From the makers of Dr. Frankenstein's Throat Lozenges....

Having trouble bringing the deceased back to life? Well, the answer's here: Theraflu.


Hey, it doesn't just clear your sinuses. Check out this info from the Theraflu Warming Relief bottle:

Uses
- temporarily relieves:
- minor aches and pains - headache - runny nose - loss of life - unending purgatory - ancient curse compelling you to walk the streets as a miserable specter for eternity - minor throat pain

Seriously, are we talking about a cold and flu symptom medication, or are we talking about some miracle drug that can raise the dead? And if you are in possession of such a product, do you really keep it in your kitchen cabinet, next to the plates?

It's a curious ad. And at first the image of the demon cat didn't make a lot of sense to me, then I read the bottle label more closely:

Directions
- do not use more than directed
- adults and children 12 years of age or older: take 2 tablespoons
- bring offerings forth to the sacred Red Cat God before ingesting dose
- do not take more than 6 doses in 24 hours (unless Red Cat God decrees it)

Theraflu. Good to be back.... from the fiery depths of Hell!

Get spyware! Get spyware! Get spyware! Get spyware!

You know, I'd really like to get a cartoon picture of myself that can represent me online while looking nothing like me at all. Where could I get such a thing?



Sweet! I can make it look nothing like me! Leather pants, "bling" (oh, Zwinky, you're so cool), maybe some red hair? Gosh, I can "be anyone!" In some stupid cartoon avatar. That I should apparently spend all day fucking around with.

Fake Online Avatar Guy 1: "Are the girls ready yet?"
Fake Online Avatar Guy 2: "Nah, they're gettin' zwinky with it."

"Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" was released ten years ago. We're well past the point where you can reference it, even in oblique fashion as here, and have any credibility whatsoever. (That was approximately three weeks after the song hit MTV.) And this ad wants to be cool, so what were they thinking? I guess a world in which "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" is still a hip reference is the same world where women hang out in their rooms changing the clothing on their virtual selves rather than go out with their boyfriends. And where those boyfriends are actually willing to tolerate such ridiculous behavior, rather than immediately going out to find smarter girlfriends.

Song: "Zwinkies are free and fun and hot!"

Well, they're certainly free. Sort of. What does that fine print say?

Fine Print: "Zwinky is free with download of toolbar."

Well, well, well. The catch. What toolbar is that? Oh, the MySearchWeb toolbar. Well, I'm sure there's nothing sinister about this at all. There's no way there could be anything money-making involved. I mean, this stuff is usually all philanthropic.

Oh, it isn't? Huh. That is shocking. I am shocked.

At best Zwinky runs ads on your computer. Even its backers will admit that. At worst it's spyware, tricking you into installing it by offering a "product" for nothing, and then sending data about your web habits back to its corporate masters. How do you think these guys afford ad space?

Spyware is bad enough when it sneaks itself onto your computer. But when it tricks you into installing it by making you think you're getting something cool out of the deal? That's just offensive. Frankly, I don't know why they allow these guys to buy ad space. Would you let some dude buy an ad for his pyramid scheme? "Hey folks, I'm Crazy Carl, and if you want to be rich, send a dollar to me and then buy one of these ads! Tell your friends - I'm on Channel 37 every morning at 4:30!"

Play hard, booze hard

Some commercials are misleading. Some are just outright irresponsible. And then there's this, which somehow belongs in a class by itself:



Do the people at Michelob know how drinking and exercise go together? (Answer: not well.) Michelob Ultra may not have a lot of carbs, but it has 4.2% alcohol by volume, which puts it on par with most mass-market beer. In other words, I hope these people are getting ready for some serious dehydration. (Also, fun fact! Carbohydrates are useful in providing energy that can be burned during exercise, so that the body does not have to deplete itself of more essential nutrients!) At least volleyball is sort of recreational as far as getting exercise goes, I guess. Of course, Michelob Ultra has other ads showing people biking and running, so I'm not going to cut them any slack. If you're jogging three miles and then knocking back a few cold ones, you probably deserve whatever alcohol-related fatigue is coming your way.

The alternate explanation is that these women are vampires and they're planning to get the men drunk and tired before they drain them of life-giving blood.

The untruth-cola

This 7up ad is not, on its face, inherently problematic. It doesn't really try to be funny, it's pretty basic and inoffensive, etc. But something about the imagery really bugs me.

http://www.7up.com/7uptext/7UP_Final_30.mov
(Sorry about the lack of embedding.)

7up: it's just like fresh-picked fruit! 7up is like, totally healthy for you! You should probably have 4-5 servings of 7up a day, because that's what the food pyramid says for fruit and drinking 7up is basically like eating a lemon and/or lime!

One 12 oz. can of 7up: 150 calories, 38 grams of sugar (high fructose corn syrup), not a significant source of vitamins.

One six-ounce lemon and one six-ounce lime: 83 calories, 17 grams of sugar (unrefined fructose), 136% of your RDA of vitamin C.

I mean, basically the same thing, right, guys? Right?

I guess I appreciate the effort by 7up to add incrementally fewer chemicals to our diets, but let's not act like it's anything other than sugar water. Deal?

It's like there's a party in my colon and everyone's invited

Metamucil, you disgust me.



Female announcer: "Primp... coif... gussy up... your insides."

"Dump... drop a load... take a steamer... in your bathroom." But remember, girls don't poop, so we have to use makeup terminology to make it sound like a very delicate process. Meanwhile, it's just giving me horrible mental images of villi getting raked with a mascara brush. Ick.

Female announcer: "With Metamucil! It's 100% psyllium-infused to do more than just cleanse your body..."

I love commercials for health products that cite things the average person knows nothing about. "Wow, 100% psyllium-infused? You don't say! That sure is a lot of... whatever that is."

Female announcer: "...Metamucil actually helps lower cholesterol."

I'm calling shenanigans on this one, because it's misleading as shit. (Heh.) The construction of this sentence would lead one to believe that psyllium is included to lower cholesterol, except that psyllium's primary use is and always has been its laxative properties. The Metamucil website includes a note that the FDA has "approved a health claim for foods and dietary supplements that recognizes that diets containing soluble fiber from psyllium husk, as in Metamucil, may reduce the risk of heart disease by lowering cholesterol when included as part of a low-fat diet."

It's not clear to me, however, that psyllium does this any better than any other soluble fiber. And again, psyllium? Not exactly a household word. This is Metamucil trying to impress people by using big words.

Female announcer: "Making your heart look 'ooh-la-la.'"

Women only like things that are "ooh-la-la." Remember this when making future ads: if they're aimed at women, you need to phrase things in the most feminine way possible. For example, are you marketing a car towards women? I recommend something like, "This car is like wearing hotpants to the baseball game - all the boys will want to sit next to you."

Female announcer: "Metamucil. Beautify your inside."

"Squeeze one out. Pinch a loaf. Drop the kids off at the pool. Go BM. Roll a log."

I appreciate the effort, Metamucil, but everyone knows what you're talking about. You're not going to trick 30-somethings into accidentally taking Metamucil by acting like it's some sort of cosmetic product.