Wednesday, January 28, 2009

That never happened, did it

So, US Cellular. You've got a minute long spot to work with. Would you like to say anything about your product? Or do you just want to bury us in annoying quirks and sappy bullshit for 60 seconds?

If you think this is about the seventeenth commercial you've seen in the past year which uses "one person passes on something positive to another" as its premise, you're right. And it's not any less annoyingly utilized here.

[The first 12 seconds of the ad are people riding the bus and escalators without smiling]

God forbid that the commute, probably the least enjoyable part of anyone's day, be spent doing something other than juggling and watching dogs put on a Punch and Judy play. Although I did see an ostrich doing chin-ups at the bus stop the other day and I almost cracked a smile. But then I didn't because I have Sprint.

[Quirky string-plucking indicates a lightening of mood. This one dude gets a call and smiles, and the world smiles with him for some reason.]

You know what usually perks me up when I'm in a bad mood? Watching some jackass smile unrealistically broadly while making his public phone call. Fuck this guy.

[Then there is a Royal Scots guard playing the drums at a stop light, which makes sense, and then a fucking building smiles using its window shades.]

Announcer: "Who says the world isn't a pretty great place?"

What kind of terrifying nightmare scenario are we living in where it's considered great for entire buildings to come to life and grin at me?

Announcer: "Maybe those people just need to look a little closer."

The things that I see, looking closely at this commercial: some douche riding a bike and pretending it has a steering wheel (I'd suggest a helmet, by the way); a couple of annoying dipshits turning 360 degrees in the middle of the sidewalk; an entire crowd of people giving peace signs and touching hands on the escalator. I assure you that none of these things would make me think, "What a great world I live in!" They would probably make me think, "Oh, did I forget that they started the 'One City, One Mescaline' program today?"

Announcer: "Because if you really look, you'll see a place that is good and kind."

The kind of good, kind place where little kids walk the city streets dressed like teddy bears, chaperoned only by slightly older kids in rainbow socks. Seriously, who dropped acid before filming this?

Announcer: "A place where a smile can change everything."


[Some asshole dances on an unfinished bridge.]

Hooray! What a wonderful, adorable, cutesy-poo world we live in! I smiled and some fucker I don't care about danced on a bridge. Big fucking shit, US Cellular.

Announcer: "That's why we do more than just connect calls... we believe in connecting people."

Verizon will only let you buy one of their phones if you can prove you're a cyborg. Alltel is working on exclusively cornering the ungulate market. Sprint recently acquired ShellPhones, the mobile service designed for hermit crabs.

Announcer: "US Cellular. Believe in something better."

"When you use our phones, your calls are transported on a pillow of rainbows to a cell tower made of red rope licorice, and a unicorn switchboard operator sends them down the Yellow Brick Road to the Big Rock Candy Mountain, where they're shot out of an ice cream cannon by a leprechaun and a fairy princess, directly into your friend's ear."

Honestly. A minute of tiresome quirks to make the point that your phones... are phones? Are you fucking kidding? Not one word about service, or plans, or calling area, or signal strength, or anything other than this fake, mawkish tripe.

"US Cellular: Believe in annoying, undifferentiating bullshit."


capewood said...

Did I see someone flash by near the end with a Klingon prosthetic forehead?

Quivering P. Landmass said...

Sure looks like it. I guess it's someone's headscarf.

This ad is 60 seconds of US Cellular talking to themselves. What a total waste of everyone's time.

Anonymous said...

Quirks ahoy.

Anonymous said...

No "OMG Bears" label?

Windier E. Megatons said...

I couldn't let attention to detail like that go unrewarded, so I've added "OMG bear suits" as a tag.

Denard Span said...

Wow, that ad is just odd. I love the guy on the half-built bridge dancing around. I guess he's thinking, "Hey, our country's infrastructure may be dangerously neglected, but at least I can still dance!"

These people at US Cellular must have been following me around, because I know that every time I walk around talking on my cell phone with a dopey grin on my face, everyone around me is so amazed by my aura that they just forget all of their troubles and the world is happy! (And then I hang up and stop smiling and chaos ensues.)