I like ample cargo space and I cannot lie

Should I have expected better from Mini?



Host: "This is 'Cram It in the Boot!' Where we take the four-door, all-wheel-drive Mini Countryman and... cram it in the boot!"
[Model makes suggestive pushing gesture]

Really? Really.

Host: "Josh! Have you ever crammed it in the boot before?"
Josh: "Um."

This, of course, is the point at which it becomes literally impossible to think that this commercial isn't referring to anal sex. At first you're like, well, maybe this is just supposed to be a funny-sounding title. No. Look at Josh's face as he considers the question. This ad is about butt-fucking. (It's even more blatant in the 60-second version which didn't air during the Super Bowl when the host says to Josh, "Your fiancée Ashley says you can really cram a boot!" and Josh just stammers and looks uncomfortable.)

Host: "Cram it!!!"
Audience: "Cram it! Cram it!"
Host: "Golf clubs, cram it in the boot! Cram that robot in! Yeeeees! Cram it in there!"
[Josh crams a giant sub sandwich into the trunk, featuring an extremely suggestive angle on the "Cram Cam"]



Ha ha! Yeah, Josh! Go! Um... fuck that car with your party sub strap-on! Wait, what? Why the fuck is this happening?

Host: "Whoa!!!"

"He sure fucked that car in the ass! Daaaaamn!"

Announcer: "The bigger all-new Mini Countryman, with plenty of room to cram!"

I'm sorry, I just do not understand this angle at all. Why are they alluding to anal sex? Are they discreetly (a word I use very loosely in this case) trying to suggest that the larger Mini allows you to have sex in your car the way you couldn't in the original Mini without it being extremely uncomfortable (you know, like the back of a Volkswagen)? Are they really only trying to talk about trunk space but for some reason thought that making the car look like the recipient of anal sex would be a hilariously naughty joke to "slip out" to 100 million people?

Call me a square, but I'm of the opinion that if you're going to make your commercial "secretly" filthy, it had better be really hilarious. And this just isn't. It's one joke - "talking about packing the trunk of a car with stuff kind of sounds like you're talking about anal!" - that is at best mildly amusing to begin with, repeated ad nauseam for 30 seconds. (Or 60 seconds in the case of the extended version which, I assure you, has nothing new to contribute to the scenario.) I get trying to be edgy for the sake of being memorable, but I just don't think it worked. There's edgy funny, and then there's edgy repulsive, and this lands far too firmly on the side of the latter.

You gotta have balls

Balls, everyone. BALLS! Hey, is this the funniest post you've ever read yet? It's not? BALLS. I don't think you understand. Balls.



Voiceover: "Mankind has asked many questions, but few as profound as this."

Why do bad things happen to good people? If God is righteous and all-powerful, why is there evil in the world? How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Which is cheaper, using Axe products every day or just getting a tattoo of the word "douchebag" on your forehead once?

Woman: "How can guys clean their balls so that they're more enjoyable to play with?"

Ha-HA! Balls! It means one thing but also another!

Jaime Pressly: "Well, there's finally a tool that can really get the job done: the Axe Detailer."

Or, like, a washcloth? I cannot say I've ever had an experience with ball-grime (sorry) that was so caked on (sorry again) that I would have needed some sort of ball-safe Brillo pad while showering. Also, if I had to guess, most women probably aren't that excited to play with a guy's balls no matter how sparkling clean they are.

Pressly: "This can make any ball sparkly and new."

The fine print here says "Take care when using on sensitive areas." So, it might be a little rough for sensitive areas? Well, it's a good thing you designed it exclusively to be used on the single most sensitive area of the male anatomy.

Pressly: "Go ahead and play with those clean balls, Denese."

Balls balls balls balls balls balls balls.

Woman: "Magical."
Voiceover: "Abracadabra."

This is retarded.

In the online version - which is 2:45 long - Denese juggles the golf balls in her hand for, I shit you not, fifteen straight seconds. Unsurprisingly, there are also oodles more predictable and unfunny ball-themed jokes, some of which were presumably deemed a little "too hot for TV."

I don't know. I mean, is this really a problem? Is this a complaint that a lot of guys have, that it's difficult to clean one's scrotum? Because I can't say I've found it to be an issue - and as such I just look at an ad like this as a bunch of cheap jokes to make teenagers snicker, kind of like the Bud Light ad that they weren't allowed to run during the 2008 Super Bowl because it liked its fart jokes just a little too much. Surely even Axe is not required to play to the absolute lowest common denominator. I'd take the sheer inanity of "Double Pits to Chesty" any day over this mess.