So stupid people may think BK thinks you're stupid

Is there any point in going after Burger King commercials any more? It's pretty clear that the 2% of the television audience BK is speaking to seems to like what they do.  On the other hand, it's really painful for the rest of us to have to sit through it all. So in the spirit of attacking things that aren't targeted towards me, why don't we check out one more Burger King ad:


Guy #1: The Steakhouse from Burger King? What'd you do to deserve a burger this special?

Why does anyone need to do something to eat a BK burger, aside from, I suppose, pay for it? Isn't this kind of an absurd concept for a company with the slogan "Have It Your Way"? Isn't the whole BK spirit "We'll get you whatever you want"? I fail to see how "you need to be awesome to eat our burgers" fits in with the brand.

Scientist #1 (dramatically smug): I just discovered a moon orbiting Regulus 279 in the Crab Nebula. It may support life.

So you need to discover a moon to earn that burger. Got it.

Also, don't think for a second that the copywriters at Crispin Porter + Bogusky did even an iota of research before writing this ad. They have no fucking clue what they're talking about when it comes to astronomy (btw, that site's super nerdy, but I think one of the issues is that a moon wouldn't be ordering a star like Regulus, or it'd be called a planet. Also, I'm not so sure Regulus 279 even exists.)

Guy #1: And you? 

Scientist #2: I helped.

If such a "moon" could ever be found, I think it would be a big enough deal that the #2 guy finding it would be deserving of a fast food burger as well.

Guy #1: You helped. You either discover a star or you don't. You arrogant punk.

Were you even listening to the commercial you're filming, Guy #1? He said it was a fucking moon, not a star, you ass-tard. I mean, this commercial is just so pock-marked with stupidity, you have to wonder how something like this even sees the air? Can't you just see some asshole copywriter jotting the dialogue down on the margin of a crossword puzzle and then handing it over like "There you go! There's your new commercial!" And then when somebody dares to suggest a slight rewrite to, you know, make the spot make sense, the copywriter would get all pissy and refuse to alter a single word.

Announcer: The new Steakhouse.... so special, people may think you think you're special.

I've written before about how simplicity is paramount when you're trying to convey a message in under 30 seconds to a ADD audience watching loud, colorful TV shows, so I won't bother to repeat myself. Suffice it to say, when you have to decode a slogan to this degree, I think it may be time to consider an alternate option. I had a couple ideas:

"The new Steakhouse: So special people may not care how bad your commercials are."

"The new Steakhouse: So special you might get some really special heart disease from eating it."

"The new Steakhouse: Do you get the sense we're using 'special' as a euphemism for 'retarded'?"

"The new Steakhouse: Oh my God that looks disgusting... and what the hell are those, like little French fries you're putting on top? Wow that's nasty."