Happy thoughts, happy thoughts

Retailers always get a little weird around the holidays. But this seems a bit extreme.



This ad has bothered me since I first saw it, because... what is going on here?

Voiceover: "To us, the little things mean a lot. Add up all our standard features, and SafetyTech..."

As he's talking, we zoom around the car, which is driving through the snow. A helpful snowflake guides us through many of the features. Then the car pulls back up at the dealership and things get weird.

Salesman: "How was it?"
[A branch shakes for no apparent reason and dumps snow on the salesman's head.]
Girl: "We'll take it!"
Salesman: "Awesome."

Is this scene just bizarre to anyone else? Why is this kid making the family's car buying decisions? Why did that branch suddenly dump snow on the salesman, to the kid's amusement? Then it occurred to me - remember the old "It's a Good Life" episode of the Twilight Zone? This girl is the 2011 equivalent of Billy Mumy in that show. Her parents, desperate to please her, have opted to purchase an expensive new car in the hopes that she will enjoy riding in it. The salesman, standing in the cold waiting for them to return, knows that he has to keep smiling at all costs, even as she uses her telekinetic powers to drop a branch-load of snow onto his head, lest he displease her and suffer the consequences. "It's good that she made that snow fall on me," he thinks to himself, the grim specter of his doubts about this arrangement lurking in the recesses of his mind. "It's very, very good." He grits his teeth in a pained smile and tries to think nothing but happy thoughts. He knows that he's likely going to get a lowball offer for the car, but that's a good thing - nothing would make him happier! Shivering half from cold and half from fear, he stares from behind his plastered-on smile at the horrible monster who holds the whole town captive to their own thoughts and tries not to think of smashing her face into the back of the driver's headrest.

And the award for least comprehensible plot in an ad this year goes to

I guess the footage in this ad was just so golden that they had to keep it, even when they decided to change the entire plot.



Kid: "Hey Parker, wanna race home? Bet I can beat you there."

Unless you are blind, it is staggeringly obvious from the visual cues - the way the kid gestures with his hand, the way Parker takes off running, Parker's hiding behind a tree (clearly an advantage in a footrace), etc. - that this commercial has nothing to do with "racing home." Parker is going to get the shit kicked out of him if he doesn't make it to his house ahead of these kids. I'm guessing that focus groups did not like the plot of this ad, and thus it was changed, but the random kid playing Parker had already been paid ten million dollars and so Chrysler felt like they had to overdub it rather than simply spend six hours shooting a new version of the ad in which the kids were actually racing. Or maybe they just figured it wouldn't make sense regardless and opted to cut their losses.

Voiceover: "With its 43 safety features, like the Parkview rear back-up camera..."
Mother: "Hi, sweetie! There you are!"

What? So... she was looking for him, because they needed to drive somewhere I guess, but he only just arrived home from school and jumped into the open trunk of the car, and meanwhile she was in the front seat with her seat belt already on. Could the plot of this ad possibly be any more incomprehensible?

Voiceover: "Electronic vehicle information center, and rear cross path detection system, now available in the Safety Tech package, the Chrysler Town and Country is a safe bet to make."

Meanwhile, the bullies sit on the lawn... of Parker's house. Are they just going to wait for him to come back and kick his ass then? And really, what did the car have to do with any of this? "Oh man, if the Chrysler Town and Country didn't have an electronic vehicle information center, Parker's ass would be grass right about now!"

Honestly, is it that hard to tell a coherent (or in any way relevant) story in 30 seconds? It's 30 seconds! How can it be that difficult to hold your plot together? I mean, let's face it - even if the commercial had never been changed and was always about bullying, it still makes no sense after about the ten-second mark, because why is the mom already in the car and where are they going? Why wouldn't she just pick him up from school, rather than him having to run a significant distance home only to get immediately into the car and drive away? Is that even his house? If it's not, how did he know she would be there? What the fuck does any of this have to do with safety features, other than that an announcer is listing a few as we watch this nonsense unfold?

The one piece of evidence that the ad actually involves a "race" is Parker sticking out his tongue and then grinning at the bullies as his mom drives away. I can see doing that if you just won a good-natured race. I can't really see doing that knowing that you have to go back to school the next day, with the exact same bullies, and eventually you probably won't be able to outrun them given your enormous backpack and their lack of same. But hey, none of the rest of the ad's plot makes sense. Why should I expect it to start doing so in the last ten seconds?