The Art of Predictable Headlines

Warning: I'm about to get a little pedantic here. The reason? This Sargento cheese ad, which commits so many advertising sins that it's a veritable compendium of lessons on how not to write an ad:


Let's just go down the list of the features of this magazine ad:
- Lazy headline that was cool back in 1981? Check.
- Image and signature of woefully unattractive owner? Check.
- Excruciating paragraph of boilerplate food copy? Check.
- Shots of, presumably, entire line of products? Check.
- Online call-out? Check.
- Overall busy layout? Check.
- Retarded slogan? Oh, God, check.

How, exactly, did this ad come to be? Were the Sargento people just thinking, "Nice ad. We like the three different backgrounds all frankensteined together like that. Wait, let's add the picture of the owner. Wait! And make sure the fake-looking grapes make it back in. And, wait!! How will they know it's hand-crafted? Let's add in a huge, scripted 'handcrafted' in the middle of that landscape. Perfect."

What part of this ad does Sargento think makes me want to buy cheese? No single component of this ad is that unforgivable, but the fact that it's effectively 8 different print ads compiled into one overall piece of excrement makes the whole far, far more painful than the sum of its parts.

The headline in particular, "Experience the Art of Cheese" is pathetic. "The Art of blank" is one of the most obvious and overplayed creative devices in all of advertising. Copywriters everywhere simply need to retire this line for the next hundred years.

And then there's the slogan --

Persnickety People. Exceptional Cheese.

Okay, I get the feeling that it was Lou Gentine, second generation owner of Sargento Cheese, who dreamed this baby up. Or at least I hope it was him, and not someone who gets paid to write. The first definition of "Persnickety" is, "overparticular; fussy," and the second definition is, "snobbish or having the aloof attitude of a snob." Awesome. It might as well just be:

Snobby Dicks. Exceptional... Who the Fuck Cares.

It really doesn't matter what you say after you use the word "persnickety" in a 21st century ad -- you've already convinced me I don't want your product.

If anyone else hates this ad, I encourage you to write to Sargento. The one catch is that you'll have to spell out their obnoxious address: 1 Persnickety Pl, Plymouth, WI. I'm not even kidding about that. They took that slogan and just ran with it, didn't they? I guess Sargento just loves overdoing things, whether it's packing every last bit of selling copy into an ad until it looks like a third grader's random magazine collage, or actually naming a street "Persnickety." I sure hope that cheese really is exceptional, for their sake.

I can't legally tell you that I'm handsome and this post is hilarious

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One small step for Mazda, one giant leap for... well, Mazda

Seriously, Mazda, get a grip. So you won an award -- congratulations. Now have you ever heard the expression "act like you've been there before"?

Apparently not...



(Motor Trend trophy used as tuning fork)

Man: Come shine here with me

"Shine"? What does that mean in this context?

Chorus: Gotta make, gotta make it mine today

Woman: I'm finally free

You do realize this is a car you're singing about, and not the Bill of Rights?

Chorus: Gonna make, gonna make them stop and say... zoom, zoom, zoom! Yeah, zoom zoom zoom!

Shine on, man. You're free. Zoom zoom! This is nonsensical blather. How many seconds did this take somebody to write? And look at this scene: you have a gospel choir praising and clapping their hands around an SUV - is it some kind of weird cult? Are they about to sacrifice the car? It's eerily fake-looking and hopelessly overwrought.

Announcer: Designed, engineered and now celebrated... the "zoom zoom" way.

Yeah, the "zoom zoom" way. I'm guessing that means there's going to be a party at this guy's house?


I know Mazda's been doing this "zoom zoom" campaign for a while now. I think it makes more sense with the upbeat song and the little kid who says "zoom zoom." Call me crazy, but an 8-year old boy saying "zoom zoom" is more appropriate that a choir of adults doing the same. Recently, Mazda has taken this "zoom zoom" idea and let their imaginations run amok. Take, for example, this fetid, masturbatory "brand essence" video they put together:

(and please, for your sake, don't watch more than 30 seconds of this)



one day you're born.... the next big milestone.....

Crawling? Walking? First word?

you discover go zoom zoom

Get.... over.... yourselves. For fuck's sake, Mazda, the world does not revolve around your mid-level automobiles! This solipsism is inexcusable, even for a brand essence video that probably was never meant to be seen by the consumer.

Also the grammar in that above sentence is indescribably loathsome. Mazda, I think I hate you.

you grow up... acquire responsibilities.... (adults don't go zoom zoom).... but a lucky few never lost the spark.... you, perhaps?... guess what.... there's a car company... they love zoom zoom too

Yes, they do. They love zoom zoom a whole helluva lot. They love it like "pour millions and millions into using this moronic phrase in every piece of collateral we shit out for the next ten years" a lot.

The video continues in this fashion: cheesy, childish phrase, cornball lifestyle stock footage; another embarrassing line of copy, another painful slo-mo shot. I think it's funny that companies bother to define their advertising approach with these "setting-the-tone" presentations. It makes you realize that a large group of people actually put thought behind this. People with decades of experience, people with MBAs, people with art school training -- they all got together in a room and asked the question, "What does 'zoom zoom' really mean?" Then they talked about it as though it were a worthwhile discussion -- as though it would lead to some new way of selling more cars. As though the notion of a close-reading of "go zoom zoom" weren't just utterly absurd.

Mazda -- please go back to making boring, templated car commercials that talk about 0% APR and all-wheel-drive, or whatever. I know I said those kind of ads suck, but, dude, now that I've seen the alternative? Please just stop.