Is Charmin going to make more bad commercials? Does a bear shit in the woods?
Please, Charmin. I'm begging you to stop doing this.
Bear: "Down... set... YIKES!"
First of all, I wish they would decide whether or not the bears' mouths move when they speak. Second of all... the thing that the bear is worried about here is not something that would ever happen to a human. Because we wear pants. And underwear. If I were bending over in front of you to snap a football and you could see pieces of toilet paper sticking to my ass, there would be a much bigger problem going on than that.
Voiceover: "No one likes a bath tissue that leaves little white pieces behind!"
I mean, I guess. It's not really that big of a deal, is it? Oh, apparently it is. So much so that we needed to devote an entire product to the idea.
Voiceover: "Fortunately, there's Charmin Extra Strong!"
That just sounds... problematic. But give that bear a pom-pom! This is very exciting!
Voiceover: "Only Charmin Extra Strong has FlexWeave, uniquely woven fibers with extra strength!"
Wow, Extra Strong Charmin has extra strength? I'm glad you were willing to clear that up. Seriously, buy a fucking thesaurus.
Voiceover: "Extra strength, so when compared to the ultra rippled brand, it holds up better!"
Hey, say "extra strength" again. I'm not able to parse "extra strong" from adjective form into noun form all by myself. Also, I suppose I get the point of this demonstration, but somehow showing a three-pound weight dragging a piece of wet toilet paper across a table doesn't totally sell me on the paper's real use.
Voiceover: "Fewer pieces left behind, plus all the softness you expect from Charmin!"
Is it? Is it really? Or is it like wiping your ass with a paper towel? Because I actually looked at this stuff at the store recently and it looks exactly like a paper towel. And "extra strong" just sounds kind of unpleasant, really.
Voiceover: "Charmin Extra Strong. Look for it in the red package."
This explains a lot. The reason this ad makes a big deal about something that bears should be most concerned about is that this ad is actually aimed at bears. Why else would they assume that the viewer can't read and would need to remember the color of the package? (And yes, bears can see color.) Maybe Lowe's and Charmin could do some kind of cross-promotion. "How do you like your ass, Bill? 'Rawr?' Rubbed raw by extra strong Charmin? Check."
Seriously, how gross are these commercials? I know that it's hard to advertise a product like this, but couldn't they go the Metamucil route and dance around it? Sure, that sucks, but it sucks less than cartoon pieces of cartoon toilet paper on cartoon bears' asses. I think we can all be thankful that, unlike our animal friends, we don't live in a world where the issues revolving around other people's toilet paper problems are on constant public display.
Showing posts with label cartoon bear asses. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cartoon bear asses. Show all posts
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Em-bear-ass-ing
This isn't a political blog, so I'm not going to touch the possibility that this commercial is intended to reinforce the "Republicans = strong while Democrats = soft" agenda with a ten-foot pole. Fortunately I don't have to, because that's not really why it sucks.
Truly, Charmin's obsession with bears - specifically, with bears shitting - has hit an all-time low. At least in previous ads it sort of made sense - first of all, the bears were depicted in the woods, and second of all, the slogan used to be "Best for Bear Bottoms." Sure, the bears could communicate telepathically, which is kind of creepy, but at least it all fit together.
Now, however, the bears are pulled completely out of their element. They're running down the beach in a clear Chariots of Fire homage, although Handel's Messiah is playing since that's in the public domain while Vangelis' score for Chariots is not, and if you were Vangelis, would you allow the licensing rights to your most enduring work to be sold for an ad that was going to play it over bear asses?
Also, they're running down the beach, kind of heavily lumbering and looking uncomfortable. If you have to shit as much as these bears evidently do, why would you attempt to run, especially on an uneven surface like sand? And wouldn't it make way more sense for the "Hallelujah" chorus to kick in after they see the outhouses? Instead you've got the choir rolling over the inexplicable gyrating-cartoon-bear-asses shot that made me profoundly uncomfortable. I know Charmin makes toilet paper and there's got to be some reference to how one uses their product in their ads, but given how the copy itself always tippy-toes around its specific function - kind of Metamucil-esque - I'm routinely confounded by the insistence on making direct visual references to pre-shit (and sometimes mid-shit) bears.
Speaking of copy:
Announcer: "Introducing a new world of Charmin!"
A new world? Aren't we overstating it just a bit? If they were playing Dvořák's Ninth Symphony I might accept this as just the most erudite reference in advertising history, but they're not.
Announcer: "New Charmin Ultra Strong, for those who want a little more strength, and Charmin Ultra Soft, for those who want a little more softness."
They couldn't have diversified their word choices even a little more than that? "Strong for strength! Soft for softness! For those who want a little more!" I'm glad you were able to work so much information on the product in there.
Announcer: "Rediscover Charmin. Choose the one that's best for you!"
Frankly, I'm a little worried by someone who wants to use something "stronger" on their most sensitive areas while in the bathroom. "Say, Mabel, hand me that sandpaper, will ya? Yeah, I really need something with a little more strength when I'm wiping... OH GOD! SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK! WHY AM I DOING THIS??? Ah, all clean."
[cartoon bears pound fists]
Wait a minute - was that Charmin actually trying to work some street cred in there? Good try, but it might work better if the chamber music and outhouses didn't peg the rest of the commercial at somewhere around the year 1750.
You really have to love the combination of the Messiah oratorio with the heavenly beam of light when the bears near the portable toilets, though. Two new types of toilet paper, one slightly stronger and one slightly softer. That's about on par with the return of Christ in glory, isn't it?
Truly, Charmin's obsession with bears - specifically, with bears shitting - has hit an all-time low. At least in previous ads it sort of made sense - first of all, the bears were depicted in the woods, and second of all, the slogan used to be "Best for Bear Bottoms." Sure, the bears could communicate telepathically, which is kind of creepy, but at least it all fit together.
Now, however, the bears are pulled completely out of their element. They're running down the beach in a clear Chariots of Fire homage, although Handel's Messiah is playing since that's in the public domain while Vangelis' score for Chariots is not, and if you were Vangelis, would you allow the licensing rights to your most enduring work to be sold for an ad that was going to play it over bear asses?
Also, they're running down the beach, kind of heavily lumbering and looking uncomfortable. If you have to shit as much as these bears evidently do, why would you attempt to run, especially on an uneven surface like sand? And wouldn't it make way more sense for the "Hallelujah" chorus to kick in after they see the outhouses? Instead you've got the choir rolling over the inexplicable gyrating-cartoon-bear-asses shot that made me profoundly uncomfortable. I know Charmin makes toilet paper and there's got to be some reference to how one uses their product in their ads, but given how the copy itself always tippy-toes around its specific function - kind of Metamucil-esque - I'm routinely confounded by the insistence on making direct visual references to pre-shit (and sometimes mid-shit) bears.
Speaking of copy:
Announcer: "Introducing a new world of Charmin!"
A new world? Aren't we overstating it just a bit? If they were playing Dvořák's Ninth Symphony I might accept this as just the most erudite reference in advertising history, but they're not.
Announcer: "New Charmin Ultra Strong, for those who want a little more strength, and Charmin Ultra Soft, for those who want a little more softness."
They couldn't have diversified their word choices even a little more than that? "Strong for strength! Soft for softness! For those who want a little more!" I'm glad you were able to work so much information on the product in there.
Announcer: "Rediscover Charmin. Choose the one that's best for you!"
Frankly, I'm a little worried by someone who wants to use something "stronger" on their most sensitive areas while in the bathroom. "Say, Mabel, hand me that sandpaper, will ya? Yeah, I really need something with a little more strength when I'm wiping... OH GOD! SWEET MOTHER OF FUCK! WHY AM I DOING THIS??? Ah, all clean."
[cartoon bears pound fists]
Wait a minute - was that Charmin actually trying to work some street cred in there? Good try, but it might work better if the chamber music and outhouses didn't peg the rest of the commercial at somewhere around the year 1750.
You really have to love the combination of the Messiah oratorio with the heavenly beam of light when the bears near the portable toilets, though. Two new types of toilet paper, one slightly stronger and one slightly softer. That's about on par with the return of Christ in glory, isn't it?
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