Never-ending Mazda troll

This ad is a little old, but Mazda is still running ads in the same style, so we may as well revisit it.



Realistically, I don't know what I should have expected from the people who brought us this complete mess, but man, this is some seriously self-absorbed shit right here, isn't it?

Announcer: "They called his inventions novelties, even risky. But when Thomas Edison threw the switch, it changed everything."

I'd like to know who "they" are supposed to be, but whatever. Mazda - an utterly unremarkable car company in most respects - is comparing itself to someone broadly considered to be the greatest inventor of the modern age. And they're not being ironic. All these ads talk about someone changing their field, or even the world, with a remarkable new invention. And that's like Mazda, apparently.

Announcer: "Courage. Creativity. Conviction."

Courage. Courage! Just let that sink in for a second. Mazda is sucking its own dick about how brave it is as a car company. The courage to create... a CUV! The exact same fucking model that every car company has been putting out over the last five years. Give these guys the fucking Medal of Honor, because they are just so courageous.

Announcer: "SkyActiv technology makes the Mazda CX-5 lighter yet stronger, earning a top safety pick."

Well, that's very... creative? What the fuck is SkyActiv technology? There's a brief graphic on the screen which, if you freeze it, appears to be talking about the engine - "13.0:1 compression ratio," "advanced direct injection" - which may be great, but does that actually have anything to do with safety? You'd think this is the spot where you should be talking about crumple zones or what have you.

Announcer: "And more fuel-efficient than any hybrid SUV, without compromising performance."

Think about the sheer balls-out conviction it must have taken to decide that people might like their cars to be more fuel-efficient.

Announcer: "This is the Mazda way."

At this point I just picture Mazda like Mark Wahlberg in the last scene of Boogie Nights. That's right, Mazda. You're a star. You're a bright shining star.



That's a more recent spot, and guess what? Same shit. For a company that spends so much time touting its own boldness, Mazda has no problem whatsoever trotting out the exact same spot a year later, only with the inventor of the digital camera subbed in. What's particularly ridiculous here is that (a) it's clearly not the case that the camera was "virtually unchanged" between 1900 and the invention of the digital camera and (b) once again Mazda is comparing "making a slightly more fuel-efficient crossover SUV" to a massive technological leap. Uh, it's not. The CX-5 does get pretty good reviews, but there are a lot of compact SUVs and crossovers out there and at least a couple others also do well with the critics. Don't act like nobody else makes anything remotely like your product when literally everyone does. Is it the best model in its class? I mean, it might be, right? But if so, tell me why! And I mean, tell me why legitimately, without making flowery comparisons to invention pioneers or dropping impenetrable jargon like "SkyActiv technology," which almost no one watching this ad knows anything about. (It sounds cool, though, right? Better get a Mazda to get you some of that sweet, sweet SkyActiv technology, whatever it is!)

Do us all a favor, Mazda - stop acting like you fucking invented cars. If you want to sell me a car, tell me a few things about your car. Don't jerk yourselves off on television and call that an ad. I'm not saying this ad doesn't say anything about the car - we at least hear about the fuel efficiency and something vague about a safety award - but I get so turned off by the bullshit comparisons that I've tuned out before you even start talking about the CX-5 itself. Can't you guys just make a normal ad for once?

One small step for Mazda, one giant leap for... well, Mazda

Seriously, Mazda, get a grip. So you won an award -- congratulations. Now have you ever heard the expression "act like you've been there before"?

Apparently not...



(Motor Trend trophy used as tuning fork)

Man: Come shine here with me

"Shine"? What does that mean in this context?

Chorus: Gotta make, gotta make it mine today

Woman: I'm finally free

You do realize this is a car you're singing about, and not the Bill of Rights?

Chorus: Gonna make, gonna make them stop and say... zoom, zoom, zoom! Yeah, zoom zoom zoom!

Shine on, man. You're free. Zoom zoom! This is nonsensical blather. How many seconds did this take somebody to write? And look at this scene: you have a gospel choir praising and clapping their hands around an SUV - is it some kind of weird cult? Are they about to sacrifice the car? It's eerily fake-looking and hopelessly overwrought.

Announcer: Designed, engineered and now celebrated... the "zoom zoom" way.

Yeah, the "zoom zoom" way. I'm guessing that means there's going to be a party at this guy's house?


I know Mazda's been doing this "zoom zoom" campaign for a while now. I think it makes more sense with the upbeat song and the little kid who says "zoom zoom." Call me crazy, but an 8-year old boy saying "zoom zoom" is more appropriate that a choir of adults doing the same. Recently, Mazda has taken this "zoom zoom" idea and let their imaginations run amok. Take, for example, this fetid, masturbatory "brand essence" video they put together:

(and please, for your sake, don't watch more than 30 seconds of this)



one day you're born.... the next big milestone.....

Crawling? Walking? First word?

you discover go zoom zoom

Get.... over.... yourselves. For fuck's sake, Mazda, the world does not revolve around your mid-level automobiles! This solipsism is inexcusable, even for a brand essence video that probably was never meant to be seen by the consumer.

Also the grammar in that above sentence is indescribably loathsome. Mazda, I think I hate you.

you grow up... acquire responsibilities.... (adults don't go zoom zoom).... but a lucky few never lost the spark.... you, perhaps?... guess what.... there's a car company... they love zoom zoom too

Yes, they do. They love zoom zoom a whole helluva lot. They love it like "pour millions and millions into using this moronic phrase in every piece of collateral we shit out for the next ten years" a lot.

The video continues in this fashion: cheesy, childish phrase, cornball lifestyle stock footage; another embarrassing line of copy, another painful slo-mo shot. I think it's funny that companies bother to define their advertising approach with these "setting-the-tone" presentations. It makes you realize that a large group of people actually put thought behind this. People with decades of experience, people with MBAs, people with art school training -- they all got together in a room and asked the question, "What does 'zoom zoom' really mean?" Then they talked about it as though it were a worthwhile discussion -- as though it would lead to some new way of selling more cars. As though the notion of a close-reading of "go zoom zoom" weren't just utterly absurd.

Mazda -- please go back to making boring, templated car commercials that talk about 0% APR and all-wheel-drive, or whatever. I know I said those kind of ads suck, but, dude, now that I've seen the alternative? Please just stop.