Take our word for it -- our product is good for you!

Forget everything you know about high fructose corn syrup. Now watch this ad and see if you think it's safe:



Now, I'm not a nutritionist (summary: corn syrup has stronger links to obesity and various diseases than sugar), and I'm not an environmental expert (summary: along with ethanol, corn syrup discourages crop diversity and requires more use of pesticides) -- so let's just look at the commercial itself to see if it really serves to sway opinion.

Mom #1: (looking at the unlabeled jug of red juice being poured at kids birthday party) Wow, you don't care what the kids eat, huh?

Mom #2: Excuse me?

Mom #1: That has high fructose corn syrup in it.

Mom #2: And?

AND it's murdering your children, lady! That liquid just bubbled up from Hell!! You're serving your children sweet, syrupy death juice!!!

I mean come on -- just blithely dismissing the notion that a chemical might, might, be dangerous to your child's health? I think the public deserves a little bit more information than a character in a commercial just being like "So? There's a weird chemical in my kid's food? Who gives a shit? He ain't dead yet, okay?"

Mom #1: You know what they say about it.

Mom #2: (still smugly pouring sweetened juice) Like what?

Mom #1: I mea-- uh....

Apparently corn syrup critics are also the stupidest, least informed people in the universe.... according to the Corn Refiner's Association.

Mom #2: (arrogantly and profusely patronizing) That's it's made from corn?

And the potent narcotic opium is made from poppies. Your point?

Mom #2: Doesn't have artificial ingredients....

Nothing from nature has ever killed anybody, right?

Mom #2: ... and like sugar, it's fine in moderation?

Mom #1: (picks up glass of corn syrup liquid, takes swig)

Apparently corn syrup critics are also the most easily persuaded people in the universe... according to the Corn Refiner's Assocation.

So, did you think corn syrup was somehow bad for you before you saw this ad? Yeah? Well I bet you feel like a complete asshole now! If you want to be talked down to some more, and see more complete dummies like you suggest that corn syrup isn't the single greatest ingredient on Planet fucking Earth, then check out Sweet Surprise.com here. Because there are two more ads that follow this exact template, each more patronizing and insulting than the next!

Here's the thing about this commercial -- besides being a misleading, information-less vamp, does it really do anything to quell people's misgivings about corn syrup? Say you knew nothing about corn syrup when you saw the ad -- wouldn't this obvious snow job make you awfully suspicious? Wouldn't you want to do some digging to find out more (and by digging around I mean going to places other than SweetSurprise.com)?

"High Fructose Corn Syrup: What do you mean you've heard it's unhealthy and environmentally destructive? Haven't you seen our ad?!?"