 fashion pieces, a checkout counter, and a credit card for you!"

It probably would have been easier just to make the store, right? There wasn't any specific need to throw a credit card in there. So I'm glad they're teaching young girls that in the real world, clothing has a cost. You can't just "buy everything you want," despite the song in the background. That's a good message.

Voiceover: "When you find the perfect outfit..."
Song: "Buy it!"
Credit card machine: "You have 200 dollars!"
Girl: "Pink is perfect!"
Voiceover: "Another perfect outfit!"
Song: "Buy it!"
Credit card machine: "150 dollars!"

See? Good message. Not only does clothing cost money, but your credit card has a limit. You can't just keep spending indefinitely. That money counts down. Eventually, it runs out.

Other girl: "I love shopping!"
Voiceover: "You never run out of money!"

...oh. Oh no.

Look, Mattel. I get that it would be pretty silly and/or awkward to have a credit card that runs out of money in your toy set. It's not that I expected the credit card machine to say "Sorry, you're over your limit!" But it would have been easy to avoid sending the message to young girls that credit cards are just shopping devices you can use without consequences: don't include a fake credit card. Have we really reached a point where girls would reject a toy set because it lacked a credit card, and they've seen Mommy buy enough at the mall to know that the little piece of plastic is the way you get things?

And not only does the card never run out of money, but it's not like the girls are asked to do anything so complicated as pay a bill. Again, I realize that this would be a pretty complicated piece of information for a couple of ten-year-olds, but why couldn't they just not include a credit card? If they're too young for one piece of information, aren't they too young for all of it? Instead, we're just raising a generation of kids who are going to spend large portions of their lives in credit card debt because they've never been able to grasp the concept that a credit card is really just a loan system and you're expected to pay back those loans in prompt fashion.

As long as we're going to go down this road, though, I've got a few other ideas for Mattel:

The new Barbie Casino! Gamble all you want - you'll never run out of money!

The new Barbie Buffet! Eat all you want - you'll never gain a pound!

The new Barbie Dream Car! Drive as fast as you want - you'll never get a ticket!

New Smoke 'n' Drink Barbie! Use as much as you want - what could go wrong?

My God... it's full of mirrors

I kind of get the feeling that DLP is talking down to me.



Girl: [gasps] "How is it possible?"

You mean the beam of light shooting into the air that has nothing to do with television? Or the appearance of the elephant behind you that also has nothing to do with television?

Girl: "Millions of tiny mirrors on something so small?"

Perhaps you'll tell me. What's that? You're going to do the opposite of telling me?

Girl: "I've never seen anything so colorful... so clear... so real."

"But you don't have to take my word for it! Actually, you do have to take my word for it, because I'll be damned if this commercial is going to show you something besides a kid in a field with an elephant."

Girl: [turning to elephant] "Have you?"

The elephant is not going to answer your question, sweetheart.

Girl: "It's amazing! It's the mirrors. We have to show everyone!"

Perhaps you should, since up to now all we've seen is a girl looking into a box. And as impressive as "millions of tiny mirrors" sounds, it's not like it means anything to the casual viewer. Frankly, it just sounds like I'm going to look at my new TV and see a big picture of myself.

Announcer: "HDTV powered by DLP. See how millions of tiny mirrors make the picture amazing."

For those of you scoring at home, that's two "amazing"s (excellent adjective variation) and three "mirrors." It's also zero explanations of how these mirrors might work at making the picture so good, in favor of one long patronizing "awestruck eight-year-old" speech. Call me crazy, but I'm not really impressed by a $5,000 TV whose main selling point is that it can distract a third-grader. Sure, the DLP's colors are great now, but in eight hours when she's wrapping Ken dolls in aluminum foil to play "Barbie in Space," I think Dad's going to wish he hadn't pulled out the credit card at Circuit City just because Mackenzie and her elephant had never seen anything so real before.