Shape up and ship out

Well, at least her boobs aren't talking.



What was up with this Super Bowl and making us think we just watched someone have sex?

Kim Kardashian: "I don't really know how to say this, other than to just say it."

If there's one sentence that would describe Kim Kardashian's acting chops, it is definitely "I don't really know how to say this, other than to just say it."

Kim Kardashian: "You're amazing. The best I've ever had. But things just aren't working out. Well that's not completely true. I am working out. It's not someone else. It's SOMEthing else."

Jesus, the voice in the Chevy Cruze demonstrated more range. I love how she accentuates the wrong syllable of "something." Come on, Kim - you may be a horrible actress but I know you at least speak English on a regular basis.

Kim Kardashian: "Bye-bye, trainer. Hello, Shape-Ups."

Until we see the shoes - at the 23-second mark of a 30-second commercial - there's very little (aside from the gym equipment in the background) to suggest that this isn't a commercial about Kim Kardashian dumping a guy post-coitally. Whatever that would be an ad for. And frankly, even after we see the shoes, there's really no suggestion of why the first three-quarters of the ad had to play out that way. Is it because Kim Kardashian is only famous for things pertaining to sex? If so, why is she your spokeswoman? (Also, is it me or is it a little weird to have Kim Kardashian as a spokeswoman for exercise shoes when her most notable feature is an enormous ass, something that assumedly most women buying this product are hoping to avoid?)

I'm also not sure who this ad is aiming at. Many of the Shape-Ups ads that have run in the past, a number of them featuring retired male athletes like Joe Montana, have seemingly been aimed at men, something that sets Skechers apart from most of the other shoe brands in this category (such as the above-linked Reebok Easy Tone). And by displaying Kim Kardashian in a tight exercise outfit, panning suggestively over her body, and having her compliment a guy at the end, this would seem to be no exception. But: Kim's shoes are pink. This is right up there with having her get into a bathtub naked to sell a cranberry walnut salad. Does Skechers really want to sell to men and women? And if so, shouldn't this ad have been just a trifle more sedate in its obsession with Kim Kardashian's various curves? Then again, she's not a good actress and isn't famous for anything connected to athletics (dating athletes doesn't count), so maybe not. I guess I just question why they went with her at all.

Look who's gawking

It's vital that we teach important messages to the youth of today. So if you have a daughter who's entering her teens, you should definitely show her this ad and have a long, serious talk about breast self-esteem.



Right Breast: "Hey, did you see? Nobody's staring at us anymore."
Left Breast: "Aren't we still hot?"
Right Breast: "Kuh-learly!"

Remember, guys: women's breasts want to be stared at. You might even say they were asking for it. In fact, here's how to handle it when, say, you're at work.

Manager: "Do you think you could have this done by the end of the day? The client will be expecting it."
You [staring directly at her chest]: "Uh huh. Oh yeah. Not a problem."
Manager: "Um, I'm up here."
You: "Yeah, but your boobs are down here."
[uncomfortable silence]
You: "You're welcome..."

Right Breast: "You know what? It's all because of that stupid butt down there."
Left Breast: "Yeah! Stupid butt, gets all the attention now."

Yeah! When we used to walk past construction sites, it was all "Nice tits, honey! Woo woo!" And now it's "Nice ass, babe! Yeah, shake it!" I want to be objectified on my terms, goddammit!

Right Breast: "She's so tight now, so round, so pretty..."
Left Breast: "And so... stupid!"
Announcer: "Make your boobs jealous."

Really think they should have gone for the female announcer here. Might have made things a little less creepy. I mean, there are other commercials in this series that are a bit more reasonable (mostly because they don't feature talking breasts). Although compare this ad - while it doesn't have talking breasts, it still dwells on the idea that the only real reason to improve your physique is to get all the boys staring at your ass.

You might also notice what neither of these ads features - the woman's face. Or anything that would give her a personality and make her something besides a pair of breasts and a writhing, topless figure on a bed. I guess the original ad concept was too on the nose.

Right Breast: "Hey, did you notice no one is staring at us?"
Left Breast: "Aren't we still hot?"
Brain: "Uh, being objectified constantly really makes me uncomfortable, so-"
Right Breast: "Shut up, brain! Did anyone ask you?"
Left Breast: "Stupid brain thinks she's so smart."
Right Breast: "Yeah, stupid brain! Thinks just because she got into Harvard she's better than us!"
Brain: "I just think it's important to be more than some piece of mea-"
Left Breast: "I think the quarterback just walked by! Quick, flaunt us!"
Butt: "Hey, I just wanted to point out that it's been 20 seconds since someone last showed appreciation for my tightness by slapping me."
Brain: "Um, yeah, that's because that's terrib-"
Butt: "Uh, hello? Why did we even wear Reebok EasyTone if I'm not going to be constantly ogled and pinched?"
Right Breast: "Hey, is that a camera? Pull our shirt up!"

So, congratulations, Reebok EasyTone. Thanks to you, women can - hopefully! - increase the number of creepy leers and unwanted advances they get, more easily than ever. What an age we live in.