Saturday, December 12, 2009

Look who's gawking

It's vital that we teach important messages to the youth of today. So if you have a daughter who's entering her teens, you should definitely show her this ad and have a long, serious talk about breast self-esteem.

Right Breast: "Hey, did you see? Nobody's staring at us anymore."
Left Breast: "Aren't we still hot?"
Right Breast: "Kuh-learly!"

Remember, guys: women's breasts want to be stared at. You might even say they were asking for it. In fact, here's how to handle it when, say, you're at work.

Manager: "Do you think you could have this done by the end of the day? The client will be expecting it."
You [staring directly at her chest]: "Uh huh. Oh yeah. Not a problem."
Manager: "Um, I'm up here."
You: "Yeah, but your boobs are down here."
[uncomfortable silence]
You: "You're welcome..."

Right Breast: "You know what? It's all because of that stupid butt down there."
Left Breast: "Yeah! Stupid butt, gets all the attention now."

Yeah! When we used to walk past construction sites, it was all "Nice tits, honey! Woo woo!" And now it's "Nice ass, babe! Yeah, shake it!" I want to be objectified on my terms, goddammit!

Right Breast: "She's so tight now, so round, so pretty..."
Left Breast: "And so... stupid!"
Announcer: "Make your boobs jealous."

Really think they should have gone for the female announcer here. Might have made things a little less creepy. I mean, there are other commercials in this series that are a bit more reasonable (mostly because they don't feature talking breasts). Although compare this ad - while it doesn't have talking breasts, it still dwells on the idea that the only real reason to improve your physique is to get all the boys staring at your ass.

You might also notice what neither of these ads features - the woman's face. Or anything that would give her a personality and make her something besides a pair of breasts and a writhing, topless figure on a bed. I guess the original ad concept was too on the nose.

Right Breast: "Hey, did you notice no one is staring at us?"
Left Breast: "Aren't we still hot?"
Brain: "Uh, being objectified constantly really makes me uncomfortable, so-"
Right Breast: "Shut up, brain! Did anyone ask you?"
Left Breast: "Stupid brain thinks she's so smart."
Right Breast: "Yeah, stupid brain! Thinks just because she got into Harvard she's better than us!"
Brain: "I just think it's important to be more than some piece of mea-"
Left Breast: "I think the quarterback just walked by! Quick, flaunt us!"
Butt: "Hey, I just wanted to point out that it's been 20 seconds since someone last showed appreciation for my tightness by slapping me."
Brain: "Um, yeah, that's because that's terrib-"
Butt: "Uh, hello? Why did we even wear Reebok EasyTone if I'm not going to be constantly ogled and pinched?"
Right Breast: "Hey, is that a camera? Pull our shirt up!"

So, congratulations, Reebok EasyTone. Thanks to you, women can - hopefully! - increase the number of creepy leers and unwanted advances they get, more easily than ever. What an age we live in.


Quivering P. Landmass said...

Maybe I just have different preferences than most guys, but there's nothing sexy-looking about a headless rack and a butt in granny panties. Also, nothing sexy about the word "butt" (used FOUR times in this 30-second spot.) This commercial isn't aimed at men, but man, so unappealing.

Anonymous said...


A lot of spam on this blog lately. To rectify the problem:

1. Go to and log in.

2. Click settings

3. Click comments

4. Scroll down to "Show word verification for comments?" and say yes.

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Windier E. Megatons said...

I've hemmed and hawed for months over adding comment verification because I feel like it can discourage real comments too - but then again, we don't get that many comments here and most people who post probably care enough to type in an extra word. And you're right that the spam is really going up. I think it's time to add it.

Anonymous said...

I just discovered this blog for the first time, and so far, I think most of all those rants you post are spot on. But frankly, I really don't see the problem with this ad in particular. Your post comes off to me as having this black-and-white mentality toward the whole having-nice-breasts-and-ass thing; just because women don't want men creepily leering at them from the corner or the room doesn't mean *any* attention directed at their bodies is vile poison to them and that any woman who actually IS flattered by it in any way is clearly Girls Gone Wild material.

I mean believe it or not, most women do in fact care about their body images, and likewise, a lot of them tend to be flattered by cute guys noticing them at the gym or whatever. Because there's a fine line between a girl's body simply catching a guy's eye (which is a behavior that's biologically hard-coded into literally every single heterosexual male on the planet) and a horndog making a douchey come-on or a creeper silently staring from afar. Just because you're a guy who falls into the former category doesn't mean you're also in the latter, and likewise, just because you're a girl who wants to look good for guys doesn't mean you're someone who parades around stripping for Mardi Gras beads.

The point is, the Reebok ad seems pretty harmless to me in its intent. It's clearly catered toward any normal woman who likes looking good, not specifically catered toward the trashy attention-whore niche market or whatever.