My arteries are clogged with yellow gold!

During this year's Olympics, the ads were actually surprisingly palatable... for the most part. Then there was this one.



Many people have noted the silliness of having the world's best-conditioned athletes shilling for products like McDonald's and Coca-Cola, but if you remember what Michael Phelps' daily diet looked like, it might not be the most ridiculous thing in the world. And I get the joke that we're supposed to think they're talking about a gold medal when they're actually talking about a chicken sandwich. But here's the part that really bugged me:

Weightlifter: "I've been dreaming about it..."
Boxer: "...since I was a kid."
Soccer player: "The perfect chicken sandwich."

They've been dreaming about it since they were kids? What? Were you dreaming about this exact combination of herbs and spices in the breading? Really?

Announcer: "Introducing McDonald's new Southern-Style Chicken Sandwich."
Boxer: "It's perfectly seasoned."
Gymnast: "It's juicy."
Fencer: "It's just how I like it!"

What? It's just how you like it? How the fuck is that possible? Did your mom used to make chicken sandwiches just like this? This makes no sense, at least until you consider that the Southern-Style Chicken Sandwich is basically an enormous ripoff of Chick-Fil-A's basic chicken sandwich. So maybe if you grew up in the South and went to Chick-Fil-A all the time, this sandwich actually would be "perfectly seasoned" and "just how you like it."

Announcer: "All-white meat chicken served warm with pickles on a steamed, buttery-tasting bun."

Served warm? Well, thank God. There's nothing I hate more than ice-cold chicken sandwiches. Also, the bun is "buttery-tasting"? So, I assume there isn't actually any butter on it?

Track athlete: "Why settle for silver..."
Gymnast: "...when you can get gold?"

I'm starting to wonder just how tongue-in-cheek the medal comparison is really meant to be. Also, what is "silver" in this case? Did Burger King introduce a Nevada Prospector Melt while I wasn't looking? Maybe we should be looking forward to Crispin Porter's next offering, in which the King, dressed as William Jennings Bryan, gives a speech about how McDonald's is not going to crucify mankind on a cross of Southern-style chicken.