Sunday, January 30, 2011

Today in things that don't ever happen

Friend 1: "Nice shape, Jane!"
Jane Krakowski: "Thanks! I've been helping out at a lot of celebrity car washes."
Friend 2: "I think she meant the new Trop50 bottle."
Jane: "Oh. Right."

Oh, right. Because Jane Krakowski invented the new Trop50 bottle and therefore it makes sense for praise for its shape to be directed at her. Or, oh, right, because "Nice shape" is a comment that any native speaker of English would ever make, ever. Or, oh, right, what the fuck is this. Friend 2's smugness is delightful here given that she's treating as an absolute given something no human being would say.

Jane: "Well, you can see how I'd make that mistake."

I can! Well, sort of. If I was carrying a bottle of juice into a room and one of my friends said, "Hey, nice shape," I think my response would be "What the fuck are you even talking about?" And then if they were like, "I meant that the shape of that juice bottle you're carrying is nice," I would have stared at them for a full minute without saying anything, and then never invited them to another of my famous "we're doing nothing but drinking orange juice in my living room" get-togethers.

Jane: "I've never been in better shape!"
[She attempts to preen for her friends, who totally ignore her.]
Friend 3: "Mmm, so good! And it's got 50% less calories!"
Jane: "What do you think?"
Friend 2: "Which makes it gooder!"
Friend 1: "It is gooder!"
Friend 3: "It's better than gooder."

This is really just fucking retarded at this point. What am I supposed to be feeling towards these women? Because I just hate all of them, and by extension the product for which they are shilling by deploying the reverse-engineered grammar of a four-year-old. Also, since the word which conveys the concept that "gooder" does is the word "better," I think I would have tried not to include that word in the copy. Might take some work, but it's not like you haven't already spent 20 seconds hooking a car battery up to the English language's genitals.

Jane: "Ladies, you don't say gooder! There's no such word as gooder!"

You won me back, Jane.

Friend 2: "But Jane, you look gooder."
Jane: "Do I???"

Never mind. "Oh, friends, I don't mind that you're the three dumbest women on the planet. I just want you to acknowledge that I've lost weight!" Incidentally, I am surprised, slash amazed, slash dumbfounded that in a commercial aimed at women, starring women, and featuring a main character bragging about her weight loss and a low-calorie product, that the weight loss and the low-calorie product are not actually tied together. It's like they weren't even trying to make this commercial effective. Or comprehensible. This shit makes those Yoplait ads where the women talk up desserts they're not actually eating look like masterpieces of the craft.


Anonymous said...

Haven't seen this one yet thankfully. It reminds me of the people who think their soooo funny when they stay stuff like better than gooder. Augh!

Anyways good to see your updating more frequently, looking forward to see if your going to do a super bowl ad wrap up.

capewood said...

I guess I don't watch enough TV. If you hadn't mentioned Jane Krakowski's name, I'd not realized she was supposed to be somebody famous. I still had to look her up to see what she was famous for. Perhaps I'm the only person in America who doesn't watch 30 Rock. The banter totally distracted me from the product. Some sort of orange juice but I don't remember the brand.

Windier E. Megatons said...

She was also on Ally McBeal lo those many years ago, which is still what I remember her more for (not watching 30 Rock myself).

Anonymous, we do plan a Super Bowl post as per usual. Hoping to get the preview post up in the next couple days.