Three guesses as to what you will see if you go online to "see more now" at the end of this ad, and the first two don't count.
If you said "Danica Patrick and Jillian Michaels are NOT naked," you're right! (If you additionally said, "It's excruciatingly unfunny and you will instantly regret watching it just to remove the 0.0000000001% of doubt you had before posting this," you are also right.)
Don't you wonder why GoDaddy is still making ads this way? At first, I get it. You want to get your name out there. But everyone knows who GoDaddy is by now and yet we get functionally the exact same thing every year - the ad implies that if you go online for the full version you will see nudity or at the very least something extremely risqué; you of course will not; and for some reason GoDaddy refuses to cast anyone who would be worth the effort anyway. For crying out loud, I could type virtually any sexual term into Google and find video of a more attractive woman than Danica Patrick doing unspeakable things inside of thirty seconds.
Just for good measure, this year's spot adds Jillian Michaels, because two passably attractive brunettes are better than one, even if neither of them can act worth a lick. Neither Michaels nor Patrick is hot enough to justify appearing in these spots, right? Surely you could find someone around their level who could act, or at least find someone hotter who can't. Maybe it seems kind of sexist for me to harp on this, but come on - their entire premise is "We're using hot ladies to sell domain names." You can't do that and then not provide hot ladies.
If you hate yourself, do be sure to check out the full online spot, which ranks right up there with the worst associated web content to a televised ad I've ever seen. Although it is sort of impressive how many people they managed to cast who lack the ability to competently deliver a line.
Showing posts with label sex appeal... or something. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex appeal... or something. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Remember, Asians are the smart ones
The premise of any commercial for a men's deodorant, body spray or body wash is the same -- non-stop sex. For example, watch any Old Spice ad. But that's actually not my complaint about this Nivea for Men commercial, because over-the-top sex appeal just so commonplace that it's silly to call it out. Rather, I object to this commercial for another reason (just watch the first commercial here, I think this includes both the :30 and the :15 versions):
Now the first part of this ad pokes fun at some the Old Spice and Axe Body Spray nonsense, by showing teenager parodies lusting for a strong-smelling body wash they think could get them laid (and the only reason they would have that perception? Commercials.) But in the middle of that is a fairly egregious slip-up:
Asian kid (nerdily): This won't increase my ability to mate.
Oh yes -- stereotypes. That's what body wash/deodorant marketing was missing! Man, the constant barrage of flimsy promises of easy women wasn't enough -- I really needed it to hit home with some old-fashioned cheap shots at minorities.
The Bodywash for Grownups
If only Nivea had hired some grownups to write this ad for them.
So, while this commercial doesn't rely on ham-fisted sex appeal, it doesn't exactly elevate the dialogue, either. One step forward, two steps back. We see that pattern far too often around here.
Now the first part of this ad pokes fun at some the Old Spice and Axe Body Spray nonsense, by showing teenager parodies lusting for a strong-smelling body wash they think could get them laid (and the only reason they would have that perception? Commercials.) But in the middle of that is a fairly egregious slip-up:
Asian kid (nerdily): This won't increase my ability to mate.
Oh yes -- stereotypes. That's what body wash/deodorant marketing was missing! Man, the constant barrage of flimsy promises of easy women wasn't enough -- I really needed it to hit home with some old-fashioned cheap shots at minorities.
The Bodywash for Grownups
If only Nivea had hired some grownups to write this ad for them.
So, while this commercial doesn't rely on ham-fisted sex appeal, it doesn't exactly elevate the dialogue, either. One step forward, two steps back. We see that pattern far too often around here.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Melts in your mouth, not in your pants
Having talking spokescharacters can get a little weird if the characters are items of the food product you're selling, and using sex to sell candy creeps me out. So when M&Ms manages to make an ad that goes wrong in both of these ways? I'm not a fan.
There are about a million ways this is wrong. Let's enumerate just a few of them:
1. The attempted sexuality of the bare legs and high heels.
2. The purring, bedroom-voice voice-over.
3. The horrible "seductive poses."
4. The wink.
5. The fact that an M&M is eating other M&Ms.
Why, M&Ms? Why do you think it makes sense to sell your product with creepy, utterly repulsive "sexually appealing" candy? Your audience is not made up of M&Ms (even if it were, M&Ms quite clearly lack genitalia, so I fail to see how they would put their desire into action). Your audience is humans, and humans don't want to have sex with M&Ms. Therefore, you do not need your main spokescharacter to be a "sexy" M&M; really, there's no such thing, in spite of how you pretend otherwise.
Now yes, I'm aware of the longstanding rumor (spread by complete idiots) that green M&Ms serve as some sort of aphrodisiac. And I'm also aware that M&Ms started to use the "sexy" female green M&M to play on that (only, what, two decades behind the curve of the urban legend). But if you're going to do that? You use sexy humans and regular green M&Ms. You do not use sexy M&Ms. This would still be terrible - because when I think of sex, I do not think of M&Ms - but at least it doesn't make me think that you think I want to fuck your candy.
The cannibalism subplot of this ad is underrated, by the way. This is the same company that ran a surprisingly sadistic ad ten years ago in which Diedrich Bader mockingly consumes Crispy M&M's entire family while Crispy watches helplessly; now, however, it's apparently okay for new M&M brands to be eaten, even by existing M&M brands. Unless that's really why the other M&Ms are staring at the end of the ad. "I can't believe she ate Jerry in cold blood! I mean, in cold chocolate! Just right down the hatch! Also, do we even have digestive tracts? Where do you think he went?"
There are about a million ways this is wrong. Let's enumerate just a few of them:
1. The attempted sexuality of the bare legs and high heels.
2. The purring, bedroom-voice voice-over.
3. The horrible "seductive poses."
4. The wink.
5. The fact that an M&M is eating other M&Ms.
Why, M&Ms? Why do you think it makes sense to sell your product with creepy, utterly repulsive "sexually appealing" candy? Your audience is not made up of M&Ms (even if it were, M&Ms quite clearly lack genitalia, so I fail to see how they would put their desire into action). Your audience is humans, and humans don't want to have sex with M&Ms. Therefore, you do not need your main spokescharacter to be a "sexy" M&M; really, there's no such thing, in spite of how you pretend otherwise.
Now yes, I'm aware of the longstanding rumor (spread by complete idiots) that green M&Ms serve as some sort of aphrodisiac. And I'm also aware that M&Ms started to use the "sexy" female green M&M to play on that (only, what, two decades behind the curve of the urban legend). But if you're going to do that? You use sexy humans and regular green M&Ms. You do not use sexy M&Ms. This would still be terrible - because when I think of sex, I do not think of M&Ms - but at least it doesn't make me think that you think I want to fuck your candy.
The cannibalism subplot of this ad is underrated, by the way. This is the same company that ran a surprisingly sadistic ad ten years ago in which Diedrich Bader mockingly consumes Crispy M&M's entire family while Crispy watches helplessly; now, however, it's apparently okay for new M&M brands to be eaten, even by existing M&M brands. Unless that's really why the other M&Ms are staring at the end of the ad. "I can't believe she ate Jerry in cold blood! I mean, in cold chocolate! Just right down the hatch! Also, do we even have digestive tracts? Where do you think he went?"
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Is that an exploding geyser in your pocket, or are you just happy to be staying at the Westin?
Advertising has some history with phallic imagery. Camel cigarettes, for instance, made a name for themselves with their penile corporate mascot Joe Camel (about whom Norm MacDonald once quipped, "subliminally he was a camel.") But that was back in the day when it was okay to sell smokes to kids, and advertising has since cleaned up its act. Right? Well, not if Westin Hotels has anything to say about it -- check out their latest print ad (this is from The New Yorker):
Pressure
Releasing tension has never been easier with our signature Heavenly® experience.
Uh huh. You show a skyrocketing, frothy white geyser, and we're supposed to think that's "releasing tension"? Please. I mean, was the subliminal ejaculation here intentional, or did it truly not occur to anyone that "Hey, maybe a soaring explosion of white liquid might make people think we're selling rooms for sexual rendez-vous..."
And do these guys really own a trademark on the word "Heavenly"? Those beds better be comfortable beyond all reasonable belief.
Start letting go at Westin.com
Westin seems to go back and forth over whether they want people to think "ejaculation" or "urination" here.
This is how it should feel. Westin Hotels & Resorts.
"This is how it should feel, boys. Staying in one of our rooms is like one voluminous, unending orgasm. Just shooting it non-stop, all-night -- an unfettered, fantastic disgorgement. Come blow your load here at the Westin -- go ahead, anywhere you want. This is how it should feel."
This isn't as bad as Joe Camel shilling tobacco to children, but it sure seems grosser.
Pressure
Releasing tension has never been easier with our signature Heavenly® experience.
Uh huh. You show a skyrocketing, frothy white geyser, and we're supposed to think that's "releasing tension"? Please. I mean, was the subliminal ejaculation here intentional, or did it truly not occur to anyone that "Hey, maybe a soaring explosion of white liquid might make people think we're selling rooms for sexual rendez-vous..."
And do these guys really own a trademark on the word "Heavenly"? Those beds better be comfortable beyond all reasonable belief.
Start letting go at Westin.com
Westin seems to go back and forth over whether they want people to think "ejaculation" or "urination" here.
This is how it should feel. Westin Hotels & Resorts.
"This is how it should feel, boys. Staying in one of our rooms is like one voluminous, unending orgasm. Just shooting it non-stop, all-night -- an unfettered, fantastic disgorgement. Come blow your load here at the Westin -- go ahead, anywhere you want. This is how it should feel."
This isn't as bad as Joe Camel shilling tobacco to children, but it sure seems grosser.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Food sex! Food sex! Food sex, everybody!
Hey fellas! Ever smell bacon and instantly get an erection? No? Surely you must be mistaken, because Taco Bell says that's what our natural, bodily response should be:
Girl 1: This place is great.
Girl 2: So many cute guys here.
Girl 1: Mmhmm. Do you smell.... bacon?
Girl 2: Oh, yeah, it's a Bacon Club Chalupa (reveals one hidden in her handbag). Guys love bacon.
What are the odds that her purse wouldn't be just smothered in Chalupa residue? And for the Chalupa, is that really an appetizing presentation of food -- crammed in a small, shiny purse?
Girl 1: Like that's really gonna work, come on.
Guys will absolutely be approaching you in the bar tonight, ladies. Not because of the bacon on that Chalupa you squeezed into your purse but, rather, because you're totally hot. You do not need bacon to attract men. A fried taco in your purse could only hurt your chances of landing a random dude.
Guys: Hi... Hey... How's it goin'? What is that you're wearing it's.... it's intoxicating.
"Oh, it's not actually something I'm wearing - it's this greasy fast food taco that I keep in my handbag to get men to talk to me!"
I guess her strategy worked all along! Just think of how little ass they'd be getting if they didn't have that trusty bacon aroma. They'd just be two modelesque, single girls sitting at a bar all dolled up waiting for sex -- what guy is interested in that, am I right?
Voiceover: Taco Bell's Bacon Club Chalupa is back. Bacon lovers rejoice! (tiny bacon crumbles drop onto top of loaded Chalupa)
Wow! Look at all that bacon! That looks like at least 10 or 15 tiny orts of bacon I'll be getting on my Chalupa. Oh, no, don't worry, that's plenty of bacon. I'm sure I'll be able to taste it through the chicken, lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, sauce and fried Gordita shell. Bacon lovers truly should rejoice!
I think the bottom line here is: if you want to use sex appeal to sell food, don't incorporate the food into any kind of sexual activity. They're really two separate urges, food and sex, so just show a hot girl eating a taco and be done with it. It's an old joke, anyway, the notion of a "bacon perfume," and it just doesn't work to sell me on Mexican fast food.
Girl 1: This place is great.
Girl 2: So many cute guys here.
Girl 1: Mmhmm. Do you smell.... bacon?
Girl 2: Oh, yeah, it's a Bacon Club Chalupa (reveals one hidden in her handbag). Guys love bacon.
What are the odds that her purse wouldn't be just smothered in Chalupa residue? And for the Chalupa, is that really an appetizing presentation of food -- crammed in a small, shiny purse?
Girl 1: Like that's really gonna work, come on.
Guys will absolutely be approaching you in the bar tonight, ladies. Not because of the bacon on that Chalupa you squeezed into your purse but, rather, because you're totally hot. You do not need bacon to attract men. A fried taco in your purse could only hurt your chances of landing a random dude.
Guys: Hi... Hey... How's it goin'? What is that you're wearing it's.... it's intoxicating.
"Oh, it's not actually something I'm wearing - it's this greasy fast food taco that I keep in my handbag to get men to talk to me!"
I guess her strategy worked all along! Just think of how little ass they'd be getting if they didn't have that trusty bacon aroma. They'd just be two modelesque, single girls sitting at a bar all dolled up waiting for sex -- what guy is interested in that, am I right?
Voiceover: Taco Bell's Bacon Club Chalupa is back. Bacon lovers rejoice! (tiny bacon crumbles drop onto top of loaded Chalupa)
Wow! Look at all that bacon! That looks like at least 10 or 15 tiny orts of bacon I'll be getting on my Chalupa. Oh, no, don't worry, that's plenty of bacon. I'm sure I'll be able to taste it through the chicken, lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, sauce and fried Gordita shell. Bacon lovers truly should rejoice!
I think the bottom line here is: if you want to use sex appeal to sell food, don't incorporate the food into any kind of sexual activity. They're really two separate urges, food and sex, so just show a hot girl eating a taco and be done with it. It's an old joke, anyway, the notion of a "bacon perfume," and it just doesn't work to sell me on Mexican fast food.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Kia van Winkle
Did everyone at Kia's ad agency just come out of a 20-year coma?
I realize that Flashdance is still reasonably well-known, but it came out in 1983. That's nearly 25 years ago. Way to be relevant there, Kia. Also, is it me or is this really just kind of creepy? Would you buy a car from a frantically dancing salesperson who was pouring sweat? The whole "selling like he's never sold before" lyric is a little strange as well. Here's the thing, Kia: if I'm interested in buying a car from you, I don't really care how well your sales guy is doing at meeting his monthly quota. I'm interested in, you know, the car. Maybe you could have told me something about them besides their names? That might have been useful. Instead of the exotic dance moves from a quarter-century ago and the mailed-in song parody.
Maybe the problem is just that Kia has no idea what year it is. Check out this ad for Kia Fest '06:
Kia. Seriously. It is not 1984. I don't want to see Kia Fest '08 videos featuring breakdancing or some salesperson re-enacting the warehouse scene from Footloose, okay? It's the 21st century. Get with the program.
I realize that Flashdance is still reasonably well-known, but it came out in 1983. That's nearly 25 years ago. Way to be relevant there, Kia. Also, is it me or is this really just kind of creepy? Would you buy a car from a frantically dancing salesperson who was pouring sweat? The whole "selling like he's never sold before" lyric is a little strange as well. Here's the thing, Kia: if I'm interested in buying a car from you, I don't really care how well your sales guy is doing at meeting his monthly quota. I'm interested in, you know, the car. Maybe you could have told me something about them besides their names? That might have been useful. Instead of the exotic dance moves from a quarter-century ago and the mailed-in song parody.
Maybe the problem is just that Kia has no idea what year it is. Check out this ad for Kia Fest '06:
Kia. Seriously. It is not 1984. I don't want to see Kia Fest '08 videos featuring breakdancing or some salesperson re-enacting the warehouse scene from Footloose, okay? It's the 21st century. Get with the program.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Chewable aphrodisiac
Some "historical hate" here in the form of a several year-old Dentyne gum ad:
Let me list off what's deeply concerning about this commercial:
1. The idea that cinnamon gum (something you put in your mouth) makes you want to have spontaneous sex
2. Having spontaneous sex (no matter how gum-inspired) in front of your parents
3. Acting nonchalant when your daughter is ripping off her boyfriend's clothes in your living room
4. Getting turned on by the sight of your daughter furiously making out with her boyfriend
5. Having spontaneous sex (no matter how gum-inspired) in front of your kids
6. Patently orgasmic "Oh, Kevin!!" scream at end of commercial
I think if you take those 6 things away, you've got yourself a pretty good commercial. Or at least you have a commercial that isn't fundamentally disturbing.
I did a little digging around on the internets, and I found a proprietary document from the former Dentyne Brand Manager. I probably shouldn't be posting this, and I can't reveal how exactly I found it, but I think this helps explain the commercial for those of us who were left a little confused. Here's the info, from a Word file titled "HowToMakeGoodAdsLikeDentyne's.doc":
9 Steps to Great, Hysterical Commercials
Step 1: Fire ad agency
Step 2: Assemble focus group of 13 year-old boys (suggestion: use beer as payment)
Step 3: Ask boys what they think is funny and/or cool
Step 4: Select very first idea as your "ad concept"
Step 5: Take idea home, drink fifth of whiskey, write commercial script, pass out
Step 6: Wake up on bathroom floor, fish script out of trash
Step 7: Without editing script, drive to shoot, make ad
Step 8: Wait for ad to be uploaded on YouTube, laugh at "hilarious" comments posted by other 13 year-olds who don't necessarily buy your product
Step 9: Once sales have plummeted, find new job, repeat steps 1-8
Illuminating, no? Really helps put my mind at ease. Makes you wonder if the guy(s) who made this Dentyne commercial didn't have a hand in some other ads featured on this site...
Let me list off what's deeply concerning about this commercial:
1. The idea that cinnamon gum (something you put in your mouth) makes you want to have spontaneous sex
2. Having spontaneous sex (no matter how gum-inspired) in front of your parents
3. Acting nonchalant when your daughter is ripping off her boyfriend's clothes in your living room
4. Getting turned on by the sight of your daughter furiously making out with her boyfriend
5. Having spontaneous sex (no matter how gum-inspired) in front of your kids
6. Patently orgasmic "Oh, Kevin!!" scream at end of commercial
I think if you take those 6 things away, you've got yourself a pretty good commercial. Or at least you have a commercial that isn't fundamentally disturbing.
I did a little digging around on the internets, and I found a proprietary document from the former Dentyne Brand Manager. I probably shouldn't be posting this, and I can't reveal how exactly I found it, but I think this helps explain the commercial for those of us who were left a little confused. Here's the info, from a Word file titled "HowToMakeGoodAdsLikeDentyne's.doc":
9 Steps to Great, Hysterical Commercials
Step 1: Fire ad agency
Step 2: Assemble focus group of 13 year-old boys (suggestion: use beer as payment)
Step 3: Ask boys what they think is funny and/or cool
Step 4: Select very first idea as your "ad concept"
Step 5: Take idea home, drink fifth of whiskey, write commercial script, pass out
Step 6: Wake up on bathroom floor, fish script out of trash
Step 7: Without editing script, drive to shoot, make ad
Step 8: Wait for ad to be uploaded on YouTube, laugh at "hilarious" comments posted by other 13 year-olds who don't necessarily buy your product
Step 9: Once sales have plummeted, find new job, repeat steps 1-8
Illuminating, no? Really helps put my mind at ease. Makes you wonder if the guy(s) who made this Dentyne commercial didn't have a hand in some other ads featured on this site...
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