Tuesday, August 17, 2010

The new face of annoying

There seems to be a movement afoot to try and sell products to youngish parents by showing the most obnoxious, unrealistic examples of youngish parents possible in the ads. Sears, your entry?


Voiceover: "Say you're looking for..."
Wife: "The perfect fridge."
Husband: "Perfect for two-"
Wife: "Three."
Husband: "-of us."

Why, that delivery just snaps, crackles and pops! Did Aaron Sorkin write this? Is this conversation going to continue in a several-minute tracking shot that concludes in the Oval Office?

Sears Guy: "Got it."
Voiceover: "Well, only Sears has the top ten brands!"
Husband: "This Samsung makes cubed ice."
Wife: "Gotta have the cubed, not the crescent."
Husband: "Or the crushed. It's settled."
Both: "Cubed!"

Go away and die. Also, what is with this woman's eyes? Is she on speed, or is she just being distracted by the same off-camera shiny thing that's clearly being used to keep that baby unnaturally peppy?

Wife: "Check out this Whirlpool side-by-side."
Husband: "Side-by-side? But don't we want the-"
Both: "-bottom freezer."

Good thing these two got married, because I can't imagine anyone else being able to stand for this conversational style for more than about ten seconds.

Some Other Guy: "Look, I don't see why this is a big deal. I just wanted to-"
This Same Wife: "-watch the game with your friends? Not on antiquing day."
Some Other Guy: "Couldn't you just go with-"
This Same Wife: "-one of my girlfriends? They're all busy and besides, you promised."
Some Other Guy: "Stop cutting me off! I can't stand the way you insist on-"
This Same Wife: "-finishing every sentence for you? It's just the way I'm scripted, honey."

Sears Guy: "This new Kenmore Elite is exactly what you're looking for. Plus enough space for-"
Husband: "-five of us."
Wife: "Five? Thought we said-"
Husband: "Four?"
Wife: "Right."
Husband: "Yeah, but have you seen this fridge?"
[Wife gives a knowing sort of look]

I hate this. Hate it. Family planning based on the size of a refrigerator? Are you out of your fucking mind, Sears? Plus, I don't want anything that encourages these assholes to have two more kids who will clearly grow up to be completely insufferable. That poor cute baby is already doomed; no reason to throw two more on the fire. Hey! Assholes! If you don't really want more than two kids, and this fridge has so much space that you just have to have three, maybe just don't buy an enormous fridge! It might even cost you less to get one that's merely big enough for four people. (For the record, I know it's supposed to be a joke. It's not funny.)

On the bright side, we did learn from this ad that Sears employees will apparently try to up-sell you to a product larger than you want or need with the slightest provocation.

You: "Yes, I'm looking for a washing machine. It's just the two of us at the moment, although we're thinking maybe a kid or two down the road, so it'll have to be big enough to handle that."
Sears Employee: "I've got just the thing. This washer here holds three tons of clothes. It was originally built for use by the laundry staff on the QE2. It's on clearance at only $7.5 million!"
You: "That... seems a bit excessive."
Sears Employee: "Be sure to pair it with this dryer, which holds six tons of clothes - enough to dry two loads from the washer! See in the back there? The dryer is powered by a miniature sun which Samsung's engineers harnessed in another solar system and dragged back to Earth."
You: "Yeah... it's really just going to be four of us, max, so..."
Sears Employee: "Should we check out a dishwasher too? This one over here can do all the dishes from the dining halls at Ohio State in a single load!"