The vegetarian's nightmare: sentient produce

Jewel-Osco is the branch of Albertson's that exists here in the Chicagoland area. YouTube suggests that this ad runs in all their markets with the different store names subbed in, but this is the one I've seen so this is the one I'm posting. I'm also posting it because GODDAMN is it creepy.


(NOTE: This is now a version of the ad that was used in Albertson's markets, since the original vanished from YouTube. I haven't otherwise edited the post text.)

Here is what the description says on YouTube (emphasis mine): "By popular request, here is our newest TV commercial featuring our lovable Fruits & Vegetables! Enjoy!"

Okay: I cannot believe that people actually called, or e-mailed, or whatever the fucked Jewel-Osco and demanded that this commercial go up on YouTube. I mean: this commercial? I'm not sure I can think of ten more boring ads in existence. It's not like it's funny, or raunchy, or even particularly interesting - the reason ads usually get posted online. If you read the comments on YouTube, people seem to be talking mostly about how much they like the song - which is appropriate, since it's a cover of "Fresh" by Kool and the Gang, a song that was a top ten hit... in 1985. Of course, it's pretty obvious that most of the people commenting on this ad weren't born yet in 1985, so that probably explains a lot.

Lovable fruits and vegetables, though? That is weird. That is creepy. Some (though certainly not all) vegetarians don't eat meat in part because they can't bear the thought of a living animal being slaughtered for their consumption. What kind of heartless bastard tries to freak them out by making their vegetables (and fruit) into a singing, dancing nightmare straight out of the uncanny valley?

Honestly, look at these things. They're fucking terrifying.

By the way, sloppy bagging job, whoever.

I'm not sure what exactly it is that creeps me out so much, although it might be the lack of noses on the faces of the fruits and vegetables. Or maybe it's just THE FACES ON THE FRUITS AND VEGETABLES. Good Lord. This is a crime against nature.

But is that the weirdest part of the ad? Not quite. It's more the way the fruits and vegetables are gleefully singing about THEIR IMMINENT DEMISE. There are other commercials out there like that (see this post and my comment below it), and sure, it's weirder when it's animals practically begging you to eat them. But this isn't much better. I mean, think about the contrast of some of the shots in this commercial for a second.

"Ba ba ba, we're the singing tomatoes... we're hanging in the store just singing our song..."



"OH DEAR GOD WE'VE BEEN CHOPPED IN HALF AND OUR INSIDES ARE VISIBLE! THIS IS LIKE THE WORST KIND OF MEDIEVAL TORTURE!"



"Peppers / just a bunch of singing peppers / what in this life could be better / than to be a singing pepper..."



"OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY THEY CUT OFF THE TOP OF OUR HEADS AND STUFFED US WITH RICE!!! WHAT KIND OF CRUEL GOD ALLOWS THIS TO HAPPEN???"