America's heart valves are always closed

One of our Twitter followers, @Telos09, brought the following ad to my attention a couple weeks ago. It's been a while since we've taken a "request," for lack of a better term, so let's get into it.



Painful.

Woman: "Uh, what's the Loaded Baked Potato Skillet like?"

Let me stop right here. Are there really people who go into Denny's and start asking the waitstaff to give opinions on what the food is like? This is the kind of thing you do at a real restaurant, where maybe you're not sure if the preparation is going to be what you want. Is a dish too spicy? How's the meat prepared? That kind of thing. At Denny's this is not an issue. What's the Loaded Baked Potato Skillet like? Uh, it's like we threw some potatoes and other shit into a pan and then cooked it for five minutes.

Waitress: "It's like, uh..." [makes sizzle sounds]
Kid in nearby booth: "No, it's more like:" [makes sizzle sounds]
Douchebag at a nearby table: "If you have prime rib, it's like:" [makes sizzle sounds]

Okay, everyone just shut the fuck up. And I know Denny's is just trying to work all the skillets into this ad, but prime rib? Who the fuck asked you about prime rib, dude? We're talking about the Loaded Baked Potato Skillet at the moment. Fuck off.

Old lady: "The Western Skillet's like:" [makes sizzle sounds]

NO ONE CARES.

The ad then cuts between all the people doing their stupid sounds in a way that reminded me immediately of the original Budweiser "Wassup" commercial from, God, what, a decade ago? On the one hand, probably just a coincidence. On the other hand, my mind went there IMMEDIATELY. I don't know. Whatever.

Woman: "Oh, that sounds good, I'll have one of those, please!"

I get the joke. It's not funny.

Guy: "I'll get the:" [makes sizzle sounds]

Die.

We then see the actual skillets, and man do they just look gross. They don't quite reach Famous Bowl levels, but they really do just look like a bunch of shit tossed into a pan. Yeah, just throw all that shit in there, and then drizzle some other shit on top of it. I am not getting hungry.

How dare you sell products other than ours!

Denny's is very upset about something. So upset that they apparently had to call in the Mafia a totally non-stereotypical guy with a New York accent. What are they upset about?



"Is this non-Denny's restaurant selling the Grand Slam, a breakfast item trademarked by Denny's? No? Well, then they can just get fucked!"

Yeah, I know, the actual "joke" here is that only the Grand Slam is good enough to be called the "Ultimate Breakfast." Somehow I'm not sure that having the mob this unaffiliated Italian-American gentleman tear the sign down is really the classiest way to go about this. I also love the "Do not attempt" fine print. Is anyone that much of a Denny's loyalist?

By the way, here's the Grand Slam as pictured: two pancakes, two eggs, two strips of bacon, and two sausage links. Yeah, you can't get a breakfast like that anywhere. What are you, fucking kidding me? Pancakes, sausage, bacon and eggs? The four most obvious components of any restaurant's breakfast menu? "Make way for the Grand Slam! Can't get a breakfast like this anywhere else on the planet!" At least show like a t-bone steak or a bloody mary or something.

Also note the fine print here: "Price and participation may vary." This fine print is always great. The signature item at Denny's and they might not have it? Wait a minute. Does that mean it's okay for us to go there and tear their sign down? Sweet. Gas up the Oldsmobile, baby!