Look on my workout, ye mighty, and despair

Anyone who ever had to see this ad while innocently attempting to enjoy television, I'm sorry:




It would take a long time to point out everything that's infuriating about this commercial. I want to hit on some key points, though. Firstly, why is this guy my "bud"?

Workout Guy: Hey bud! I just got the new Fall Out Boy song on my VCast phone. It gets me pumped!

Dude, you are not my "bud." What if a girl is watching? Is she your bud? Also, look at this guy's shirt. This is a national ad, so why does he need to have streaky sweat stains all over himself? Sure, he's at a gym, but since when do commercials start showing reality?

Workout Guy: (puts headphones on camera so we can listen to song)

Oh, man, nasty! Those are so sweaty-ass headphones that have your ear wax all over them! Get those the hell away from me. And turn it the hell down!

The ad then plays "This ain't a scene, it's an arms race" by Fall Out Boy for less than 8 seconds. How is an 8 second clip from the middle of a random song going to sell me on anything? And is this an ad for the Fall Out Boy album, or for Verizon?

Informal poll: What's your favorite of this guy's white boy dance moves?

A. The Durst Arm Flap
B. The Finger Twirl (aka The Richard Simmons)
C. Emphatic Finger Point (world premiere of this move)
D. Baboon Bicep Strain

Workout Guy: (takes call, smirks) It's my lady.

Okay, hold it. Stop advertising, everybody. We all need to hold off for just a moment here and catch our breath. Listen up: first thing's first -- we need to find the copywriter who wrote this line. The punishment must be swift and merciless. Next, we need to learn our lesson. We need to take a stand. We need to tell the country that we won't let this kind of hacky, half-assed dialog on the airwaves ever again. Ever. You know it's awful. You know it makes people cringe. You know only 7-year old girls would giggle about it, and you know they aren't in the cell phone market. Just make sure this is the only time this ever happens. Now, you may resume making mediocre advertising.

The payoff joke is, apparently, the guy in the background dropping the weight because Workout Guy, who had been spotting him, leaves to take a call. This is unacceptably unfunny. When you create a massive choad like Workout Guy, you need to make fun of him more than this. You need to explain to people that you're displaying this kind of behavior as ironic, humorous, or whatever. You need to work much, much harder. You owe it to TV viewers, and you owe it to your marketing budget.

This commercial is a new low, Verizon. Go sit in the corner.

Side note: Workout Guy is played by Silas Gaither, of Survivor: Africa non-fame. He placed twelfth and is currently working as a bartender in LA, according to Survivor Wiki. In his spare time he enjoys spotting buds at the gym, looking sweaty, and making people reevaluate their perception of contemporary American media.